The Reality of Living Through A Flare

Sheryl from A Chronic Voice, as well as sharing her own stories and lessons with chronic illness. Sheryl is an excellent support to other bloggers and writers living with illness and chronic pain. One such way is through monthly link-up parties whereby bloggers and writers share their stories through given prompts.  This March, as I am living through a debilitating and challenging flare, I am going to write about the reality of living through one.

Holidays! How we love and look forward to them! The ability to escape our everyday lives; the capability to evade the monotony and mundane aspects of our lives. A welcome break from our lives, especially those aspects that we don’t like or have trouble accepting.

When living with a chronic illness, oh how we wish we could escape our bodies; a wish that we could break away from the crippling and disabling symptoms that affect every facet of our lives. And never is this more true, when amid a cruel and torturous flare.

The capacity to run away and leave behind our weak, frail and pain-riddled bodies would be something that we would welcome in a heartbeat. But, this is merely a fantasy; something that could only happen in the imagination behind books or films.

During A Flare There Is Only Staying and Enduring

The reality is that we are trapped; imprisoned with no such ability to escape or run away.  Our bodies become prison cells shackling us inside its dark and murky walls, unable to move far, and although flares come and go, it still feels like a life sentence us, an innocent victim, as the realisation that these flares will reoccur time and time again. 

There is no break or respite when living with a cruel and relentless flare.  No, there is only staying; trapped inside the prison cell that is our body and only able to lie and endure the harrowing effects of our symptoms.  

"There is no respite when living with a cruel and relentless flare.  No, there is only staying; trapped inside the prison cell that is our body and only able to lie and endure the harrowing effects of our symptoms." Share on X

There is a lot of staying when living through a horrible and debilitating flare. Yes, much time becomes spent living inside a body that often no longer feels like our own, one that has been taking over by illness and its accompanying symptoms.  But during a flare, there is a lot of staying inside our homes, our sanctuaries, places that we deem safe even when illness and its symptoms invade them. 

Pain and illness have a habit of making our lives shrink as for days, weeks, and sometimes even months, we are unable to venture far from our homes if at all.  As such, do not have the opportunity to see other people apart from those we live with, leaving us feeling isolated. 

How we wish during a flare that the exacerbating symptoms would leave. Still, they prove to be stubborn, refusing to go, staying in our lives for the foreseeable future at least.

During A Flare, There Is No Doing

During a flare, there is no doing. No, there is only suffering and enduring severe and continuous symptoms. The pain, fatigue, and other persistent and tenacious symptoms leave us in bed, unable to function or participate in everyday life.  And as such, resting, waiting for the symptoms to subside and the flare to pass becomes the new norm.

"The pain, fatigue, and other persistent and tenacious symptoms leave us in bed, unable to function or participate in everyday life.  And as such waiting for the flare to pass becomes the new norm." Share on X

In my years of living with a chronic illness, the only doing during a flare is finding new ways to do things without exacerbating the already debilitating symptoms. We do what we can, but it can often feel like it is not enough. And as such, we no longer feel productive, or someone who is doing. We think, therefore, that we are a burden.

During a flare, it certainly feels that the days and weeks filled with nothing or at least the bare minimum.  No, during an exacerbation, our days are not filled with doing; the days and weeks become concerned with coping and surviving.  

"No, during an exacerbation, our days are not filled with doing; the days and weeks become concerned with coping and surviving." Share on X

Not Being, Just Existing

Even when living with the constant and persistent presence of chronic illness, we still manage to carve ourselves an identity outside of it.  We know who we are, and can define ourselves beyond that of someone living with a long-term health condition. 

But when living through an endless, paralysing flare, we no longer feel like ourselves. Our life, our whole being becomes revolved around the current, paralysing exacerbation and the symptoms that accompany it. Our being becoming limited by the severe, debilitating symptoms, and left unable to the things that everyone else often takes for granted. 

"When living through an endless, paralysing flare, we no longer feel like ourselves. Our life, our whole being becomes revolved around the current, paralysing exacerbation and the symptoms that accompany it." Share on X

…But Starting Towards Targeting Goals

But it can become tiresome, living our lives with such restricting limitations. And as such, we begin to push our limits somewhat to stave boredom and see more than the four walls of our prison; a prison constructed by chronic illness and particularly the repeated flares.

"But it can become tiresome, living our lives with such restricting limitations. And as such, we begin to push our limits somewhat to stave boredom and see more than the four walls of our prison." Share on X

In my experience, confidence can take a real battering when a severe and impairing flare. During these times, I am unsure and apprehensive when doing something or going somewhere, which before came readily and with no hesitation. But during a flare, or for some time after it, I become anxious as I am afraid that doing so will trigger another onslaught of unpleasant symptoms.

And so, I set myself small, little targets to achieve certain things. Particularly, visiting such places that I have found to trigger symptoms such as dizziness or those places where I’ve experienced falls. When I meet these targets, I reward myself, although the real reward is the increased confidence it gives me.

The Knowledge of Future Flares Weighing Heavily On My Mind

Experiencing and living through a flare, is incredibly unpleasant; it severely limits our lives and the choices available to us. So, it weighs heavily on my mind that this current flare will not be the last. The weight of the knowledge that this condition is my life now, and seeing future impending downturns is burdensome. Such insight can be frightening and discouraging; we want normality and freedom from the confines of pain and illness.

"Experiencing and living through a flare, is incredibly unpleasant; it severely limits our lives and the choices available to us. So, it weighs heavily on my mind that this current flare will not be the last." Share on X

It is further discouraging with the knowledge that such downturns are becoming more frequent and severe. Such awareness is bothersome and frightening. However, when weighing all the evidence from previous exacerbations in symptoms and functioning, I know that I will adjust. I know that eventually, I will endure and persevere against such adversities. I withstand it because I have to.  But I also know that I will survive because I have done before and able to again.

"I know that I will adjust. I know that eventually, I will endure and persevere against such adversities. I withstand it because I have to.  But I also know that I will survive because I have done before and able to again." Share on X