As the clock strikes midnight on the 1st January, it so heralds the beginning of a brand new year. A new year offers the chance for a blank slate, new beginnings and exciting prospects and opportunities. However, when living with a chronic illness, the start of a new year can give rise to pain and uncertainty.
New Year, New Beginnings – But Is it?
New year, new beginnings, new year resolutions, new year and new me. The end of one year and the beginning of another can evoke great excitement and anticipation as thoughts preoccupy on ‘what’s next’? It provides an opportunity for self-reflection and self-improvement, which is when people with the best intentions set goals and make resolutions.
But when living with chronic illness, there are no new beginnings. Illness and its symptoms ignore the calendar, paying no attention to the date and with no care if it’s a holiday or a day of celebration. Symptoms appear leaving plans in disarray or left unable to engage with festivities along with everyone else. Often, chronic illness symptoms ruin the well-made plans of birthdays, Christmases and even appear during long awaiting holidays.
However, after many years of living with FND and its cruel effects, and the more my life changes, I only feel apprehension and a sense of anxiety as a New Year approaches, and when looking to the future. I can no longer feel excitement for the forthcoming year. I cannot envision the potential new experiences and opportunities that so many can when looking to the future.
"After years of living with chronic illness, and the more my life changes because of it, I only feel apprehension as a New Year approaches, and when looking to the future. I can no longer feel excitement for the forthcoming year." Share on XInstead, as I sit and reflect on the year that has passed, I can only envisage the worsening of the symptoms that constantly plague me; how I am worse now than the previous year. And forced to acknowledge the new limitations that have befallen me, and the abilities and such that illness have stolen from me. And as I look to the future, fear and apprehension begin to unravel as I can only fret whether there will be a further progression in my symptoms. As well as worry about what this disorder will take from me next.
"As I sit and reflect on the year that has passed, I can only envisage the worsening of the symptoms that constantly plague me; how I am worse now than the previous year." Share on XNew Years Resolutions: Symbolising The Unpredictability of Chronic Illness
As a new year emerged once more, my social media feeds began to fill with the resolutions that friends and acquaintances promised themselves they would keep for the year. The vow to lose weight, stop smoking or find that dream job they wish for themselves. Making changes allowing for self-improvement and progress in life.
As I reflect on my life with chronic illness, however, I realise that it is not feasible to make such vows. I often promise myself that I will accomplish something, only to have the unpredictability of my illness thwarting my intentions. I often go to bed telling myself that tomorrow will be the day that I get up early to do that thing I’ve meant to do only for tomorrow to arrive and I’m unable to get out of bed because my legs refuse to function. Or I’ve found that I’ve slept through my alarm after a restless night battling debilitating pain and excruciating muscle spasms.
As I fail to accomplish my goals, I only begin to feel bad about myself, beating myself up for not doing so. It makes me feel like a failure. And so I do not make such resolutions as I do not need or want the additional, undue pressure.
As Every New Year Passes There Is No Change; Still Enduring The Same Symptoms
For some, it might be ‘new year, new me’ but when living with a chronic illness, there are no new beginnings or a new self. Life and the symptoms that accompany illness continue to be unpredictable. There is no time or room to establish a ‘new me’. All my time and energy seem to concentrate on enduring the relentless, debilitating symptoms that are wreaking havoc upon my body. Trapped in limbo, never knowing when it will end, or when my body will allow me to function enough to be able to accomplish anything.
"For some, it might be 'new year, new me' but when living with a chronic illness, there are no new beginnings or a new self. Life and the symptoms that accompany illness continue to be unpredictable." Share on XSelf-improvement and progress are hard to achieve when symptoms continue to worsen. I have often found that I have taken one step forward toward progress only to be forced two steps backwards. Reflecting on the years of living with illness, I can only envisage stagnation and decline. And with no signs of improvement or progress.
Revealing The Best Way to Live Life Is To Let Go of Expectations
A lesson that living with chronic illness has taught me is that expectations often lead to disappointment. After every new prescription or new treatment leads to an expectation of improvement and recovery. But this expectation only led to disappointment as they fail to improve the symptoms that they’d promise to benefit. The promise of a sign of improvement only leads to disappointment when it does not last.
Living life with a chronic illness is overcoming the expectation of how you imagined the year was going to be (as well as the rest of your life). And more importantly, it is gauging how to reinvent yourself alongside such adversity to live your best life despite it.
"Living life with a chronic illness is overcoming the expectation of how you imagined the year was going to be (as well as the rest of your life). And more importantly, it is gauging how to reinvent yourself alongside such… Share on XLiving without expectations allows you to be open-minded; and welcome uncertainty and surprises, good or bad. Letting go of the idea that we have control over what happens to us. Life with FND has taught me that unfortunately, I have very little control of my life and body. Sadly, I am continuing to learn its symptoms have much more control than I would like.
It means going along for the ride, whatever it has planned. Life with a chronic illness is far easier when we can roll with its punches, rather than be defeated by them.
Gracing The Future With Hope
As much as living with chronic illness and its symptoms is a colossal endurance race. But, there is also tremendous endurance in living and surviving chronic illness and chronic pain. I am often unable to acknowledge, but I continue to survive the many ordeals it throws at me. One of the most surprising things I have learnt is that as much as FND steals from me, there is still so much that it cannot take from me.
"As much as living with chronic illness and its symptoms is a colossal endurance race. But, there is also tremendous endurance in living and surviving chronic illness and chronic pain." Share on XThere is still so much joy and wonder to experience despite such adversity and suffering. And that wildly positive and infinite things are still possible despite evidence to the contrary. Despite the continued struggles with illness, I will try gracing the future with hope and strength. And gracefully accept the unknowns and uncertainty that illness compels.
I will continue to give up on making resolutions and plan small things that I can control. Plans such as what book I will read next, or what chocolate I will devour tonight for my weekend treat!
Sheryl from A Chronic Voice, as well as sharing her own stories and lessons with chronic illness. Sheryl is an excellent support to other bloggers and writers living with illness and chronic pain. One such way is through monthly link-up parties whereby bloggers and writers share their stories through given prompts. In January, I have chosen to write about the pain and uncertainty that the New Year can provoke for someone living with chronic illness.
7 Comments
Very, very well said, Rhiann. I feel the same, and even though each year I’ve wanted desperately to feel the whole ‘new beginnings’ sense of enthusiasm that things will get better, things have only ever gotten worse. It’s exhausting and disheartening to say the least. It’s a lesson you learn the hard way to adjust your perspective and expectations while holding on to hope, no matter how dark the days get. Fantastic post that I sadly think many people in the chronic illness community will be able to relate to. xx
I do feel you, I am really on the same wavelength, no matter what new treatment I try nothing seems to work. It’s so hard to hold on to hope, so hard to look forward to the future, to accept a new year as a new beginning. But we don’t really have much choice do we? I hope you do manage to find some peace, comfort and happiness this year. (Neurological conditions really are the pits!)
Such a well written post. I am always moved by your words and also can relate so well. This statement in particular just grabbed ahold of me: “Living life with a chronic illness is overcoming the expectation of how you imagined the year was going to be (as well as the rest of your life). And more importantly, it is gauging how to reinvent yourself alongside such adversity to live your best life despite it.”
Goodness, it can be such a struggle to let go of expectations, and New Years in particular tries to suck us back in to all of those conventional expectations of goals and resolutions and plans. Like you, I have had to learn over the years how to let go of those things though. There are ways we can strive to move ahead and to “reinvent [ourselves] alongside adversity” but we can never just choose those “normal” expectations we may have previously set for ourselves.
I appreciate so much your realness in speaking this truth. Sending you comfort and understanding.
Rhiann thank you for sharing the struggles of setting goals and resolutions with chronic illness. I love what you said about letting go of expectations so you can be open to surprises, even though they might be bad or good. You’ve really highlighted that balance of being realistic while holding onto hope.
I hope your new year is filled with all the strength you need plus the good books and chocolate you’re looking forward to.
I’ve struggled with the concept of new year since being unwell too. As you say, illness doesn’t know about a date in the diary and it won’t change or stop overnight.
This year started for me with no resolutions or plans other than to make the most of each day as it comes. I think there’s freedom in believing that is enough.
Happy New Year, Rhiann. You’ve summed it up perfectly. I was trying to explain this to my mom and she said I get negative every year and I admit, it hurt to hear that. We are allowed to feel like this. The exchange made me realize healthy people will never get what it is like to run a marathon through a year of illness, sprint to the finish line for the new year and then move right into a new year full of illness with no rest. I’ve forwarded your article to her.