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Loving Yourself Isn't Easy When Chronically Ill
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Loving Yourself Isn’t Easy When Chronically Ill

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There are insurmountable challenges when living with chronic illness. The constant, excruciating pain. The neverending fatigue that even the longest night’s sleep refuses to fix. The endless anxiety of never knowing when symptoms will strike next, leaving you incapable of doing well, anything. But one challenge is often overlooked. And that challenge is the ability to love yourself. No, loving yourself isn’t easy when chronically ill.

"The constant, excruciating pain. The neverending fatigue that even the longest night's sleep refuses to fix. The endless anxiety of never knowing when symptoms will strike. No, loving yourself isn't easy when chronically ill." Share on X
When we are diagnosed with a chronic illness, we wish we could break up with our bodies that insist on tormenting us with such debilitating symptoms – photo by Gabby K from Pexels.

It is easy to love yourself when things are going well, and the road ahead lies ample opportunities. The future looks bright and promising, and one which you cannot wait to explore. But all these carefully mapped-out-plans suddenly become rewritten by our bodies. The body that we thought we knew implicitly suddenly becomes something we no longer recognise. Our body is no longer a source of comfort and familiarity, but instead is now a strange, unfamiliar vessel that we loathe. It becomes a prison, holding us captive. A sentence which we are unable to escape, and which we must endure.

It may have been easy to love ourselves before the invasion of chronic illness, but it becomes increasingly difficult with it now a permanent part of our everyday life.

Why Is It Hard to Love Yourself When Living With a Chronic Illness?

It is hard to love a body when you can no longer recognise it as your own. After illness comes into your life, your body no longer feels like it once did. Nor does it work like it once did. The body once a friend now an enemy intent on making your life a misery. How can we love a body that is continually tormenting us?

"Your body no longer feels like it once did. Nor does it work like it once did. The body once a friend now an enemy intent on making your life a misery. How can we love a body that is continually tormenting us?" Share on X

It isn’t easy to love your body when it is continually reminding us that it’s flawed and wrecked with constant, debilitating pain. The first sensation I feel upon waking is intense, throbbing pain, and it is also the last thing I perceive before I go to sleep. If I am lucky to fall asleep, that is. However, more often than not, such intense, crippling pain keeps me awake all night, which those in the chronic illness community call painsomnia.

"It isn't easy to love your body when it continually reminds you that it's flawed and wrecked with constant, debilitating pain. It is challenging to love a body that lets you down and prevents you from living a 'normal' life." Share on X

In the morning, when I look in the mirror, all I can observe as I study my reflection is the extremely ashen complexion of my skin and the strikingly dark circles under my eyes. These two features make me look as tired and unwell as I feel. Even applying the best concealer I own does little to disguise the too dark circles under my eyes, or improve my complexion. Still, I look sick, affecting my self-esteem and becoming increasingly unconfident over my physical appearance.

It is challenging to love the part of your body that continually lets you down and prevents you from living a ‘normal’ life.

No, Loving Yourself Isn’t Easy When Chronically Ill

I hate my legs the most of any part of my body. They are the part of my body that hurts the most. I can no longer trust them as they frequently collapse from under me with no warning. As a result, I no longer feel safe in my own body, and it is a constant source of anxiety and worry. It is also beyond frustrating when my body refuses to go along with my plans.

"I no longer feel safe in my own body, and it is a constant source of anxiety and worry. It is also beyond frustrating when my body refuses to go along with my plans." Share on X

I feel self-conscious as I stumble around as my legs tremble beneath me. A gait similar to that of a drunk person; I feel people’s stares in judgment or puzzlement.

The constant failings of my body is a continual reminder that I am not in control of it, but instead am at the mercy of my own body.

"The constant failings of my body is a continual reminder that I am not in control of it, but instead am at the mercy of my own body." Share on X

With my legs and mobility worsening, I have become reliant on mobility aids to get around. Something that often makes me feel embarrassed and insecure. As I look around, I fail to see anyone else my age also needing such aids. I am unsuccessful in seeing myself or my experiences of living with a neurological disorder and disability reflected in the books, television programmes or films I surround myself with while trying to fill the void of my isolation. It often makes me question where, and even if I belong. As I feel I don’t belong, I struggle to make friends because it affects my self-worth and self-esteem. Just another reason why it can be a struggle to love myself.

"I can't see myself or my experiences of living with a neurological disorder reflected in the books, television programmes or films I surround myself with, making me question where, and even if I belong." Share on X

It Isn’t Easy to Love a Body That Holds You Back; Unable To Become The Person You Want To Be

It isn’t easy to love a body that holds you back. I had so many dreams and aspirations when I was young. I dreamed of a career as a psychologist, aspirations of travelling a little more, and perhaps marriage and children later on in life. But when my health deteriorated such dreams and aspirations seemingly became unreachable. And things that once were easy and now much more difficult due to the severity of the symptoms. Left, being unable to do very much by myself, leaves me feeling incredibly unproductive and worthless, to be honest. I feel trapped in the prison of my body, forced to endure painful and uncomfortable bodily sensations, feeling ashamed of how little I have achieved so far in my life.

"I feel trapped in the prison of my body, forced to endure painful and uncomfortable bodily sensations, feeling ashamed of how little I have achieved so far in my life." Share on X

Living a life in which I cannot do much, I always worry that I and my life are incredibly dull. With the inability to go out by myself, books, films and television programmes have become a passport to the outside world. With little experience or excitement, much of my conversations become focused on what I’ve read or seen. I worry that I have become boring, and is how I come across to others.

Trying To Not Let Chronic Illness Rob Me of Self-Love

Chronic illness has stolen so much from me, but I have also allowed it to rob me of self-love. But perhaps I have been looking at myself and my body all wrong. I have only been able to see what illness has taken from me. But as much it has taken, it has also given. When it feels the hardest, I should acknowledge all that my body can still do for me. At times, during a severe flare, it can feel that my entire body is failing I should shift my focus onto those parts that still are working.

"Chronic illness has stolen so much from me, but I have also allowed it to rob me of self-love." Share on X

I also need to remind myself that my distance from the world does not make me less, but instead gives me a unique perspective on life. When faced with the worst in life, you can appreciate and value the small pleasures in life, and because of it, we choose to be as good as we can to the world and those in it.

To combat the worthlessness and self-blame that chronic illness invokes, I instead need to embrace self-love. That means accepting myself and my illness despite wishing things were different. It also means yielding self-compassion when unable to do x, y or z and celebrating those times I can. As Whitney Houston once sang, “Learning to love yourself/Is the greatest love of all.”

"I need to accept myself and my illness despite wishing things were different. As Whitney Houston once sang, "Learning to love yourself/Is the greatest love of all." Share on X
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In Chronic Illness

5 Ways To Find Self-Love When Chronically Ill

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Sheryl from A Chronic Voice, as well as sharing her own stories and lessons with chronic illness. Sheryl is an excellent support to other bloggers and writers living with illness and chronic pain. One such way is through monthly link-up parties whereby bloggers and writers share their stories through given prompts. For February 2020, I will use the prompts to discuss five ways in which we can use to find self-love when chronically ill.

After what felt like an incredibly long month, we finally find ourselves in February. February, a month that many regards as the ‘Month of Love’ as we look towards preparations for St. Valentine’s Day. A holiday that, for many, is exclusive for couples, as they those arrange to celebrate the person they love.

Sadly, however, we rarely take the time to celebrate ourselves. Often, we never take time to love ourselves; spending more time being hard on ourselves, or running ourselves down. Many even find it difficult to love themselves at all.

"We rarely take the time to celebrate ourselves. Often, we never take time to love ourselves; spending more time being hard on ourselves, or running ourselves down. Many even find it difficult to love themselves at all." Share on X
The most important relationship will always be the one you have with yourself, which is why self-love is so important especially when living with the demands of chronic illness.

It can be hard to feel self-love when in a constant battle with your body

It can be especially challenging to find love ourselves, for example, when living with chronic illness. Why is this?

Because when living with a chronic illness, self-esteem becomes heavily impacted. When constantly sick and in pain, we too are confronted with the many negative changes that our body undergoes. As a result, it can foster a deep hatred of our bodies. We find ourselves constantly exhausted when always on edge, waiting for the next imminent hurdle or setback.

"When constantly sick and in pain, we too are confronted with the many negative changes that our body undergoes. As a result, it can foster a deep hatred of our bodies, and ourselves." Share on X

We also find ourselves unable to do many of the things we used to do.   And forced to rely on others for help with often the simplest of things. So, we start to feel shame and guilt for succumbing to illness. And so not only do we not love ourselves, but it can also lead to feelings of self-hatred. 

RuPaul once famously said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else.” Such profound words, but also begs the question of how we can love our life if we are unable to love ourselves first?

The above quote also begs the question on how we can love our life, especially one including a chronic illness if we are unable to love yourselves first?

So how can we start to work on self-love when living with the constant effects of chronic pain. Plus the many other symptoms that accompany life with chronic illness?

"How can we start to work on self-love when living with the constant effects of chronic pain. Plus the many other symptoms that accompany life with chronic illness?" Share on X

Way to Find Self Love When Chronically Ill: Don’t Go Looking To Comparing Yourself To Others

With the rise of social media, it is easier than ever to compare yourself to that of others. We are often our own worst enemy, as we pick ourselves apart, weighing ourselves and our achievements against others. As a consequence, we often feel that we fail to measure up to everyone else.

For those of us living with chronic illness, we are particularly susceptible to feeling low as well as feelings that we are ‘less than’ as we compare ourselves to others. As we look to our healthy peers, we think that we have failed to achieve as much as them. Or feelings of jealousy as we see them living without the limitations or obstacles that we continue to face every day. 

"For those of us living with chronic illness, we are particularly susceptible to feeling low as well as feelings that we are 'less than' as we compare ourselves to others." Share on X

But, they don’t live with the limitations that we do, so comparing ourselves against them is futile, leading to feelings of self-hatred and blame. Instead we need to learn to celebrate and embrace our lives, imperfections and all. There is only going to be one you, and that is always going to be enough and deserves celebrating!

Way to Find Self-Love When Chronically Ill: Playing The Gratitude Card

When living with a chronic illness, and with a body that is continuously hurting, it can be too easy to focus on everything that is wrong with our bodies. It becomes easy to see our bodies as a prison cell, with no escape, trapped inside hell.

It can seem, especially when blighted with unrelenting symptoms that things are constantly going wrong. And as consequence we fail to see or appreciate when things are going right.

If you struggle with gratitude, a journal to note down things that have gone right or for that which make you feel good despite constant pain and sickness can be a useful exercise. Photo by Freshh Connection on Unsplash.

It can be a useful exercise, therefore, to practice gratitude by keeping a journal for when things go right — or writing down the things that make you feel good despite chronic illness. It can also help reframe our criticism with our bodies with gratitude for its hard work in fighting illness.

"When practising gratitude, the act of self-love becomes second nature. It helps us to see the blessings around us, including ourselves." Share on X

When practising gratitude, the act of self-love becomes second nature. It helps us to see the blessings around us, including ourselves. And the thoughts we hold become less focused on criticism and self-doubt to love, kindness and acceptance towards ourselves despite the unrelenting force of chronic illness and its symptoms.

Way to Find Self-Love When Chronically Ill: Joining A New Club & Engaging With A Hobby or Interest

When living with persistent and debilitating symptoms, and never feeling well, it can be easy to succumb to the illness and begin to see that it is all we are. It is often all too easy to start to see the diagnosis as the sole defining factor of our identity.

But as we do so, confronted with the increasing number of losses, self-hatred and lack of purpose also grow. By taking up a new hobby, or engaging with previous hobbies and interests, it may help increase our self-confidence. They give us an identity outside that of chronic illness and gives us a new sense of purpose.

"By taking up a new hobby, or engaging with previous hobbies and interests, it may help increase our self-confidence. They give us an identity outside that of chronic illness and gives us a new sense of purpose." Share on X

It allows us the opportunity not to have our illness at the top of our minds, and to feel like everyone else. It gives us the gift of feeling like our peers. And it also allows us the fortuity to connect with like-minded individuals; the ability to connect with others. When spending so much time at home, often alone due to illness, it is easy to become isolated. But being with others and taking part in an activity, you all have an interest in helping foster a sense of belonging.

Joining a group or taking up a hobby allows us to make connections with other like-minded people, which also helps us to make us feel better about ourselves. Photo by Perry Grone on Unsplash.

Also, when developing a hobby, especially during hardships, it can help increase self-confidence by giving you a sense of accomplishment every time we progress on that hobby. And that new sense of achievement gives us something new to feel good about ourselves. It also reminds us of the abilities that we do still have, especially when it feels that chronic illness only takes away.

"Also, when developing a hobby, especially during hardships, it can help increase self-confidence by giving you a sense of accomplishment every time we progress, giving us something new to feel good about ourselves." Share on X

Way to Find Self-Love When Chronically Ill: Invigorating Body and Soul With Simple Acts of Self-Care

In recent times ‘self-care’ has become a fashionable buzzword conjuring images of luxurious spa days, or a shopping spree for example. Although such activities can be fun and rewarding, for those of us living with chronic illness are ones which we don’t have the energy or financial means to enjoy.

Self-care doesn’t have to include luxurious spa days; it can be as simple as taking a bath, or listening to our bodies and giving it what it needs. Photo by Luis Ruiz from Pexels.

But simple acts of self-care can be as rewarding. Actions such as taking a bath or shower, followed by using a favourite lotion. Or ensuring that we are drinking enough water during the day and nourishing our body with healthy and nutritious foods.

"Self-care is taking the time to listen to our bodies, and giving it what it needs at that moment. Doing what you can for your body to make yourself feel better." Share on X

Self-care is taking the time to listen to our bodies, and giving it what it needs at that moment. Doing what you can for your body to make yourself feel better. And doing so helps to restore the balance in your relationship with your body.

Way to Find Self-Love When Chronically Ill: Ditching Self-Blame

When living with a chronic illness, there is a strong temptation to self-blame. For those of us struggling with pain and sickness, it can feel the suffering is punishment for something we’ve done wrong or retribution for a deep character flaw. Or when illness flares, we may blame ourselves for the situation, as penance for overdoing it or not taking better care of ourselves.

"An essential path towards self-love is in learning to accept ourselves and our conditions. It also means yielding self-compassion when we are left unable to do anything and celebrating those times we can." Share on X

To combat falling into the spiral of self-blame is to replace it with self-love. An essential path towards self-love is in learning to accept ourselves and our conditions despite wishing things were different. It also means yielding self-compassion when we are left unable to do anything and celebrating those times we can.

After all, there is no benefit to self-blame and only leads to a hefty emotional tax to thinking this way.

So, how do you find your way towards self-love when living with a chronic illness?

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Finding Beauty in Life With A Chronic Illness
In Chronic Illness

Finding Beauty in Life With A Chronic Illness

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Sheryl from A Chronic Voice, as well as sharing her own stories and lessons with chronic illness.  Sheryl is an excellent support to other bloggers and writers living with illness and chronic pain.  One such way is through monthly link-up parties whereby bloggers and writers share their stories through given prompts. 

As it’s February and generally considered the month of love, I thought I would use this month’s prompts to discern ways we can find beauty and love life  despite the significant cost that chronic illness has on our existence. 

Adjusting

Adjusting: Verb. Alter or move (something) slightly to achieve the desired fit, appearance or result

The first step to rebuilding life in the wake of a life-changing diagnosis is acceptance. Only by accepting the diagnosis can we then move forward and build a happy and content life despite the unwelcome changes that accompany chronic illness.

"Being diagnosed with a chronic illness is akin to being given new puzzle pieces that we have to learn to fit into our personal jigsaw." Share on X

After acceptance, we can then make adjustments to make room for chronic illness into our new life. Being given a diagnosis of a long-term health condition is akin to be handed new jigsaw pieces. These new jigsaw pieces don’t initially fit the canvas that makes up our lives. Therefore, adjustments are required to install these pieces into our life puzzle.

Being diagnosed with a chronic illness is like being handed new puzzle pieces that we have to attempt to fit in with our life.

Life with a chronic illness requires constant adjustments. Adjusting to a never-ending list of symptoms as new ones develop. Adjusting to new medications and the awful side-effects that accompany them. And adjusting to the new and ever-worsening version of ourselves.

"Life with a chronic illness requires constant adjustments. Adjusting to symptoms, new medications and the awful side-effects that accompany them. And adjusting to a new version of ourselves." Share on X

Adjusting to a new identity, the expectations for ourselves all in order to find a new normal.

Hoping

Hoping: Verb. Want something to happen or be the case

When first diagnosed with a chronic illness, we hope that it will go away. That one day we will wake from a deep sleep, and everything will go back to what it once was.

When we realise and accept that this is merely a pipe dream. And after we had made necessary adjustments to find a place for our new diagnosis, hope evolves into something else.

Although we know a cure is never going to materialise, that we will never get better we never stop hoping nevertheless. We hope that there will be improvements, a hope that life will get better regardless of the permanency of illness.

"Without a promise of a cure, we don't stop hoping nevertheless. Every morning, new hope is born. Hope that medication will suddenly alleviate our suffering. Hope that today, our symptoms will not hinder our plans." Share on X
hope spelt out in wooden scrabble tiles
Every morning, new hope is born

Every morning, new hope is born. Hope that today will be the day when the medicine prescribed will suddenly work wonders and alleviate suffering. A hope that although the symptoms are a constant comrade, that their presence will not hinder our plans.

Sometimes it may seem that hope is a wasted endeavour; wishful thinking that may have little chance of becoming a reality. Hope however is much more powerful that we often realise. It allows us to see a light when surrounded by darkness; the light informing us of better days ahead. Most importantly, hope is the thread that allows us to hold on and survive the worst of days.

"Hope allows us to see the light despite being surrounded by darkness; it informs us that better days are ahead, allowing us to be able to survive the worst of days." Share on X

Surviving

Surviving: Adjective. Continuing to exist; remaining intact

When first being diagnosed with a chronic illness and confronted with symptoms, it is tempting to push through and continue as if they don’t exist.

"Pushing through the symptoms of chronic illness can often do more harm than good. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves a 'day of survival.'" Share on X

Often, however, to do so does more harm than good and only serves to prolong the flare. What we need is to allow ourselves a ‘day of survival.’ To let ourselves succumb to the debilitating and unpleasant symptoms and to allow ourselves a day of rest for self-care and recuperation.

a hot cup of tea and a pen resting on top of a journal resting atop a duvet
On the worst days often the kindest we can do for ourselves is to allow us a day of survival for much needed rest and recuperation

A day of recuperation will not be the same for everyone and depends on the preferences of the individual and what the symptoms will allow us to do. But it may include a Netflix binge-watching session, or gaining comfort from a favourite book. Or even the luxury of a warm bath or shower has the power for a moment of indulgence.

It can be a difficult transition to make, especially if we are used to living a busy and hectic life. But when living with a chronic illness, there are days when we are surviving instead of living. Days when we are moving forward at a snail’s pace. But we also learn that this OK,. Allowing ourselves to slow down we are best able to appreciate and be grateful for the positive things in our life, for those that chronic illness cannot touch.

Befriending

Befriending: Verb. Act as or become a friend to (someone), especially when they are in need of help or support

To find beauty and love life again despite the darkness and ugliness that chronic illness unveils it can be useful to befriend our condition. It’s never going to become your best friend, and you will find yourself in many arguments with it, but is going to be something that we will have constant interactions with every day for the rest of our lives. To live a more successful and gratifying life despite chronic illness, we need to better understand it better.

hands making a love heart sign in front of a sunset
We need to learn to befriend our conditions and ourselves for a life living in harmony despite a chronic illness

As such, it’s essential to build an amicable relationship with our illness and our body. To set boundaries, so that we do not make foolish mistakes and trigger or make worse the symptoms that accompany our new permanent ‘friend.’

"Befriending chronic illness allows us to be able to set boundaries and not make mistakes which could trigger our make worse the symptoms that accompany our new 'friend.'" Share on X

In order to live well and in harmony with a chronic illness, therefore, we need to learn our limits, and to know what we can and cannot handle before symptoms makes their presence known.

abstract picture of love spelt out in block letters

And to know and understand what a ‘bad day’ and a ‘good day looks and feels like for us. If we are in the midst of a bad day for example, and we are aware of that, we can, therefore, take steps to better look after ourselves and prevent it from getting even worse.

By learning to befriend and make peace with this new companion in life, also makes it easier to understand and accept the limitations they bring. By understanding and knowing what is happening and why I’m better equipped in handling the emotional fallout.

It is essential for our well-being that we listen to our bodies and that to what it is trying to tell us and act accordingly. Becoming friends with illness is not a cure, however, but doing so will make life with it much more manageable. And allowing us to spend less energy so we can use it on more enjoyable pursuits.

Also, we also need to learn to befriend ourselves in the wake of a diagnosis. To allow us to get to know the new person that the diagnosis forces us to become, and the one who is different to whom we were before. We are of course the same person we were before, but the changes and challenges chronic illness presents we feel different. Befriending the new us allows us to treat ourselves with compassion and love.

"In the wake of a diagnosis, we also need to befriend this new us that chronic illness forces us to become, and different to whom we were before." Share on X

Awakening

Awakening: Noun. An act or moment of becoming suddenly aware of something

After first being diagnosed with a chronic illness, we have a new awakening to the knowledge that life will never be the same. To awaken an understanding of this new diagnosis and how we can feel as well as possible in this ‘new’ body.

"A sudden diagnosis awakens the knowledge that life will never be the same. And by doing so, we need to understand this diagnosis and how to feel well in this 'new' body." Share on X
i am grateful ceramic plaque in the shape of a love heart
Allowing ourselves to feel gratitude awakens positivity

Living with a chronic illness is undoubtedly difficult. There are often many more downs than up. Despite this, however, life with a chronic illness awakens the capability to practice gratitude.

The bad days, which are plenty when living with a chronic illness makes us appreciate those rare days even more. Practicing gratitude and becoming consciously aware of everything we are thankful. Gratitude reintroduces light into our life where chronic illness had previously trapped us in the dark.

"Living with the many limitations that accompany chronic illness, however, awakens a new appreciation and gratitude for the rare good days that we do get to experience." Share on X

And practicing gratitude helps to change a negative mindset into a positive one, allowing us to see and appreciate the beauty in life. Becoming more positive has an apparent beneficial effect on our mental health, and allowing for developing more appropriate coping strategies.

These are just some ways to find beauty and joy in life with chronic illness. How do you see beauty beyond a life with chronic illness? Feel free to share your ideas in the comments.

February Link-Up Party With A Chronic Illness
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