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It can be challenging and scary to acknowledge and profess your vulnerability for all the world to see. Recently, I did just this, chronicling the worsening of my symptom of FND, and the impact that it has had on my mental health. I received many messages of support, especially from those within the chronic illness community. But, I also received comments such as “don’t worry so much, you’ll get through it,” “stay positive, it will soon pass“, and the cliched “get better soon.” While many see these as supportive and well-meaning messages of support, for those who are chronically ill, they are examples of toxic positivity.

What is Toxic Positivity?

But what it is toxic positivity? Toxic positivity describes the concept of being positive and only being positive while rejecting everything negative. It is a culture which prescribes feeling or acting happy and cheerful even if not the truth.

"Toxic positivity describes the concept of being positive and only being positive while rejecting everything negative. It is a culture which prescribes feeling or acting happy and cheerful even if not the truth." Share on X

The Idea That Positivity Is A Magical Cure Is Itself Toxic

For those living with chronic illness, positivity has become regarded as a Fairy Godmother like presence. That by merely being positive and happy, we can magically cure ourselves of our sickness. And positivity alone can wondrously compel symptoms to disappear. Or worse, that surrendering to dark, gloomy thoughts is a sign of wanting to be ill.

"For those living with chronic illness, positivity has become regarded as a Fairy Godmother like presence. That by merely being positive and happy, we can magically cure ourselves of our sickness." Share on X

Of course, I would love for my Fairy Godmother to exist and cast away the debilitating symptoms that have wreaked havoc upon my body and life. But they do not exist, and I am never going to get better. I would love to get better. But sadly it’s unlikely ever to happen. It isn’t pessimism or negativity; it’s reality.

That does not mean; however, I oppose the idea of positivity. In my sanctuary, I have surrounded myself with positive and uplifting quotes printed on greeting cards and postcards. Or even ceramic decorative objects adorned with an inspirational quote or affirmation. On my Twitter and Instagram accounts, I often like to share inspirational and motivational quotes when they resonate. I love, therefore to surround myself and operate in positivity whenever I can.

The positivity that I choose to exude, however, is not to deny or avoid my problems but to make them more tolerable. For the truth is, that no matter how positive and exuberant I am, it is not a magical cure for my affliction. Still, I am sick.

"The positivity that I choose to exude, however, is not to deny or avoid my problems but to make them more tolerable. For the truth is, that no matter how positive and exuberant I am, it is not a magical cure. Still, I am sick." Share on X

Positive, Yes, But Still Sick

No matter how cheerful or optimistic I feel, the pain is always present. Regardless of how buoyant I may be the trembling and weakness is still severe and debilitating. Despite feeling on cloud nine, the dizziness never dissipates. Becoming a Pollyanna isn’t going to fix my broken brain. I cannot think or will myself to be and feel well; I am unable to control the symptoms that accompany FND; it just is.

"Becoming a Pollyanna isn't going to fix my broken brain. I cannot think or will myself to be and feel well; I am unable to control the symptoms that accompany FND; it just is." Share on X
No matter how positive and cheerful we may be in our lives with chronic illness, still, we are sick. Photo by Blu Byrd from Pexel.

But the truth is that the ray of sunshine that positivity provides transforms into dark clouds caused by such persistent and debilitating symptoms. In reality, it is exceptionally challenging to cultivate positivity whilst in the throes of agonising pain; the type of agony that medications cannot subdue. It is hard to maintain positiveness when the world will not stop spinning; or when left bruised and injured after yet another fall. Being peppy and animated cannot suddenly compel my legs to stop trembling or make them any more robust. A smile and positivity cannot always meet the rigorous demands of life with a chronic illness. And on the worst of days, I do not possess the ability to adorn a happy face or gloss over the struggles that I continually face.

"A smile and positivity cannot always meet the rigorous demands of life with a chronic illness. And on the worst of days, I do not possess the ability to adorn a happy face or gloss over the struggles that I continually face." Share on X

When I am experiencing a significant flare, I only possess enough energy to survive each day that it lasts. I am unable to find the strength to search for the ray of light that positivity radiates. And I feel every emotion under the sun bar the happy and positive ones. Instead, I am alone and isolated with only pain and suffering for company.

If Not Positive All The Time, Am I To Blame For My Continued Sickness?

And this loneliness and isolation are magnified when scrawling through social media only to be met with memes about the power of positive thinking or inspirational quotes. Such posts, and those who post them make me worry about expressing the reality of my feelings for fear of being judged or harassed for not being positive enough.

I am grappling not only with the disabling symptoms of a neurological disorder but also the guilt and shame that somehow I am the cause of my continued ill-health. If recovery is dependent on what you believe, or how hard you fight, then the failure to do so becomes just that – a failing.

"If recovery is dependent on what you believe, or how hard you fight, then the failure to do so becomes just that – a failing." Share on X

After internalising the power of positivity for many years, I question whether I brought FND on myself. If only I meditated more or were more positive, would I be fully recovered, and not crying in agony? As such thoughts run through my head, it is easy to experience shame and feelings of incompetency at the idea that I have not tried hard enough to be positive.

Being sent positive and inspirational quotes such as the one above only make us question whether our negative thoughts and feelings are the reason we are still sick. Photo by Binti Malu from Pexels

It does not help me feel any better or more positive when sent cliched inspirational and positive memes of quotes. The words do not cure or even alleviate tormenting symptoms. Instead, it puts relentless pressure to be positive and cheerful, and feelings of inadequacy when failing to do so.

"It does not help me feel more positive when sent cliched inspirational quotes. The words do not cure tormenting symptoms. Instead, it puts relentless pressure to be positive and feelings of inadequacy when failing to do so." Share on X

But I Have Learnt That My Thoughts Do Not Influence How I Feel

At the coal face of living with chronic illness, I have learnt to accept the reality of it. Every day, I face the symptoms. Some days are good, while others are bad, but my thoughts or feelings fail to influence the kind of day I am going to experience. Even if I could suppress the negative thoughts and feelings that arise from the challenges of living with a chronic illness, they would still exist, however. When struggling, I do not want force-feeding positive and inspirational messages, but for my feelings to be heard, accepted and validated.

"I have learnt to accept the reality of it. Every day, I face the symptoms. Some days are good, while others are bad, but my thoughts or feelings fail to influence the kind of day I am going to experience." Share on X

Living with a chronic illness is demanding and challenging. A terrible thing is happening to us, so are we not allowed to feel negative about it?

Yes, positivity can make the experience easier to bear, but it is no magical cure.

But, by making it out that it is, is what turns positivity toxic.

"Yes, positivity can make the experience of living with a chronic illness easier to bear, but it is no magical cure. But by making it out that it is, is what turns positivity toxic." Share on X

If I were asked to sum up my current life in just one word, then there is only one word I could conjure which would adequately describe it. Pain.

From the moment I wake up, and until I (finally) fall asleep, all I can feel is the pain that assaults my body. The pain has become the bookends of my days. My entire life and existence becoming defined by its tight grip. It is all-encompassing. There are no aspects of life that the pain leaves untouched. And it’s become the strongest voice in my life.

"Pain becomes all-encompassing. It leaves no aspect of our bodies or lives untouched and becomes the strongest voice in our lives." Share on X

The pain is like a kidnapper. It enforces you into a cage, you an innocent victim and the pain as your captor. It isolates you and robs you of your already fragile independence. Every step sends a jolt of debilitating pain throughout my spine and legs. It prevents you from venturing too far, shackling you to the house.

Chronic pain is the biggest thief. It steals your independence, your plans, your sleep…it steals your life.
"Pain is like a kidnapper. Enforcing you into a cage, and you as it's innocent captor. It isolates and robs you of your already fragile independence." Share on X

As the days of crippling pain increase, so does the shade of the dark circles under my eyes, thanks to insomnia that develops as a result. Along with the dark circles, my eyes are red from all the tears shed as a result of the excruciating pain and the subsequent lack of sleep. Days in which my existence is more concerned with survival, clinging onto the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and grasping on until the time I can take the next dose of painkillers — medication which only dulls the pain. But, when the pain is at it’s worse, we will accept any relief we can get.

It can be difficult to feel happy or joy during a relentless pain flare. The unpredictable nature of the beast; not knowing when the next incapacitating pain will strike. I could be feeling great one minute and overwhelmed with immense pain the next. It is hard to find joy while trapped in a life that you didn’t want or ask for, and one in which you are unable to escape.

"It is hard to find joy when trapped in a life that you didn't want or ask for, and one in which you are unable to escape." Share on X

Living with constant and unrelenting pain is much like living under a permanent dark cloud. Feelings of joy, happiness, and contentment feel like they are so out of reach. But when these feelings go on for so long, we realise that this has to change. With the realisation that the pain is forever so, we have to find happiness for ourselves. To allow a slither of light between the dark clouds, and welcome some light within the darkness.

When we realise that pain is forever so does the realisation that we need to search for joy within it.
"With the realisation that pain is forever,  we so to understand that we have to search for joy within it ourselves." Share on X

For some, it sounds counter-intuitive; the idea that a person can feel such pain but can also feel happiness at the same time. How can that be so? It’s difficult yes, it’s not about denying the existence of pain but acknowledging and accepting it. Accepting the pain and illness as permanent companions limit the power they have over our thoughts and emotions. I can accept I am in pain and the unfairness of it, but also not allow the agony to stop me from welcoming positivity and joy in my thoughts.

I have experienced many incredible moments while being in a great deal of pain. Moments such as travelling, for example. My last encounter with travel was also one in which I was suffering a torrent of agony. It failed to stop me however from appreciating the awe-inspiring scenery before my eyes.

Travelling is one such pursuit that makes you fully appreciate the real magic and beauty of the world outside our immediate surroundings. But much more, it allows us to venture beyond our everyday life. Beyond our lives with chronic pain. It’s a beautiful reminder that there is so much more to life than pain. More to our lives, and more which defines us beyond pain and illness, something which can be difficult to remember while in the midst of such devastation. It provides the opportunity to steal time back from the horrible thief that is chronic pain.

"Seeing the world reminds us that there is more beyond pain and illness. It provides the opportunity to steal time back from the horrible thief that is chronic pain." Share on X
The amazing scenery that I’ve seen as a result of my travels. Joyful and happy memories that they evoke despite the recollections of the pain and illness that threatened to blight the trips.

While experiencing such desolation during the everyday, mundane days of our lives, however, it can be difficult to find and appreciate moments of joy. When the pain is piercing, it is only by observing that for which you are grateful for is often the only thread of hope to grip tight. And without hope, we would not be able to see a way through the pain and the myriad of other symptoms that accompany it.

"When the pain is piercing, it is only by observing that for which you are grateful for is often the only thread of hope to hold onto – without hope we would not be able to see a way through." Share on X
Happiest Gratitude Journal
Allwoing a small moment for gratitude and positivity with the The Happiest Gratitude Journal from The Itty Bitty Book Co: https://ittybittybookco.com/products/the-happiest-gratitude-journal

Joy is the smooth and creamy taste of chocolate on the tongue. Happiness is wrapped up beneath a warm blanket with a superb book. There is a pleasure to be found with a binge-watch of a favourite television box set. Or a movie marathon beneath a comforting blanket or duvet. Enjoyment is the distraction from pain and illness with an expedition outside the house. It’s the enjoyment of a warm and satisfying mug of hot chocolate in a favourite haunt.

Joy is an unexpected phone call or text from a good friend. It’s an acknowledgment that we are loved and we’ve not forgotten while the pain has shackled us to a sick bed.

Positive and uplifting quotes can help us find joy within our lives with chronic pain.
We can find joy even in the midst of pain and illness but only if we do our best to search for them.

There are moments of happiness and joy amidst the destruction and devastation of chronic pain. The sun can prevail amongst the dark, thunderous storm clouds allowing light to banish the darkness that exists.

"There can be moments of happiness and joy amidst the devastation of chronic pain. The sun can prevail amongst the dark, storm clouds allowing light to banish the darkness that exists." Share on X

If pain is making its destructive presence known in your life, I hope you can find moments of joy regardless. And I hope that you are able to banish the clouds and the subsequent darkness with light and hope.

You are not alone.

Thank you again to Robert (A 30 Minute Life) and Jen (Tripping Through Treacle) for nominating me for this incredibly uplifting and inspiring quote challenge! The written word has the power to uplift and inspire, and can help us to remain resilient during the darkest times. This challenge is a perfect chance to remind me of so many of the beautiful quotes that can help to turn on the light when times are darkest.

The rules of this challenge are as follows:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Post a quote for 3 consecutive days (1 quote for each day)
  • Share why this quote appeals to you
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day

And the final quote for this challenge is:

[Tweet “Everyday may not be good, but there’s something good in every day”]

The quote again is one of my favourites and one I am continually reminding myself of, on the many rough days that I experience because of chronic illness and chronic pain, the two constant companions in my life.  On these dreadful days, days where we are unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is easy to forget the many pleasant things that make up our life away from constant illness and pain.

At the end of these crummy days, it is so easy just to write off this day as terrible but in my experience, our days are never just wholly bad or good.  There is always something to be thankful, every day there is something good, as small as it may be, in every single day, no matter how horrendous we may have felt.

That is why the above quote appeals to me and is vital in my everyday life; it makes me appreciate the small, amazing moments in my life amidst even the bad.

My nominees for today are:

Thank you so much again to Robert (A 30 Minute Life) and Jen (Tripping Through Treacle) for both nominating me for this quote challenge! The written word has the power to uplift and inspire, and can help us to remain resilient during the darkest times. This challenge is a perfect chance to remind me of so many of the beautiful quotes that can help to turn on the light when times are darkest.

The rules of this challenge are as follow:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Post a quote for 3 consecutive days (1 quote for each day)
  • Share why this quote appeals to you
  • Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day

Today’s quote:

[Tweet “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”]

This quote immediately came to me, especially after sharing an old post that I wrote two years ago.  We have all been in the position in which other people have hurt us, either by their actions or by their words.  When living with a chronic illness, there are many ways in which I and others who’ve been hurt by the actions or words of other people.

One such example is by being ostracised or excluded from social engagements, and although many of these many instances may not be intentional, it doesn’t nevertheless lessen the hurt. When our conditions are invisible, many people may even doubt your illness, which when you continuously suffer from debilitating symptoms, it can hurt even more than any symptom can.  But, just as the quote above states, those who matter are the ones who believe us even when every test fails to provide any answers.  The ones who matter are those who are always there for us whenever we need a shoulder to cry on, in need of help around the house or need groceries or other essentials we’re unable to get ourselves.

Those who doubt us exclude us or hurts us don’t matter, and we should only concern ourselves who do.

And my nominees for today are:

All of us will have situations or places that we find difficult; situations that push us emotionally, revealing the depths of our strength and ability to cope with high-stress situations.

Add living with a chronic illness into the mix, and the number of situations or places that we find demanding increase exponentially.  The reasons for the difficulties these places or situations may vary, for some it may be the fear of the ‘unknown’ for example, or even they are a potential trigger for symptoms associated with the condition.  What are some of the places or situations that you find uncomfortable or challenging because of your chronic illness?

One such place for me (could also be classed as a situation too) is the cinema. Especially those large multiplex cinemas that have become so popular, and killing off the small, independent theatres that I prefer.  With its high ceilings, fluorescent lighting and the wide open spaces in their foyers are an enemy to the dizziness and vertigo that accompanies the neurological condition in which I live.

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The Multiplex Cinema – a great enemy of vertigo!

However, with the recent release of the Disney film ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and my intense desire to see it, as the original animated version is one of my all-time favourite films! Which meant that I would have to face the demon that has become the multiplex cinema.

The chain in question is Showcase Cinema, and although in the past I have managed visits to a cinema much further away from where we live, I had decided to try the nearer cinema as yes, it is much closer, but also is more convenient for my needs as a person with mobility problems.

Unlike the cinema, I had visited a few times over the past couple of years; the Showcase is flat and on one level, so no stairs required which are good news for my severely trembling legs.

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Beauty and the Beast. Photo from Disney

The excitement of seeing the film, especially after reading the many fantastic reviews that followed was mixed with trepidation at the knowledge that it would be challenging for the dizziness and vertigo as well as the difficulties that my brain has processing all the visual information.  A couple of times, our plans at going were sadly postponed due to the severity of the pain in legs; pain that left me crying for much of the night and early hours of the morning.

[Tweet “A saying that encapsulates living with chronic illness is “We plan and our bodies laugh.””]

Plans were made to go on a different day, and although the pain was not as severe as before, it was still pretty bad, as well as feeling off kilter.  But then I realised, that there would be no ‘perfect’ day to go and see the film without any accompanying symptoms.

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“People plan, and God laughs”, or the Spoonie equivalent is “We plan, and our bodies laugh!”

If I was going to wait for that one ‘perfect’ day then sadly I might be waiting an extremely long time, or if that perfect day would ever arrive.

As I have mentioned previously, the only predictable thing about living with a chronic illness is the inevitable unpredictability.  The unpredictability that makes scheduling plans so much harder as there is no way of predicting how you will be feeling or what your abilities will look like on any given day.  Then there is the anxiety that symptoms will present themselves when we are out, leaving us in pain and feeling sick when we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves.

[Tweet “The only predictable thing about living with a chronic illness is the inevitable unpredictability.”]

As a result, despite the pain, fatigue, and dizziness I made the decision to brave the cinema anyway.  The symptoms are constantly with me, so I figured that there would be no perfect, symptom-free day to go and face the cinema.  To not go, would be letting my condition win, and this neurological condition has taken enough for me, so why should I let it take away my love for films too?

Despite the positive mindset, I still felt nervous and unsure, but as I went through my handbag, making sure I had everything to take with me, I found a great quote from the Itty Bitty Book Company:
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I did it! I refused to let my condition rule my life, and despite whatever the dizziness and vertigo threw at me I persevered and managed to stay and watch the entire film (which was brilliant and visually beautiful).  It’s strange the strength we have to endure such symptoms and the ability to stay in those situations which are also our triggers juxtaposed with our feelings of weakness.  But one of the reasons why I wanted to share this was to remind everyone struggling with symptoms and living with chronic illness that we are stronger than our conditions.  Our perseverance and tenacity are bigger than our symptoms.  As the above quote reminds us, we can do this (whatever this proves to be).

Sitting there amongst the rest of the audience, I had moments however of feeling entirely alone.  Consumed by feelings of dizziness, and the effects of vertigo while everyone else, including those with me, made me feel alone and isolated, serving me a reminder of how different I am compared to everyone else as well as the tremendous impact that living with a neurological condition has on every facet of our lives.  But again, thanks to the power of social media I realised that I am not alone.  The situations and places that we find difficult and the symptoms they evoke may look different for each of us, but the emotions and feelings they invoke are the same.
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But from going, I also learned some lessons that may help me in future visits, for example, I may need to sit higher up in the movie auditorium as I found that to see the screen properly I had to tip my head back which can be a trigger for vertigo.  Therefore, by sitting further back, I will be in the direct eye line of the screen.  Coping strategies are also needed when facing situations that can trigger symptoms, so it is imperative to find what helps you no matter how silly it may seem to everyone else.

Why I found that inner strength to decide on going to the multiplex cinema, which only leaves me feeling dizzy and nauseous is also perhaps to a new level of acceptance that I have developed since being diagnosed with a neurological condition.

Acceptance which allows me to live alongside my condition and its accompanying symptoms instead of running away and avoiding those situations that trigger the onset of my symptoms.
Now that I faced that of what I was avoiding, I am determined to go again and again and recapture my love of cinema and film.  I am taking back control of my life, playing by my rules and not that of the neurological condition I live with, but which doesn’t have me.

[Tweet “Chronic Illness is something that I live with, but which doesn’t have me.”]

I hope that you too find the strength and courage to face something that you might have stopped doing.

I know you can do it!
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