Being A Prisoner to Illness

Loneliness. Isolation. Solitude.  Three words that I would describe life with a neurological disorder. Excluding words, of course, associated with the symptoms that accompany said condition. You become a prisoner to chronic illness; a prisoner in your own body.

Not fitting in

"Loneliness. Isolation. Solitude.  Three words that I would describe life with chronic illness." Share on X

Having experienced symptoms from a young age, I have always felt like I’ve never fitted in anywhere. Like Belle, from ‘Beauty and the Beast’ I have always felt that others think of me as odd and different. Both Belle and the Beast are outsiders in the movie, both harbouring feelings of loneliness and it is this that I have resonated with over the years.

Often, I feel that I don’t fit in with my own family; a jigsaw piece that doesn’t fit in with the incomplete puzzle. Of course, I have had made friends, but just like the seasons, they have come and gone. So-called friends bullied or ostracised me. They were unable to understand my unusual ‘quirks.’ Rejection is something that I have dealt with over the years and perhaps is the reason why I find it so hard to trust people and remain protective of my heart, keeping people at a safe distance.

The Limiting of Symptoms

It’s difficult living with a neurological condition that affects your perception of the world. Some places like those with high ceilings or fluorescent lighting can be difficult for me to cope with, including cinemas and large shopping malls. Because of this, over the years I have had to decline invitations to such places to avoid the triggers that provoke the onset of my symptoms.

It seems that if you decline invitations on several occasions, you become a social pariah and such invites become no longer offered. And that hurts because it’s not that we don’t want to go on trips to the cinema or go shopping with friends, but symptoms of our health condition, unfortunately, limit us.

Feeling pushed out and neglected because of symptoms of chronic illness

We want to feel included, invited to events even if we aren’t always able to attend. Our anthem song has slowly become ‘All By Myself,’ and the lyrics “I think of all the friends I’ve known/But when I dial the telephone/Nobody’s home” has never felt so apt.

I feel limited by my condition. The dizziness is so disabling that it leaves me disorientated and confused. Trembling in the legs so severe that I have no idea when they are going to give away and unable to go out without somebody with me. And as I usually only go out with either my parents or my carer, it can make meeting new people extremely challenging. As such, I spend the majority of my days inside the same four walls.

Prisoner to Chronic Illness

Living with a chronic illness can often feel like living in prison; imprisoned by debilitating symptoms which are so constant that they have become a part of everyday life. Debilitating symptoms that keep us chained to our homes, often even just our bedrooms.

"Living with a chronic illness can often feel like living in prison; imprisoned by debilitating symptoms which are so constant that they have become a part of everyday life." Share on X

During our first cruise, due to the severity of symptoms, much of the holiday was spent inside the cabin. Unable to even get out once off the ship to enjoy the surroundings that the beautiful countries had to offer.

And as much as I wanted to persist and visit the places our holiday had to offer.  As much as I would like to get out of my ‘prison’ and participate fully in life, it is incredibly difficult.  It feels as though I am being held hostage by the myriad of symptoms that accompany chronic illness.

At other times, it is not being held hostage by symptoms that keep me prisoner but rather the lack of opportunity.

Others may assume that I am forced to decline invitations due to ill health, or otherwise forgotten. But whatever the reason I’m once again excluded, ostracised. Even in the darkest times, experiencing the extreme depths of loneliness and isolation, I crave the company of others. The companionship of others who I don’t live with and already regularly see!

Finding Companionship Amongst Solitude

Amidst the constant solitude, we are forced to find companionship amongst books. Whenever I reread ‘Little Women,’ it is like saying hello again to an old friend. Failing that, on some of our worst days, then it is our favourite TV shows that help keep us company. Netflix is a welcome distraction from the silence and solitude that surround us.

You then have to endure seeing photographic evidence of parties and gatherings that you seemingly have been excluded. Little by little, it chips away at the self-confidence that living with chronic illness has already eroded. Amid the times where you manage to get out of the house, you feel awkward and unsure during social situations. After being stuck inside the house for so long, it seems that we have forgotten how to converse.

"Netflix is a welcome distraction from the silence and solitude that surround us." Share on X

The vast community that exists of fellow warriors, helps with the isolation that living with chronic illness can bring. The friendships with others who can relate to what you are going through can bring welcome light into the darkness. At last making, you feel less alone in the world.

It is these relationships which help loosen the shackles. And which can help release you from the prison that living with a chronic illness has built.

"Social media helps with the loneliness and isolation that chronic illness can bring." Share on X

Who else can relate? What do you do to get out of your personal ‘prison’?

I am so sorry if you can relate, and that loneliness and isolation is a regular part of your life. But remember that you are not alone. Feel free to comment below, or connect with me on social media (links at the top of the page).