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Living with a neurological can be difficult – at times, it can be bearable, with symptoms although always present, they are however manageable.

At other times, however, symptoms are out of control; life feels as if you are on a battlefield –  your condition and its symptoms are at war with your brain and the rest of your body.

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During recent times, my experience living with a neurological condition has been the latter – with symptoms becoming out of control, and everything being a struggle.

I think that what has been particularly tricky recently is because all the symptoms that I experience are out of control all at once.  The dizziness has yet again been very severe, which has left me feeling incredibly nauseous a lot of the time.  And not forgetting the severe trembling and pain in the legs, oh and not ignoring the terrible fatigue; hampered by episodes of insomnia.

Of course, it is not pleasant when even one symptom is out of control but is at least a lot more manageable dealing with one such symptom than several symptoms at once.

So, how do we cope when our conditions are out of control?   How do we deal when we feel at war with your own body?

I have learned that often we need to hold on.  Hold on until it passes.

As I would like to believe all bad times, whether it be because of a neurological condition, another chronic illness, bereavement or even a break-up, passes with time; just as clouds pass over to reveal bright, beautiful sunshine.

I choose to hold on to hope – the hope that it will pass.

[Tweet “I have learned that often we need to hold on. Hold on until it passes.”]

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Choose Hope! My lovely badge from the wonderful Itty Bitty Book Company

But just as much as we need to hold on – hold on to the hope that it will get better; those symptoms will improve given time, we also need to let go.

To let go of everything that we cannot change.

As much as I realise that we should let go of the worry and sadness of things we cannot control; I understand that it is often easier said than done.  I admit that I find it difficult at times, and find myself getting upset with what I cannot do or find challenging as a result of the neurological condition.  However, I try my best to keep the negative thoughts to a minimum and attempt to see the silver lining in the particular situation (e.g., not being able to get out of bed).  I mean, who doesn’t love an excuse to have a PJ day and watch films all day?!) and accept that this is my reality.

[Tweet “We often need to accept the reality of our chronic illness and let go of things we cannot control.”]

There are certain aspects of my condition that I cannot control, such as the symptoms and the effects that these symptoms have on my life.  I do have control, however, on how I choose to deal with the condition.  It is not easy, however, especially when the symptoms are very severe. The way that I choose to deal with this illness is through my writing and sharing my experiences with others, volunteering for great causes, reading books, laughing and talking with friends, and watching my favourite films and television programmes.  Those are some of the activities that I do to make me happy and help me forget that I am a person living with a neurological condition as well as distracting myself from the symptoms that haunt my life every day if even it is for a short time.

[Tweet “There are aspects of chronic illness that we cannot control, but we can control how we deal with it.”]

So, to help me cope with living with a neurological condition, I both hold on and let go!  I hold onto the positives and let go of everything which I cannot control.  How do you cope with the bad times and dealing with a life-long illness? How do you hold on or let go when life is difficult?

 

 

 

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Remember, Alice in Wonderland when she fell down the rabbit hole and found herself in a different world?  Well, recently that has felt like my life.  Except, that instead of finding myself in a world filled with the Cheshire Cat, the White Rabbit and the Mad Hatter; I have instead found myself stuck in world of pain, dizziness, depression, falls and loss of feeling in legs.

No, recently it has not been a happy time, and one of the reasons why I haven’t updated the blog for a while.  Writing in the midst of pain and depression has proved too difficult.  I think, i have also not wanted to wrote about the tough times, as I often worry about sounding too negative and self-absorbed.  However, a good friend recently reminded me that a blog about living with chronic illness should document the bad days as well as the more positive posts.  To keep a blog is to be truthful and to be reflective of life; and life for everyone has its ups and downs, especially when you factor a chronic illness into the equation of life.

The depression crept up on me out of the blue.  I suppose, it wasn’t a surprise that the depression has reappeared; it is only natural, when living with severe and debilitating symptoms for so long,  And the symptoms that have been severe lately has not just been the older symptoms such as the dizziness and weakness in the legs, but the newer symptoms have also been problematic.  Before now, I had only experienced short periods where I have lost all sensation in my legs.  Recently, however the periods with no sensation in my legs, have become much longer; lasting all day even.  For me, it feels so strange and unnerving to feel no sensation, and means that walking is much more difficult as you really need to concentrate and look to where my legs are – and walking become a lot slower than normal!

It was due to the loss of sensation which led to a very bad fall down the stairs, the other evening.  Typical, that I has alone for the night when it happened, having no one around to help me.  Luckily, the fall didn’t result in any broken bones or other significant injuries – just a lot of bruises and a cut on my leg.  The only casualty from the fall, was my Kindle, which now is broken and in need of replacing.  This really upset me, probably more than it would have, if not for the depression.  As many of you know, I have a love of reading, and my Kindle was a lifeline for me on the days where I am unable to get out of bed as it allowed me access to books when I am unable to go to my book shelves.

The casualty from my tumble down the stairs...
The casualty from my fall down the stairs…

However, as the loss of feeling in my legs ended; the feeling coming back, it only resulted in pain, and after the fall, pain like I have never experienced before.

The constant battles with the dizziness and depression; and the battle between pain and loss of sensation in my legs have really thrown me down the vortex and transforming the world that I thought I knew.  But, life with chronic illness can be like that; symptoms disappear and replaced with new ones.  It’s a world that keeps changing.  But hopefully, perhaps one day I can fall down a vortex that leads to my very own Wonderland…

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Winter is a miserable season for everybody.  It’s cold, wet and the mornings are dark and depressing, and the dark descends upon us far too easily in the evenings.  For those battling with chronic illness, it can be even more miserable; with the cold affecting pain and fatigue levels.  And of course, Winter, and the darkness that comes with it, can cause Seasonal Affective Disorder; a type of depression that occurs during the Winter months and is thought to be linked to reduced exposure to sunlight.

For me, the Winter months, and particularly living here in the UK, affects the amount of pain I experience.  I find that the very cold weather, which unfortunately we are prone to here.  This year has been particularly bad, with a lot of rain and the bitter cold, which has resulted in me being in a lot of pain whilst out with my carer, especially when needing the wheelchair.  In order to help with this I really believe in layers, and especially thermal trousers and a top to protect your body from the cold.  As I experience bad pain due to my neurological condition, particularly in my legs, I therefore never leave the house without a pair of thermal trousers on to protect them from the cold, and to lessen the likelihood of experiencing severe pain.  Also, as many people have told me throughout my life, it is much better to stay warm and remove layers than it is to have one very thick layer on.  This is particularly helpful also, when shopping, as most stores become very warm, so is very helpful to be able to remove layers.  This year, as the pain has been worse, I have also tried to spend time out of the wheelchair when out shopping; as moving about is important to keeping warm, and so thought perhaps using the wheelchair was exacerbating the level of pain and fatigue that I have been experiencing.

Also, another necessity for going out and about during the winter months is to keep your hands and feet warm, with thick socks, gloves, as well as ensuring to wear an appropriate winter coat, hat and scarf.  Especially important when living with chronic illness

Of course, when suffering a chronic illness and living with it everyday, with symptoms constantly making themselves known, a lot of time is spent indoors.  During the winter months, it can be a good thing when the weather outside is awful!  I like nothing better when it is very cold than to wrap myself in a lovely thick blanket and curl up with a lovely hot mug of hot chocolate with a good book or even watch a film on Netflix or from my vast DVD collection.  I think this can also be a good tactic when dealing with the winter blues – think of all the things that you are able to enjoy whilst inside the house, whilst protecting yourself from the cold and rain (and perhaps even snow!) and bask in the enjoyment of being able to appreciate the little things that you can enjoy, such as watching favourite films or TV programmes, or even get around to reading that book you have wanted to read for ages.

 

Staying indoors because of the weather doesn't have to be SAD - it can provide opportunities to enjoy a good book or film whilst wrapping up with a warm blanket!
Staying indoors because of the weather doesn’t have to be SAD – it can provide opportunities to enjoy a good book or film whilst wrapping up with a warm blanket!

In order to alleviate the amount of pain and fatigue that I have been experiencing, I have decided to start moving more and start a new exercise regime!  Exercise releases endorphins which helps to release those feel-good chemicals in the brain and so thought that it would help to alleviate the winter blues that can occur during this time of year.  However, exercise for me is difficult due to my mobility problems, and which regular gyms are not suitable.  Instead, I have found a gym that is perfect for those with chronic conditions such as mine as the machines are power assisted and so moves your body for you.  It is even perfect for those without health problems as he machines can be used actively, whereby you can resist against the movements, giving an increased workout.  Once a week, I am also taking part in some Pilates, and although I have yet to see any benefits regarding the pain or strength in my legs, I am feeling more positive and seen an increase in my energy levels!  The Feel Good Factory certainly lives up to its name!

 

Exercise can really help alleviate those winter blues
Exercise can really help alleviate those winter blues

To find out more about the Feel Good Factory and the ShapeMaster equipment visit the website here

 

This post is for the February edition of the Patients for a Moment (PFAM) Blog Carnival which this month is being curated by Leslie of Getting Closer to Myself 

Hello to all my readers

Sorry that I have been quiet recently and a distinct lack of posts from me.  Recently, I have been struggling with fatigue, and as well as this have had several hospital appointments which follow the appointment with a consultant specialising in audiovestibular medicine.  For those who do not follow my blog, or who do not know what audiovestibular medicine is, it is a branch of medicine which specialises in the diagnoses, medical treatment and rehabilitation with disorders of hearing and balance.  Doctors who specialise in this area, concentrate on patients with a variety of different problems including dizziness, hearing loss, tinnitus, speech disorders and abnormalities in eye movements.

My first appointment with the registrar back in November, revealed a problem mentioned above.  He noticed that whilst following his pen with my eye, there was a slight delay with my movements which indicated a neurological problem.  The doctor referred me to have some balance tests conducted to determine whether the dizziness is due to a vestibular dysfunction (inner ear disease) or not.  Here is a video which outlines the VNG test:

The test, which happened a fortnight ago was not pleasant and afterwards the dizziness was worse.  Last week, I returned to the hospital for the results…

During the consultation last week, I was asked to perform a test was I was not able to perform the previous week during the VNG test.  This test is known as the Diz-Hallpike test and involves the patient lying on a table with the head hanging over the end of the table. The doctor will then turn your head 30° to 45°.  The doctor during the test will watch your eyes for involuntary eye movements known as nystagmus.   The timing and appearance of the vertigo and nystagmus determines whether the vertigo is caused by an inner ear disorder or the brain.

After completing this particular test, my parents and I were taken back to the consultant’s room and were unfortunately informed that an inner ear disorder have been completely ruled out, and that there were some abnormalities during some of the tests which indicated a  problem with the central nervous system, i.e. the brain.  We were also informed that there is little that can be done, and although they are sending me to a rehabilitation therapist to learn some exercises to try and ease the severity of the dizziness, the consultant was not confident that they would help.

This was obviously not the outcome that we were hoping for.  It is not the first time that I have been told my a medical profession that the dizziness is very likely caused by a neurological condition; and it is not the first time that it is not anything that they can do to treat the dizziness – however, every time that I hear these words, it is like hearing them for the first time, even after accepting them after a previous appointment.  In addition, after repeatedly hearing that the dizziness is a life-long symptom that I will have to deal with, a little part of me still gets extremely upset and despondent.  I have always realised that the dizziness is very likely a neurological problem, and very unlikely to go away but after having it confirmed after various hospital appointments is still feels as if the small glimmer of hope that is inside of me becomes extinguished after hearing those words again and again.

Living with the dizziness, is like living with a permanent shadow following and lurking behind me wherever I go.  Always present and ready to strike at anytime. The dizziness at present is constant, as well as being severe and at times debilitating and coming to the realisation that it is life-long is a hard concept to get my head around and even harder to accept.  There are a number of people that has told me to hold onto hope that there is someone out there who could help me and that there is something that can be done – however the question is; is it wise for someone with a chronic illness after being told that it is a life-long condition to hold onto hope that a cure is out there?  Is holding onto such hope, only going to lead to more heartache and upset? Is it best however, to accept the reality as it is, and move forward with your life as the best you can despite the limitations that the chronic illness places upon the life of the sufferer?  As Joseph Campbell said “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us”.  So, does keeping hold onto hope of some kind of cure, stops us from living the life that we may have not planned, but our new reality?

Do I go in hunt for a cure for the dizziness, which may not even be out there? Or do I simply learn to live and accept the dizziness as a constant part of my life.  It is very hard to accept that this dizziness may never go, and honestly it has really knocked my confidence on going out, but more importantly on going on our cruise in May.  If the dizziness is this severe then, how will I ever be able to enjoy myself?  Will I be able to cope with the dizziness whilst on holiday?  These are the questions that are currently running through my mind.

Simply losing hope but attempting acceptance…

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Yesterday, thanks to the wonders of WordPress, I discovered that it was my second anniversary of my very first blog post entitled ‘An introduction…‘.  After discovering that it was the second anniversary of the start of this blog I contemplated the changes that have happened since the publication of the first post of the blog.  Two years have passed and have now published approximately 225 blog posts since then as well as becoming active on social media, and also becoming involved in projects relating to chronic illness and neurological conditions.  However, on the discovery on my blogiversary it made me consider the past and the changes have occurred since the beginning of writing this blog.

Some of the changes have been good; such as the introduction of a couple of social groups that I now regularly attend; the discovery of a passion for card-making as well as the addition of a personal assistant in my life, which has greatly benefited myself as well as becoming less reliant on my parents.

However, there are also a number of changes that are not so good.  In looking over past blog posts, it made me realise how bad my condition has become.  I suppose, living with illness over a long period, you are not so aware of the changes until you contemplate the past and the reality of your condition as it was then; this could be in the form of looking at past photographs, or re-reading old blog posts or journal entries.  It is no secret, that I have been battling with dizziness since a young child, and although the dizziness was severe two years ago, it really has become so much worse since the start of the blog.

The problems with my legs has also worsened significantly worse since the beginning of ‘My Brain Lesion and Me‘.  At the start of this blogging journey, I had little problems with my legs; although they have always been stiff and had experience discomfort when walking, my mobility was not really affected.  Fast forward two years on, however, and my mobility has significantly worsened, progressing from needing to use a walking stick, to a crutch and now needing to use a wheelchair. And these two years has also seen the introduction of severe trembling in the legs, constant pain and now I have even been experiencing episodes of loss of sensation in them.

However, I am unable to change the past or the present of living with my condition, and it looks like I may have little control on the future.  I am hoping for more information at the end of the month after several more hospital appointments, although I trying not to raise my hopes too high, in case of disappointment.  For now, I will just have to live in the present and attempt to keep positive; to keep writing about my experiences of living with a neurological condition and to live the best life that I possibly can…

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Who knows what the next two years will bring?…

 

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