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long-standing brain stem lesion

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How does the old saying adage go?  What a difference a year makes. And, my recent experiences can only substantiate this.

Regular readers of the blog will remember that last year, I experienced my very first cruise and that unfortunately, it did not go as well as my parents and I had hoped.

The symptoms associated with this neurological condition were consistently present and remarkably severe that it affected my enjoyment of the holiday and also left me unable to disembark the ship and see the beautiful places that I was so looking forward to visiting.

Fast forward a year (okay more like a year and a half), and I am back from yet another cruise! Why go on a cruise when the first one did not go well, I hear you ask.

Well, the large part of the reason why I decided to go another cruise, is that I refuse to let the neurological condition that I live with have any more control over my life than it already has.  I came across, a perfect quote that sums this up brilliantly; this quote says “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

And it is true, if we only stayed within the confines of our comfort zones then we would never know what we can be capable of, or what we can achieve when given a chance.

[Tweet “If we only stayed inside our comfort zone we would never learn what we are capable of.”]

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The symptoms that are as a result of the brain stem lesion already makes life difficult, for example, visiting certain types of places such as those with high ceilings and fluorescent lighting are very challenging for me as they increase the severity of symptoms such as dizziness and vertigo.

As a result, I do not wish for my condition to stop me from doing anything else that I want to do, including taking trips abroad.

Flying and therefore requiring to spend hours waiting in an airport would not be compatible with my symptoms so consequently, a cruise offers an alternative for me to be still able to travel. Furthermore, the rational side of me also realised that although I found the first cruise particularly difficult, it does not necessarily mean that I would have the same experience on future cruises.
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Back last year, just a few months after arriving back from the Mediterranean, my parents and I booked a second cruise with Royal Caribbean on their brand new ship Anthem of the Seas travelling this time around the Canary Islands (as well as stops in Spain and Portugal).  And I am so glad that I did!

This cruise went much better than the last one and even managed to get off the ship twice, leading to spending a few hours perusing the streets of Tenerife and Madeira.

The process of disembarking the ship and then having to find our way to wherever we wanted to visit was not easy especially giving the severity of the symptoms, but I still managed to push through and achieve something I did not think I could do.  To some, getting off at only two stops may not seem like much, but fellow spoonies would appreciate the enormity of this feat, especially when battling constant and unrelenting symptoms.

Anthem of the Seas is a fantastic and beautiful ship, and Royal Caribbean has seriously gone hi-tech.  Before embarking on the cruise, we bought an internet package, and was impressed with the speed of the bandwidth, enabling me to stream movies and television programmes on my iPad occupying my time when fatigue set in (which was a lot!.

The WOW factor did not stop there, however; all over the ship, there was amazing artwork to marvel at, often feeling like Alice landing in Wonderland.  What I love about Royal Caribbean, is the thought that has gone into the design of their ships; all public areas are fully accessible and have automatic doors making it easy for those in wheelchairs to be able to navigate their way around the boat unaided.

The food was also stunning and particularly loved having a wide variety of choice of where to have dinner.  We sampled the delights of the majority of the complimentary restaurants onboard but spent most nights dining in the American Icon Grill.  One night, however, we chose to pay extra and ate at Jamie’s Italian where the food was delicious and the staff attentive and friendly.

The highlight of the cruise for me, being a fan of Queen was seeing We Will Rock You, which was incredible and rivaled any West End show.  My Mum and I also paid extra to use the facilities in the spa, which included an aromatherapy steam room and sauna, as well as the use of hotbeds which not only did I find incredibly relaxing but also really helped ease the often excruciating pain in my legs.

Beautiful sunset
Beautiful sunset

Strange though isn’t it?  Last year, I was unable to get off the ship and generally found the whole cruise experience extremely difficult.

A year on, however, and despite my symptoms not improving in that time I found this holiday much more comfortable, even managing to push the boundaries of my comfort zone.

Why is this? Perhaps the reason is that during the past since the first cruise I have managed to push myself further, expanding the perimeter of the small world that my neurological condition has forced me inside.  Examples include conquering going to the cinema, a pastime that I used to love but is now extremely difficult for me as a result of my severe and unrelenting symptoms and as a result started to avoid.  By pushing myself to go to places and placing myself into situations that increase the severity of my symptoms, and achieving staying in them, reinforces the belief that I am stronger than my condition and can get through stressful situations.

[Tweet “By going beyond our comfort zones shows us that we are stronger than our illness has us believe.”]

Or perhaps I have reached a new, deeper stage of acceptance.

Accepted the reality of the diagnosis of a long-term neurological condition  – that is not to say that I have given up and surrendered to the disorder but rather let myself go of the suffering that came from continuously fighting against the symptoms and the hold that they had over my life.  I have accepted that I will always have difficulty with certain situations and the majority of things will not be easy for me, but what I can control is my reaction to them, and by doing so I can learn to be in control of my symptoms instead of them controlling me.

[Tweet “Acceptance has helped me learn to be in control of my symptoms instead of them controlling me.”]

Believe. Love, Live, Dream, Inspire - some positive words advice from Royal Caribbean
Believe. Love, Live, Dream, Inspire – some positive words advice from Royal Caribbean

In the end, I had to accept the reality of the symptoms; accept the long-term presence of them in my life.  And by doing so, I no longer fought the presence of the symptoms but acknowledged their present existence at that moment.  I have freed myself from the prison of fighting against the symptoms, and avoiding certain places and situations has placed me in.

By accepting the reality of life with a long-term condition surprisingly made it easier to cope with the symptoms and all of the ups and downs as a result of living with a chronic illness.  I was able to find little coping strategies that helped minimise the effect of the symptoms and help me stay in control of the symptoms rather than the symptoms controlling my life.

Of course, there are days when it feels that the symptoms still have control over my life but by accepting the reality of life with chronic illness, getting through the bad days is easier than before.

Above all, going on holiday on the cruise of a lifetime has made me realise that being diagnosed with a chronic illness, or disability does not spell the end of our lives or even our dreams.

Yes, perhaps the route to which we can reach our goals and dreams may have to change, but we can still reach that final destination.  Chronic illness should not mean the end our dreams; we can still follow them if we took a leap of faith.

[Tweet “We can still achieve our dreams and ambitions if only we took a leap of faith.”]

It is this realisation that I came to while on holiday – if I took the easy option and decided not to go on the cruise then I would never realise the strength and control that I can have over FND and its symptoms.  And if it weren’t for that, then I would never have the opportunity to visit a country that I have wanted to for so long – Norway!

Yes, we have booked yet another cruise for next year to the beautiful and amazing country that is Norway.  And this trip I can look forward to with excitement and positivity instead of anxiety and trepidation.

So all of you reading this – don’t give up on your dreams, believe me, you can still achieve them despite the challenges in your way.

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Welcome to the eighteenth day of the National Health Blog Post Month Challenge hosted by WEGO Health.   Every day during the month of November I will be writing a new blog post related to health and living with a chronic illness based on given prompts provided by WEGO Health.

Today’s prompt reads:

Three Truths and a Lie: Tell us three things that are true about you, your condition, your Health Activism, or your life.  Now tell us a lie.  Do you think we will be able to tell the difference?

 

So, you think you know my health condition?  Let’s see!  Can you spot the incorrect statement from the four statements below?

  1. The dizziness that I experience is constant
  2. The spastic paraparesis only affects my legs
  3. Both hot and cold weather affects my legs
  4. The vertigo is triggered by visual disturbances

Do you know which is the incorrect statement?  Choose which one you think the wrong statement is in the poll below and I will reveal the answer tomorrow!

 

 

This post is for the ‘Patients for a Moment Blog Carnival’ hosted by Leslie at ‘Getting Closer to Myself‘.

This month’s theme is Social Media and illness, with which there are two parts!  The first part is to describe our illness using just 140 characters; just as if we were using Twitter to do so.  This could just be one statement characterising the illness experience, or a series of statements of 140 characters.

The second part of the challenge asks us to describe how social media has personally impacted our illness experience.

So, how can I describe my condition just using 140 characters?  Well, this could be extremely challenging giving the complexity and the unrecognised nature of my illness.  But here it goes…

Neurological condition affecting the brainstem. The effects include constant dizziness, vertigo and spastic paraparesis affecting the legs

The first part is self-explanatory, obviously the illness that I live with is a result of a neurological condition, known as a long-standing brain-stem lesion.  The lesion is scarring of the brainstem, possibly as a result of a head injury of birth, although as it was diagnosed years later, the exact cause of the lesion is unknown.  The effects that I listed are the main symptoms that I experience as a result of the neurological condition.  As the statement suggests this include the constant dizziness (feeling as if my world is unbalanced), vertigo (as if the world around me is spinning).  The spastic paraparesis is another symptoms that is troublesome to my daily life.  It affects primarily the legs as suggested by the above statement.  It causes stiffness and weakness of the legs which makes it uncomfortable and at times very difficult to walk.  Often due to the weakness, it can cause my legs to suddenly give way from under me.  Recently, I have been battling severe trembling in the legs, a jelly-like feeling in my legs, which above all is extremely uncomfortable and leaves me unable to stand for long.  Of course, there are other symptoms that I experience such as nausea, neuropathic pain and fatigue.

Are you able to describe your condition in 140 characters?  Give it a try!

 

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To the second part, then!  How has social media impacted my illness experience?  For starters, the impact upon my illness experience is mainly positive.  Social media, not only allows patients to connect with others and share their stories and experiences, it also allows patients to raise awareness of their particular chronic illness, and share with others what it is like to live with illness every day, and everything that goes with it, for example, I often tweet via Twitter on how I am feeling, and attempt to write how the symptoms affect me and what it is like to live with them.  Not only is social media fantastic and advocating and raising awareness of illness, but it is great to connect with others, particularly when we are experiencing a flare or relapse, and gain support from other patients in similar circumstances.  It provides camaraderie for those experiencing chronic illness, like myself.

Think about when you are ill in bed, it often involves being stuck in bed, alone whilst everyone else is busy living their lives.  Asa  result, it often leaves you feel lonely and isolated, right?  Think if illness was a regular part of your life; being stuck in bed, lonely in your bedroom with no company was a regular part of your routine.  That feeling of loneliness and isolation is also a regular part of your life, however Twitter and other forms of social media, provides patients with chronic illness a perfect tonic, as it allows to converse with other people even when in bed via new technologies such as smartphones and tablets.

It provides entertainment and diversion from illness.   Often, when I am bed bound due to the extreme weakness in my legs, or due to severe dizziness, I am very grateful for the supportive messages that I receive on Twitter from other chronically ill patients and friends; they really brighten the day, and also reminds me that I am not alone on the journey through illness.  Social media provides real-life perspectives on illness, and besides the entertainment and social aspects, perhaps the most valuable features of such sites is it’s a place free from judgement and stimatisation that many experience in the real-world, as well as educating others about particular medical conditions in order to tackle the problem of stigma .

 

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Welcome to the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge brought together by WEGO Health – a social network for all health activists.  Again, I am participating in the annual Writer’s Month Challenge in which I will be writing about my health activism and health condition based upon prompts given.

Today’s prompt reads as follows:

Write a letter to your condition – what do you want to get off your chest? 

Unfortunately, today I am feeling particularly unwell, and am not feeling up to writing.  So, instead I have decided to republish an older post, which was along the same line as today’s post, which asked us to write a letter to our condition.

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Dear brain lesion,

I am not sure quite what to say to you, as I have never written a letter like this before but I will try my best.

I find you very odd; I experience so many fluctuations in my condition – how I feel, and the severity in which I experience the symptoms that you cause me.  These fluctuations not only change day by day, but can also change hour from hour, or even minute by minute!!  And it’s these fluctuations that stops me from leading a normal life. This condition does not allow me the ability to make plans for nights out with friends, or holidays or full days out, as I never know how I will feel on that particular day, or even I am having a rare ‘good’ day, I have no knowledge whether it will remain that way, or if I will be taken ill sometime during the trip.  

Living with you day-to-day is hard, and it’s particularly hard when questions are raised by others about you.  You are rare, and not understood, even doctors can be baffled by you.  This then causes the mammoth task of trying to explain you – what you are, how you affect me and so on.  I would wish no chronic illness on anyone, but one which is especially difficult as you are is particularly hard to deal with.  The loneliness and isolation that you cause, can often be overwhelming; no one can understand exactly how I feel, or what it is exactly like living with you.  There are no support groups for people like me, living with you, no friends who I can call on when times are tough and I really need to vent; I have several confidantes – some online, some I can see in real life, but still no one that can just get ‘you’ and how you treat me; how you affect me.

I have lived with you for so many years now; many of those years I did not even know of your existence.  Now, you are constantly making your presence felt, like a loud, harsh scream being blasted in my ear.  Every turn I make, you are their, like a shadow; a dark figure lurking, waiting.  And then within a blink of an eye, my legs will give out; lying on the ground, unable to get up due to the weakness in the legs.  You causing embarrassment; you causing injuries and pain.  The doctors tell me that there’s nothing that can be done – no treatments to help, no reigns that I can attach to keep you under control.  When I was diagnosed with you, at first there was relief – relief at knowing that there was a name for you; relief that finally I had validation from the doctors’ that you were very much real, and not in my head as it was often claimed.  Then, I have felt despair; despair at realising that there was nothing anyone could do to treat eliminate you from life.  It was like being blindfolded and then left in the middle in the centre of a garden maze where I am expected to find the exit without any guidance and without the ability to see exactly where I was going.

You have made me your victim, from something that I cannot escape.  Never will I escape you; you live deep within me, deep within my brain, there will you be there forever.  But I will not let you win, I will not let you beat me, and I will be happy despite you, that I am determined of.  Because of you, I have found inner strength, have found things that I am good at, and have found ways in which I can help others and participate in social activities and pastimes. Despite you, I have found friends whom I can talk to and despite the problems you cause, they like me for who I am, and look beyond my imperfections.

I may not be able to beat you, but because of you, I am stronger than I have realised; have made me aware that I can overcome certain obstacles and overcome challenges that come within my path.  And I will not let you beat me – all the obstacles and challenges that you present , I will overcome; find my own path into achieving everything that I wish to.  I am hoping to go on holiday, possibly on a cruise, and I am determined not to let you beat me – I will have a good time despite you. 

And for that I thank you.

Rhiann x

 

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Welcome to the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge brought together by WEGO Health – a social network for all health activists.  Again, I am participating in the annual Writer’s Month Challenge in which I will be writing about my health activism and health condition based upon prompts given.

Today’s prompt is as follows:

Introduce your condition(s) to other Health Activists.  What are 5 things you want them to know about your condition/your activism 

For you all that are new to the blog and therefore to me – Welcome!  My name is Rhiann and I am 27 years old living in a small town within South Wales (UK).  The conditions which I live are a long-standing brain stem lesion and spastic paraparesis.  Both are as a result of damage to the brain, in which I suffered at birth (or so the doctor thinks) however I was not diagnosed until I was 24!

The brain-stem lesion basically means that there is scarring on the brain stem.  As a result of this, I live with constant dizziness with which I have suffered since I was approximately 8 years old, although it may have been before this age.  As well as the constant dizziness, I also have episodes of vertigo (spinning sensations) and visual disturbances.  The spastic paraparesis is connected with the brain stem lesion, and causes stiffness and weakness in the legs, and neuropathic pain.  The difficulties I experience with my legs can result in a lot of falls, especially as they often give way on me.  Lately, I have been experiencing episodic periods of numbness in my legs and cannot feel any sensation.

These are the 5 things that I would like to share with anyone new regarding my health condition/activism:

  1. My condition and the effects that it has on my life is for the most part invisible, and therefore it can be hard to accept that there is anything wrong.  But there is – and although the symptoms cannot be seen, they still have a huge impact upon my life and am unable to do a lot because of it 
  2. You are unable to compare one sufferer of a neurological to another – think of us all as snowflakes.  Like snowflakes, each case is unique as and it is possible that mot all patients will exhibit the same set of symptoms.  The types of symptoms and the severity of the symptoms both can vary widely from patient to patient.
  3. The condition is unpredictable – apart from the dizziness which is constant; many of the other symptoms can appear with no warning.  Added to this, I as the symptoms are unpredictable, I never know how I am going I am going to feel from day-to-day, sometimes even minute-to-minute.  Because of this it can be extremely difficult to make social plans with friends, as there is always a possibility that I will need to cancel
  4. Although symptoms can be unpredictable, I have however found that there are certain triggers that can exacerbate the severity of the symptoms.  These include fatigue (a major factor that can increase the likelihood of symptoms occurring), the common trigger – stress!  I have also found that the cold weather can really affect the spasticity in my legs, and so during the winter months I ensure that I really make sure my legs are warm when out, such as thermals underneath my clothes.  In contrast the very hot weather can also increase the severity of the spasticity and other symptoms, and during the summer I have to make sure I drink plenty and stay in the shade as much as possible.
  5. There is no treatment or cure for my condition, yes, I take some medications, but they are only to try and control the symptoms that I experience (although I have had little success with them).  The medications are for management of the symptoms rather than to treat the root cause – the damage has been done and unfortunately cannot be reversed.  Due to this, the condition is life-long, and at times can be disabling; there are times when my legs are so weak that I cannot get out of bed, or the dizziness is so bad that I am falling over the place, and so just need to lie down on my bed and rest.  The condition is also rare and so there is no real support for those like me (one of the reasons why I started the blog), and because the condition is such an enigma there is little research or literature on it, or no charity or organisation to provide support or advocacy – basically my condition is unknown.

In terms of my health activism I am on several different social networks.  You can find me on

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