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invisible fight

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Around two weeks, I made pre-arranged plans with my personal assistant to go to the cinema.

On the morning of the day of the arranged trip, I found that the symptoms that plague my everyday life were dialled up to the maximum volume on my personal symptom-o-metre.

On these days, I would usually cancel such plans and make the decision to go somewhere safe and familiar – surroundings where I feel comfortable no matter how bad I am feeling, and which are just as comforting as my own home.

Symptom-o-meter!! From mild angelic experience to severe, devil-like experience of them!
Symptom-o-meter!! From mild angelic experience to severe, devil-like experience of them!

On this day, however, I made the decision to make the journey to the retail park, which our regular cinema is attached, and see how the day was going to pan out.  I made the decision, not to make plans, but instead, if I made it to the cinema than great, however even if I wasn’t well enough to attend, I still had a lovely day away from home, browsing stores and boutiques and indulging myself with a special lunch.

The cinema, as expected did not happen thanks to the unrelenting symptoms that were severely afflicting me, particularly the trembling in my legs that did not allow me to walk around the entire retail complex.

At first, I was thoroughly disappointed in myself and the condition with which I live for wrecking my plans in the overly critical way that I often am in regards to myself.

Although at the time I felt that I lost the battle to my neurological condition, I have come to realise however that this is not the case.  I may not have made it to the cinema, but I did still manage to push through the severe and unrelenting symptoms that I was experiencing and go to a place that can often make me feel uncomfortable due to the size of the place which can often worsen the dizziness that is part of my chronic illness package.

Perhaps by winning certain battles in our lives with chronic illness we can find ways around certain problems to win the battle another time
Perhaps by winning certain battles in our lives with chronic illness, we can find ways around certain problems to win the battle another time

Chronic illness often wins many battles in our lives; however, it does not win all of the battles.  There are many battles that we win; many times we prize the triumph away from the hands of chronic illness and are victorious over defeat.

Think about the last very bad day you had due to chronic illness…

  • Did you still manage to get out of bed?
  •  Go for a shower?
  • Do small chores around the house?

If yes, then congratulations, you triumphed over your illness.

It’s a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.  We need to celebrate and appreciate these small accomplishments as just that – victories over our illnesses that already take so much from our lives, and accomplishing such feats can often feel that we are taking back some control that chronic illness can steal away.

That is partly the reason for choosing to go out when it would have been easier to stay within the confines of the four walls where I feel safe when the symptoms are it’s worse.  I did not want my neurological condition to control my life and dictate how I spend my time.  I want to enjoy life, and not feel that I merely surviving through life as a result of living with a neurological condition. I want to enjoy life and be happy instead of being stuck inside the same four walls with only my symptoms for company and hoping for better days ahead.

Furthermore, the triumphant day out also taught me that I am a lot stronger than I think I am; and that the symptoms do not have to have as much control as I often choose to give them.  That I am able to take risks and go to places that I did not think I could, as Ophelia says Shakespeare’s, Hamlet:

we know what we are, but know not what we may be

We know what our lives are with chronic illness and as an extension who we are because of it.  Perhaps we need to step out of the box that chronic illness imprisons us into to find out what our lives can be like, if and when we choose to take back control that illness removes from our lives.  Who we can be when we refuse to let illness have the main spotlight in our lives.

If we did, who knows where we may end up?
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Imagine walking down a busy street.  Look at the faces of the people walking past you in the street. Every one of those people will currently, or at some point in their history has faced a battle. One of them may be living with a battle that I currently face; a battle of living with an invisible illness.

Invisible Battles, Known Only To Those Fighting Them

Some of these battles may be visible, detectable to others, eliciting empathy and compassion.  Other conflicts, however, are invisible; concealed from everyone else, like a deeply hidden secret – a struggle known only by the person carrying the burden of the fight.

There are so many fights when living with an invisible illness
Be kind; for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

I am one of those people who is fighting an unseen, invisible fight.  If you were to see me, you would never know that I have a neurological condition — the only signs being when I am staggering along with my crutch.  Or on the days where weak legs confine me to the use of a wheelchair, even then I am met with stares silently asking why I need such aids.

"I am one of those people who is fighting an unseen, invisible fight—an invisible battle of living with an invisible illness." Share on X

For Me It is Not An Invisible Illness, It Is My Life

The personal fight I face as a result of my neurological condition although may not be visible to others, for me, however, is very real.  For me, it is not an invisible illness; it is my life.  Every step is a struggle, with legs trembling so much that it feels as if they will buckle, although no one can see.  For others, the world is still, unmoving.

The world in my experience, however, seems off-balance. As though everything is slightly tilted. At other times it seems as if there is constant motion.  Every day I fight against fatigue and for the ability to do everything that everyone often takes for granted. Such as being able to go shopping, take a shower or cook a meal for the family.

"For me, it is not an invisible illness; it is my life." Share on X
Living with an invisible illness is often a balancing act between surrendering to our symptoms and fighting against them
“Living with an invisible illness is often a balancing act between surrendering to our symptoms and fighting against them.”

Every day is a battleground between myself and my body.  Like with any battles in history, there are times I am forced to surrender. Such as those days when my legs are so weak. Or the dizziness so severe that I am unable to get out of bed.  The days I am forced to surrender to my condition and stay confined to my bed.  That’s the thing about living with a chronic illness; it is often a balancing act between surrendering to our symptoms and fighting against them.

"Every day is a battleground between myself and my body." Share on X

The Fight Against The Assumptions of Others

It is not just the symptoms that we have to fight.  We also have to fight against the judgements of other people regarding our long-term health conditions.  At the start of our chronic illness journey, people greet our new circumstances with understanding and compassion, friends and family make allowances for our limitations.  As time passes, however, the understanding and compassion dissipate, replaced with frustration.  Frustration at us still not being well enough to go out and take part in activities we used to before illness took over our lives.

The grievance at the chores still left untouched as illness still will not allow me to attend to them. My parents, although supportive and understanding will sometimes feel embittered at finding certain chores untouched. Some days have to be waived for a day on the sofa due to debilitating and unrelenting symptoms. And they are unaware of this as to look at me, you only see a healthy woman.

To Live With An Invisible Illness Instead of Surviving

It may seem that the neurological condition takes a significant amount of space in my life; it, however, does not own or control me.  Yes, it may borrow my life at times, restraining me to the four walls of this house I live in, but the condition does nor ever will take my entire life.  There are certain things that I am unable to do because of this condition. Particular baggage that it has created, but there are still plenty of other things that I can and have done that I can still do.

The Fight of Invisible Illness
A profound quote from Tangled!

This unseen condition may fight for control for every facet of my personal life.  Now, however, I have chosen to fight back. Although I have not won control for every area of my life, I have elected to manage aspects of my life that I do have control over.  I have chosen to live side by side with my condition instead of merely enduring life with it.

I choose to live rather than simply survive.

'Fight Song' is an empowering one for those living with invisible conditions
‘Fight Song’ is a song that is on my self-care playlist
"I have chosen to live side by side with my condition instead of merely enduring life with it." Share on X
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