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HAWMC Day 10: Dear 16-year-old-me

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Hello everyone, hope you are all doing well.  Well, time for a brand new post for the HAWMC Challenge by WEGO Health.  Today’s prompt reads as the following:

Dear 16 year-old-me…Write a letter to yourself at age 16.  What would you tell yourself? What would you make your younger self aware of?

It sounds so easy, but think it has been a real challenge even though it was only 10 years ago since I was 16.  I remember at the time it was a very painful and difficult time in my life, so the letter that I have written is very personal and isn’t easy to write, especially dredging up the emotions and feelings that I was feeling at the time…

Image: http://reshapecoach.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/write-a-letter-to-yourself/

Dear Rhiann,

It’s hard to believe but this letter is from ten years from now, the year is 2012, and the future you is writing this.  I know you are going through a very painful and difficult time in your life, having formally been diagnosed with depression, and having to start taking antidepressants a couple of days before your sweet sixteen.  Writing this, I remember how sick they made me feel for the first couple of weeks, only being able to eat very little before I felt full.  I also remember the incredible loneliness I felt back then, especially during school time having no friends and walking around in a daze, trying to pass the time until lessons started back after lunch.

But I want to reassure and to let you know that all these problems are ‘not just in your head and you are not crazy or a ‘freak’.  I am not able to say what is wrong, but the dizziness that you experience, you are not imagining it.  I know you feel that there is something wrong, the doctors telling you constantly it is anxiety related.  And you timid and compliant, are too afraid to tell them otherwise, thinking that they are the professionals, “so must know what they are talking about”, making you doubt yourself that the symptoms you are exhibiting are even real or they are not as real as you imagine.

But, remember doctors do not know everything.  As tests are coming back normal, and cannot find a cause for the dizziness, the doctors then explain it away by claiming that it is all psychological.  But it isn’t…Please do not give up and lose hope that they will never find out a cause, they do!   It may take several more years, but you do find out….

I cannot say it isn’t going to be easy, or that it’s going to get better and you are going to live a full and normal life, but I believe that you are stronger than you think you are…and you can handle a lot more than you think you can…

And the loneliness you feel – it will go away, you are going to find people who will accept you for who you are, friends that are going to support you in times of need.  I remember at sixteen being teased and ridiculed for who you – just remember that no-one has a right to make you feel that you need to apologise for who you are.  Don’t be ashamed to be yourself…

And just wanted to say – the heaviness and stiffness that you feel in your legs?  The feelings that have been with you, since you can remember?  Well, these feelings, they aren’t normal and isn’t something that everyone experiences…Maybe mention this at your next doctor’s appointment.

And good luck for your GCSE exams in a couple of months – not that you need it, you are going to do great.  Next stop will be your A-Levels, and then who know maybe even to University 😉

Take Care and remember to persevere with the doctors – never stop searching for an answer, and never let them tell you that’s all in your head.

From yourself (at aged 26)

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HAWMC Day 9: Keep calm and carry on…

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Well another day, which means a brand new post, still soldiering on with the WEGO Health  Activist Writer’s Month Challenge.  And today’s prompt is:

 Keep calm and carry on…Write (and create) your own Keep Calm and Carry On poster.  Can you make it about your condition? Then go to (http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/) and actually make an image to post to your blog.

First, I thought I would give you all a quick history of the (now) iconic ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ poster.  The poster was first designed in 1939 by the British Ministry of Information, intended to send a message to the British public in time of war, ‘to steel their resolve and boost their morale’.

However, while similar posters were found at the time across the country during World War II, the Keep Calm and Carry on posters were never used and were eventually forgotten about.

They were later rediscovered in 2000 at a second-hand bookstore in Northumberland called Barrier Books.  Since copyright on any works created by the British government expires after 50 years, the poster became known to the public, and the shop started selling reprinted copies of the poster.  Now, the poster is instantly recognisable and has since inspired countless products featuring the original poster as well as a number of parodies of it.

So, I have actually created two versions of the poster to reflect my condition:

I have chosen this image, as it is something that is constantly being said to be, particularly by my parents.  As, it has been previously mentioned, due to spastic paraparesis, my legs are considerably weak, often collapsing from under me.  As a result, I am unable to stand for long, and lately have been experiencing terrible trembling, or ‘jelly-like’ feeling in my legs.  When I am doing chores, or am standing up in the house I often stumble and fall, often being able to grab onto something so I don’t end up on the floor, and so my whomever I’m with, usually Mum tells me ‘to go and sit down’…

And the other poster I have created is the following:

With neurological conditions no one person will experience the exact same symptoms, as it depends on which part of the brain is affected as different parts of the brain is responsible for different functions.  Therefore, no two patients with neurological disorders are alike, just  like snowflakes…

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HAWMC Day 8: Best Conversation I had this week…

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Happy Easter Everyone!!  Hope you are all enjoying your Easter Eggs… Well, it’s now day 8 of WEGO Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge, which means a brand new post, and today’s prompt reads:

Best conversation I had this week…Try writing script-style (or with dialogue) today to recap an awesome conversation you had this week

Well, unfortunately, today I am not feeling well today, and am unable to vividly remember any conversation I had this week.  However, quite recently a very nice woman got in touch with me via a website that I am a member of, she recently moved into the area and was looking to meet new people.  Anyway, she first came to my house a few weeks ago, and last week we arranged to go out into our local town for lunch.  We were talking about my blog and she said something that stayed with me:

Your blog is a great idea, is a great way to educate people about your condition and you never who you are going to help by writing it.  Some person may read it, and having the same symptoms as you and go to the doctor’s with the information and get a diagnosis.

I have never really though about it that way, sure I wanted to educate people about my condition and to raise awareness of hidden disabilities in general.  But would be amazing to think that maybe someone could helped by my blog, especially as it took me years and years to get a definitive diagnosis, instead doctor’s telling me it was all down to anxiety and my problems ‘were in my head.’

It was also probably the best conversation I have had this week, as for one it wasn’t with one of my parents, who I spend most of my time with. And second of all, going out with someone and having a fun conversation enabled me to forget about my problems for a while, and just have some fun…

Anyway, I am going to keep this short for today, especially as I don’t feel well, so will see you all tomorrow…

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HAWMC Day 7: ‘In a Perfect World’…

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Hello Everyone, me again!  Time for Day 7 of WEGO Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge.  Today it is up to the Health Activist to choose what to write about.  So, I have decided to have a look at the bonus prompts that were given to us at the start of the challenge:

In a perfect world…Wrote about one thing you wish you could change.  It can be in your own life or the world at large.

So, I though I would choose ‘world peace’ but though that would be too obvious!

As my blog is about my daily struggles with my condition…I would obviously choose to change so that I would not have to endure the daily symptoms or the struggles that I have to face.

It would certainly make my life so much easier, I would be able to have so much more independence and would not be a burden on my parents or family.

I remember when I was younger, approximately 15 or 16 I was so excited and looking forward for the time when I would be able to start driving lessons.  I would imagine how exciting to would be to pass my driving test and then having my own car – being able to take myself off and going where I wanted, anytime I wanted.

In addition, after finishing my psychology degree, I originally wanted to work within the mental health sector, perhaps as a support worker for those suffering with psychological disorders.  However, in recent years emphasis has been placed on community care and away from hospitals.  Therefore, this means that the majority of jobs in the field require employees to visit people at home, and so is now a job that requires being able to drive or at least the ability to use public transportation.

However, due to the condition that I have – and the constant dizziness, as well as the unpredictability of the vertigo and visual disturbances that I experience, it means that I am not allowed to drive as it would be too dangerous for me to do so…and due to the spastic paraparesis, the weakness in my legs, and due to the fact that they very often give way with no warning and I am unable to stand for very long, would make it near impossible for me to be able to use public transportation and walk long distances to visit people in their homes.

Not having this condition, would also make it much easier to be able to make friends – and keep the ones I have made.  This condition, and the dizziness that I have endured for so many years, have made it so difficult to make and keep friends.  At school, I was often ostracised from my peers as many often thought I was strange.  And even at university when I did make friends, they have not stayed in contact, although I do not know the reason why, it more than likely is due to my condition due to the fact that the dizziness makes it very difficult for me to go out to places, such as large shopping centres or to nightclubs due to the way that they make me feel and how they can bring on episodes of vertigo.  Unfortunately, these places are incredibly popular with my age group and where most people my age want to go when going out with friends.

I have tried to make contact with those who I were closest to at university but none have made contact… So, it seems at the moment I lead a very lonely existence, sure I have my parents, but would be nice to be able to spend time with other people, or even people my own age.

It also incredibly difficult leading a normal life with the spastic paraparesis…especially as I am unable to stand for very long – no more than around 10 minutes,  This obviously causes a problem when thinking about going shopping, hence the reason why I still live at home, as Mum and Dad are able to do the majority of chores such as food shopping, and the like.  And if I do go out then I have to take regular breaks, such as going for a drink so am able to sit down – making it an expensive trip out!!

Also, causes a problem with being able to perform chores effectively – I have to regular breaks and sit downs when I have chores to do, making it take twice as long to do.

Therefore, I would choose to change the dizziness and spastic paraparesis so I would be able to live a normal and more to the point a life that I would want to live….

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HAWMC Day 6: Health Haiku

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It’s Good Friday, so I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter. I’s the 6th of April, so that means it’s the sixth post in the WEGO Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. Here is today’s prompt:

Health Haiku…Write a haiku about your health focus. 5 syllables/7 syllables/5 syllables. Write as many as you like!

I have to say, I was pretty nervous when I read the prompt. While I used to love to write poetry as a child, I haven’t done so in some years, and what’s more is I have never written a haiku before!! But I signed up to the Challenge promising myself I will write something everyday. So here it goes…

Image: http://happyhaiku.blogspot.co.uk/2000/07/theory-5-7-5.html

I may look normal

But I am not invisible

Cannot see what is wrong

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Silent deep and hides

Within my brain lies a lesion

Dizzy, weak legs and falls

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Are now part of my life

Feeling all alone in the world

Nobody understands

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Room is spinning fast

Legs weak buckling beneath me – fall!

Pick myself up…again!

Although there are 4 separate Haikus I written them so that they all link together, creating a story about my condition.

I hope you enjoyed them…

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