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The things that make me different are the things that make me…

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This post is genuinely personal and difficult to write, but as I think it will resonate with many others who are forced to live with illness every day, it is, therefore, an important one to write.

There are many times that I dislike myself and am ashamed of who I have become.  If I could be anyone else, I would gladly choose anyone else’s life to live rather than my own.

A lot of that is down to the neurological condition that I live with; everything that life with chronic illness has given me, I believe however that it has taken much more away.

The symptoms that I endure and the impact that it has on my life has stripped away friendships, my independence and ability to provide for myself through meaningful employment that was my aspiration after graduating university and before the deterioration of my condition.  The dreams that I had and the direction that I wanted my life to take was snatched from me and was instead forced to reevaluate everything and take a different path.

[Tweet “Chronic illness has given me so much. However, it has taken much more away.”]

I am sure that I am not the only person living with a chronic illness to feel or have felt this way.

To look at others, measuring ourselves against them and ending up feeling somewhat superfluous in comparison.  When I think of my family and seeing myself through their eyes, I often believe that I must be somewhat of a disappointment to them.

After all, I have not achieved anything substantial during my life thus far. Instead, my life consists of being stuck inside the same four walls or attending one hospital appointment after another.

These thoughts are not consistent and perhaps are worse during the darkest of days.

However, I came across the most beautifully compassionate and profound quote written by A.A Milne and famously said by his most famous creation, Winnie-the-Pooh.

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Perhaps chronic illness is the most significant part of ourselves that make us different but then without it then we wouldn’t be who we have become.

[Tweet “Without chronic illness then maybe we wouldn’t be who we have become. “]

Living with a neurological condition and its symptoms, for many years before being diagnosed, it has shaped who I have become as a person as a result.  If not for living with a neurological condition, I may have become an entirely different person, but then it would not necessarily mean they would be a better person. I like to think of myself as a compassionate and caring person; someone who is there for others and perhaps this part of what defines me as a person is as a result of the experiences of living with this neurological condition.

We often think of chronic illness as being the defining feature of the negative aspects of our personality and lives in general – the loss of independence, loss of self-confidence and so on but perhaps living with a chronic illness may also be the influence for the positive aspects which what defines us.

If it weren’t for chronic illness, I would never have been such an avid user of social media or the author of a blog for example and as a result, would never have found my close friends that I have made since sharing my experiences of living with a neurological condition.

Furthermore, I may not have such a close relationship with my parents if it had not been for the condition that has affected them as much as myself.

The difficulties faced when living with a chronic illness or neurological disorder are extremely difficult, and as a result of living with these for many years, we develop strength and resilience that was not there before the onset of symptoms and may not have developed if not for chronic illness.

The people closest to me can see beyond the neurological condition that I see as being such a big part of my life, and see my value despite the effects of chronic illness, and which I may not recognise in myself.

They recognise the things that make me different from everyone else and yet still love me because it’s those differences that make me and despite me being ashamed of that which makes me different from others.

A.A Milne should be celebrated for not only his profound words and insights of life but also for making those who may feel different from everyone else be proud of those differences and allow themselves to celebrate their individuality.

[Tweet “It’s those differences that make me, despite being ashamed of that which makes me different.”]

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A Bad Day Does Not Mean The End of the Day…

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Regular readers of my blog, and especially those who follow me on social media will know that life recently has been very tough due to the symptoms that are caused by the neurological condition that I am now forced to live with.  The symptoms associated with my neurological condition such as dizziness, fatigue, pain as well as the severe weakness and trembling in the legs have all deteriorated.  And as a  result of this deterioration, it has resulted in the loss in the ability to do a lot of the things that once came so easily, or those activities that I enjoy participating in.  One example, is the great difficulties that I have experienced in visiting our local high street.  Before this sudden deterioration, I found it so easy to be able to park in the town’s car park and walk the moderate distance towards the top end of the town to visit the shops that I like to browse and buy everything that I need.  However, recently due to the deterioration in the symptoms in my legs (the pain, trembling and weakness) even the short walk from the car park to the shops have felt more like the prospect of walking Mount Everest.

Dealing with symptoms can often feel like an uphill battle...
Dealing with symptoms can often feel like an uphill battle…

As a result, my carer has instead had to use the disabled parking bays in the town centre itself, so that I am able to use the amenities that I need to use, and still be able to go to the shops that I like to visit.  This arrangement has been far easier as they are extremely close to all the shops that I regularly shop at, but in all honesty, some days it is still a struggle to go shopping because of the severe weakness and trembling in the legs.  The dizziness, has also caused a very big obstacle in going out because it has become so intense, and has resulted in me having to wear a hat when visiting places (wearing a hat helps to limit the exposure to triggers that can cause vertigo, double vision or make the dizziness worse).

Last week was a particularly bad week, and a trip to town was cancelled after my legs almost gave way in the middle of town.  Instead, because the pain and weakness was so bad, my carer and I returned to the house and watched a film.  It is bad mornings with chronic illness like these which can be difficult for our morale and self-confidence; and very often it can feel that our day is already over thanks to chronic illness, unable to accomplish anything because of debilitating symptoms and so instead we find ourselves spending the rest of a ‘bad day’ spent in bed or lying on the sofa watching a marathon of our favourite TV series (my guilty pleasure of the moment is One Tree Hill).

However, I recently learnt that it does not have to be this way.  I found a blog post that read:

Today is not over yet.

And it is true.  At the time, I wrote off the day that my legs decided not to work properly and had to spend the morning watching a DVD instead of the shopping trip I had planned.  But that was not the end of the day.  After the film, and after I regained enough strength in my legs, my carer and I took a short drive to a nearby coffee shop and had lunch.  It actually turned out to be a lovely trip out and exactly what I needed to take care of myself and my body against the effects that my condition has had on my life.  And perhaps ‘Today is not over yet’ is a mantra that we spoonies need to remember.  Just because a day has started off bad because of the effects of chronic illness does not mean the day will be bad.  It does not even mean that the day is over.

Finding joy can often be like seeing a rainbow appearing behind clouds...
Finding joy can often be like seeing a rainbow appearing behind clouds…

We can find joy in the little things on the bad days – a letter or card from a dear friend landing on the doorstep, a cuddle from a furry friend, a favourite song on the radio, someone making our favourite meal. Our silver linings can come from the smallest of things.

So, our chronic illness may have meant that we have frittered away our time doing as little as possible, however as the quote suggests it does not mean that our day is over.  We are still here and we are still very much alive and as long as we are it is not to late to do something, to do anything.  It can provide the perfect opportunity to pursue some self-care practices in order to take care of not just our physical health but also our psychological health.  A few self-care activities may include:

  • having a soothing bath
  • meditating
  • reading
  • pampering yourself, e.g. getting hair done or even a manicure
  • crafting
  • can even be as simple as setting limits for yourself

Even if you do end up doing something, it may be something that we hadn’t planned on doing or even wanted to do.  However, it might just end up being something we needed or better than originally planned.  Just like my impromptu visit to a local coffee shop.

So next time, you have had a bad start (or at any point of the day, really) to the day and your thought is navigating towards writing the entire day off as a bad one, just remember:

Today is not over yet.

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Struggling with Storms but hoping for a Rainbow…

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Well, today marks the start of a brand new start month.

The start of something new – whether it be a new day, month or year.

It is like a fresh, white piece of paper, in which the past and everything that has come before forgotten, and instead, we are allowed to start afresh.

To start our story anew.

It opens up new possibilities and opportunities and allows us the hope for a better today and tomorrow (and beyond).

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And this is most important when living with a long-term health condition.  To live with illness every day is most difficult, and perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of living with a chronic an excellent is the unpredictability of it and the unknown of what each new day will bring.

Even with every little sign of illness such as a headache, for example, brings the fear of the start of new symptoms or even the possibility of a deterioration in our illness narrative.  Therefore, hope is a vital thread for us to hold onto as it allows the possibility of a life without chronic illness and our lives dictated to by our symptoms.

During the recent weeks since my last blog post, I have been trying to remember these points.

As much as I have been trying to remain positive and to hold onto the invisible thread of ‘hope,’ I, however, have been living with the storm clouds above my head.

Just before the beginning of 2015, I had the hope that this will be a really good year.  Don’t get me wrong; I do not have the irrational belief that I would miraculously improve during the coming year.  As I had a few good weeks before Christmas, I did have the hope however that it would be the year that my symptoms would not deteriorate and I would not experience another decline in the severity of my symptoms.

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It would seem that this particular thread of hope has unravelled.

In fact, these past few weeks has been the hardest weeks that I have experienced concerning my illness for a long time.  It often feels that my body is taken a severe battering from all of my symptoms.

The dizziness has been so severe, that even doing the simplest things extremely difficult.  The trembling and weakness in the legs have also been very relentless; my legs are feeling extremely jelly-like, that recently I have lost all confidence in being able to visit our local town centre and walking around the shops.  Using my wheelchair is one option, however, due to the severe dizziness and the constant perceived motion that I am experiencing, it would make me feel even more nauseous.

Everyday of late has felt like an uphill battle from the moment I get up out of bed until I go to bed later that day.  Because of the severity of the dizziness, nausea, weakness as well as the increased levels in fatigue, has meant that I often just want to go to bed and burrow myself under my covers and stay there for the foreseeable future.  However, I have not given into my longings and have been pushing myself to still going out, although am finding my trips out have been considerably shorter than previous months.

During my last post, I discussed the feelings of loneliness and isolation that can often accompany chronic illness, and during this recent battle, these feelings have unfortunately only increased.

Perhaps one of the main reasons is not letting anyone in my close circle of friends and family know just how bad things have gotten.  Of those who are in my tight circle of confidants, I have tried reaching out, not getting an immediate response when I actually in need of someone.  It has often only increased the feelings of depression.  Often thoughts of whether I’m liked within my circle friends usually follow, stupid I know but perhaps illustrates how difficult things have gotten recently.

I am trying to think of some ways to widen my social life, and perhaps make way for new friends, maybe even considering the social network Meet Up.

Or setting up a group for those like me who are living with a chronic illness or disability and who are also socially isolated because of it, just a thought in progress at this stage but would love to hear your thoughts and whether anyone has had any success with the site.

At the moment I am dealing with dark storm clouds but still, have hope for the appearance of a bright and beautiful rainbow in the hopefully not so distant future…

RainbowShower

 

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Reflection on Robin Williams and Depression

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I was very saddened to hear of the loss of one of the greatest film comedians of our time – Robin Williams.  Like many others, I grew up watching him in films such as Mrs Doubtfire, Jumanji,  and Jack as well as delighting in his performances as Mork in the hit comedy series ‘Mork and Mindy’.  Not only was Robin Williams an incredibly talented comedian but he also showed great vulnerability in his performances in more serious roles in films such as ‘Good Will Hunting’, and even in his earlier roles such as ‘Jack’ where he plays a ten year-old child trapped inside a man’s body due to a rare ageing disorder.

His death is incredibly sad.  Not only has the world lost a huge talent who loved to make others’ smile and laugh despite hiding an incredible sadness within himself but his family lost someone they so deeply loved.  A wife has lost her husband and three children have lost a father.  But what is also sad and tragic is the ugliness that a minority have people shown in the wake of his death.  Reportedly, Zelda the daughter of the late star has left social media due to messages from cruel trolls.  Also, there have been many who have posted such cruel and horrible online messages because of the way he died.  It was established early on, that Robin Williams sadly took his own life after many years of battling demons such as alcohol addiction and depression.  In the wake of the news, many blamed Williams for his death stating that they had no sympathy as he was to their minds selfish and not thinking of his family.  Others asked themselves what did he have to be depressed about as he ‘seemed to have it all.’

Robin Williams in 'Patch Adams' a film that taught us that laughter is the best medicine
Robin Williams in ‘Patch Adams’ a film that taught us that laughter is the best medicine

But that is the thing about depression – it does not discriminate (Click to Tweet)

But that is the thing about depression – it does not discriminate.  Depression does not care if you are rich or poor.  Depression does not even care if you are famous.  Depression is a cruel illness which can affect anyone at anytime.  It is an illness that I am all to familiar with; it is an illness that has affected my life since my teenage years.  And add a diagnosis of a chronic illness such as Parkinson’s Disease, with which Robin Williams was reportedly diagnosed with before his death than depression, it could be argued that depression is a natural reaction.  Chronic illness, and particularly one of a degenerative condition can rob you  and changes everything that you knew – your health, mobility, relationships, career and the future to name but a few.  Chronic illness makes life uncertain and scary.

Chronic illness makes life uncertain and scary (Click to Tweet)

To those who accused Robin Williams  and those who commit suicide of not thinking of his family, this could not be further from the truth.  As someone who has been so down, even experiencing thoughts of suicide, then I know that in these situations the person are thinking of their family and loved ones – when depressed, and certainly when also experiencing a chronic illness which makes  you reliant on your loved ones you therefore feel that your family would be better off without you around.  Of course, it is not true, but depression is a beast that changes the way you think and therefore convinces you to think the worse.

Fortunately, I found support, especially the support available online within the spoonie community.  I came to the realisation that life is worth living despite living with a neurological condition.  Unfortunately, it was too late for Robin Williams.  If you are reading this and you feel depressed and suicidal then please reach out for help – tell somebody.  Life is worth living even if it may feel that it doesn’t right now.

In regards to Robin Williams, let’s remember him for the person he was – a person who had a raw talent and loved to make others laugh and be happy.  Let that be his lasting legacy and not the way he died.

To talk to someone in the UK  you can call ‘The Samaritans’:

  • 08457 90 90 90 * (UK)

Or contact Mind: The Mental Health Charity: www.mind.org.uk

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Clichés often heard when dealing with chronic illness…

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Welcome to the Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge brought together by WEGO Health – a social network for all health activists.  Again, I am participating in the annual Writer’s Month Challenge in which I will be writing about my health activism and health condition based upon prompts given.

Today’s prompt reads as follows:

Well, that’s just crazy!…What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve heard about your health condition?  Was there any context?  What did you think at the time you heard it – and what do you think of it now?

This prompt has actually been used a couple of times previously and so therefore I have decided to come at the prompt at a different angle.

When someone is living with a chronic illness, everyone seems to have an opinion.  People will give advice on how to live and deal with said illness, advice on treatments and so forth.  As well-meaning as that they may be, they are often extremely unhelpful.  Therefore, this blog post will look at the more popular clichés that we chronically ill often hear:

  1. “Well, it could be worse..” or “There are people much worse off…” – I think that everyone living with a chronic illness realises this; and as much as the statement is true, it however still does not help us feel any better regarding our own situation.  The statement only really adds to the feelings of loneliness and isolation that already exists in our lives as a result of chronic illness.  In addition, feelings of  suffering and pain are entirely subjective, and therefore you cannot measure one person’s pain against another.  We are still going to be in pain, and the thought of someone else being worse off is not a comfort to us.
  2. “You need to get out more; that will make you feel better…” – This is another cliché that can be especially infuriating to hear when you are chronically ill.  Especially as there is nothing that we would like more, than to be able to get out of the house and do everything that we enjoy such as shopping or socialising with friends as examples. However, we often feel too unwell to go out; and unfortunately there isn’t anything we can do about it.  Stating that we need to get out more just makes us feel worse and more depressed than usual.  So, please refrain from using such expressions.
  3. “Get well soon!” – As much as I realise that this popular expression is often used with the best intentions, it is especially hurtful for people like me living with a chronic health condition.  As the term ‘chronic’ suggests our condition is not going to improve; and that these conditions are ones which we will have to live with for the rest of our lives. It makes us feel misunderstood.  As much as this is a lovely phrase to use for someone with the flu or a broken leg for example, it just leaves us with the thought of “If only!”.
  4. “But you look so GOOD!…” – This has to be the most popular cliché that us spoonies hear from others.  It’s as if people cannot fathom that we are so unwell when we look so normal.  However, it is said that approximately 96 per cent of all chronic health conditions are invisible.  This suggests that the healthy population believe that a sick person should look a certain way and when we fail in living up to that expectation that they therefore do not believe we are sick.  This phrase therefore can be particularly hurtful.
  5. “Have you tried exercise?  That can be very beneficial for illnesses…” – Yes, I understand that exercise can be beneficial for a number of different conditions; for example, mild depression can be alleviated by taking part in some form of exercise as ‘endorphins’, the happy chemical is released during exercise.  However, with many chronic health conditions, it can be very difficult to undertake any form of exercise because of severe symptoms, such as fatigue.  In my case, for example, not only fatigue that can stop me from doing some form of exercise but also the dizziness and the trembling in the legs can make it very difficult to exercise also.
  6. “My friend’s aunt’s cousin has that.  She tried _____ and it really worked for her. Maybe you should try it?” – As well-intentioned telling us other people’s experiences and although you are trying to help us in trying to find something to help, it is important to note that with a number of different chronic conditions and particularly neurological conditions, every person are unique and each case can be very different.  What works for one person will not work for somebody else.
  7. “I know exactly how you feel.  I often feel like that…” – This is fine to hear from other friends who are also battling with chronic illnesses. however, it can be very hurtful and frustrating when other friends begin to compare their recent bout of flu or bad cold to your chronic health condition.  Being in pain and tired for a week is not the same as battling these symptoms for years.  So, please do not tell us that you know how we feel when you have not lived with or experienced chronic illness for yourself.
  8. “I wish I could stay at home all day…” – I find this particular statement very hurtful indeed.  We did not choose to be ill, and trust me when I say we would much rather be out living life, and working like you instead of being stuck at home all day feeling very unwell and tired.
  9. “Are you sure, it’s not just in your head?” – Again, this is a really difficult and hurtful statement to hear when experiencing chronic illness.  When doctors are unable to find an explanation for symptoms, it is automatically assumed that the person must be imagining, exaggerating or even faking symptoms to gain attention.  We get asked this by doctors a lot of the time, so please as friends or family members refrain from suggesting that the problem is simply all in the mind.
  10. “It can’t be that bad?” – The thing with chronic illness, is that it is an experience that you cannot possibly imagine, unless you have had personal experience with it, so again a statement like this can be very upsetting as it trivialises our whole medical condition.  Like the statement above it also suggests that we are making the condition up, and can often make us feel that our own friend or close family member does not believe us, which can add to the feeling of loneliness, isolation and depression that can often be associated with chronic illness, even if it was said with the best intentions.

The best thing you can do for someone with a chronic illness is just to listen to them.  Ask if there are anyways in which you can help them.  Be a supportive friend or family member.  We would really appreciate that more than hearing statements such as those above.

So, these are the few clichés that I have heard during my experience with chronic illness.  What are the some of the statements that you have heard from friends and family?  How did they make you feel?

As ever would love to hear your thoughts and comments.  Please feel free to add your comments below…

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