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Before leaving the house and my coat and bag, I also grab my crutch with some apprehension. A crutch that has become like an ally. One that helps me keep my balance and keep me upright when my legs threaten to give out. And when symptoms are at their worst, and everything feels like a battle, this crutch has become my weapon. But unlike a superhero, it is a weapon not for fighting villains and saving the world. No, it is a mobility aid that enables me to function in the outside world.

"When symptoms are severe, everything feels like a battle; this crutch has become my weapon. But unlike a superhero, it is a weapon not for fighting villains. Instead, it is an aid that enables me to function in the outside world." Share on X

But the truth is that I felt and sometimes still feel embarrassed and insecure about needing and using a crutch. Unlike superheroes whose props make them appear strong and powerful, my prop, however, makes me appear sick and weak. My need for such an aid makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and insecure. The sight of it made me feel scared about my body and my future. And using it often makes me feel vulnerable.

"But unlike superheroes whose objects make them appear strong and powerful, my crutch, however, makes me appear sick and weak. And my need for such an aid makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and insecure." Share on X

Using it makes me yearn for the years when my illness remained invisible. I miss being able to look in a mirror and forget I was sick, even just for a second. And I especially miss being able to venture out in the world, disguising myself as being like everyone else.

Using the crutch, however, shatters such an illusion. Suddenly, I saw my crutch as a huge signpost for everyone around me that something was wrong with me. It was now suddenly visible that I was sick. A sign my body is no longer working the way it once was. So I consider it a symbol of my impairment: a very visible one. But one which I desperately want to remain hidden. 

"Suddenly, I saw my crutch as a huge signpost for everyone around me that something was wrong with me. It was now suddenly visible that I was sick. A sign my body is no longer working the way it once was." Share on X

Using A Crutch Made People Notice Me; But Not In A Way I Want To Be Noticed

I was worried that by using it, people would pity me or ask me personal questions. Worried that some people would see the crutch, and only the crutch and not the person behind it.

I was also afraid that a crutch would make me look unfashionable. Accessorising my outfits with jewellery or a scarf, for example, is something I enjoy, but this was one accessory that I didn’t like or want. Instead, I saw it as something that made me stand out, look different from everyone else. Just not how I would like others to notice me.

"Accessorising my outfits is something I enjoy, but this was one accessory that I didn't want. Instead, I saw it as something that made me stand out. Just not how I would like others to notice me." Share on X

Suddenly the girl staring back at me is no longer recognisable from the one before. No longer is my own body represented in the images shown in glossy magazines, on television or even on film. There are no stylish role models providing examples of how to make a crutch look cool. The lack of representation of mobility aids in the media only adds to my feelings of being different. And also a sense of uncertainty of where and if I belonged.

Looking through my photographs, I notice that not many include me with my crutch.  Whenever, I see a camera my first instinct is to hide it, hide the evidence of my sickness and disability.
"There are no role models providing examples of how to make a crutch look cool. The lack of representation in the media only adds to my feelings of being different. And also a sense of uncertainty of where and if I belonged." Share on X

When we see people using mobility aids in the media, it is usually of older people. However, needing and using one myself often makes me feel old before my time. And I often worry about the judgements of others; people assuming that I’m too young to be needing one, and therefore must be faking. Feeling the constant stares and scrutiny when out only seem to confirm such fears.

Mobility Aid: Disability on Display

I am hyper-aware of the people around me. I can feel people’s gazes on me as they look me up and down as if trying to identify my affliction. Just recently, as I sat waiting for a pedicure at a local salon, I noticed a woman staring at me. It made me feel like I and my disability were on display for everyone to see and scrutinise. Sometimes people even approach me asking, “Oh no, your poor thing, what happened to you?” It’s as if people believe that I am using the crutch due to an injury, expecting a funny anecdote on how it happened. But instead, the need for such an item is because of a long-standing neurological condition and one that requires other mobility aids than just my crutch.

"I feel people's gazes on me as they look me up and down as if trying to identify my affliction. It often makes me feel like I and my disability were on display for everyone to see and scrutinise." Share on X

I have not yet found a way to reply to such a question without making others feel awkward. When I reply and tell them the truth regarding my neurological condition, there is a deathly silence, not knowing how to respond. And I feel uncomfortable, as there are times when I don’t want to share details about my disability. Sometimes, I want to forget that it exists, even if my symptoms never let me forget it.

For somebody who was more non-disabled than I am now, introducing a crutch represented losing something that I once took for granted. I had to accept that I could no longer move as freely as I once did. I could no longer rely on my body to keep me safe and free from falls or from the evidence they leave behind. Every new bruise or cut is a stark reminder of the deterioration of both my mobility and balance.

"Introducing a crutch represented losing something that I once took for granted. I had to accept that I could no longer move as freely as I once did. I could no longer rely on my body to keep me safe and free from falls." Share on X

Such deteriorations feel like a personal failure like I haven’t tried hard enough to get better. And my newfound dependence on a crutch, so too, felt like a personal failure. I thought that a future of using a mobility aid permanently was giving in to my condition and giving up. It felt that I was saying goodbye to the person I once was and the life I lead and opening the door to something new and unsettling.

A Newfound Dependence on A Mobility Aid: A Personal Failure?

Society perpetuates the idea that a strong and healthy body is the ideal. And as a result, disability and illness are seen as weakness, as something lesser than. My embarrassment and insecurity of needing and using a mobility aid that identifies me as such is undoubtedly evidence of my internalised ableism. I internalised everything society has taught me and thought that using a crutch and other mobility aids made me weak.

"My embarrassment and insecurity of needing and using a mobility aid that identifies me as such is undoubtedly evidence of my internalised ableism. I thought that using a crutch and other mobility aids made me weak." Share on X

What My Crutch Has Given Me

What I don’t often consider, however, is the positives that using mobility aids have brought into my life. For example, my crutch has meant that I no longer have to rely on the support of another person to help keep my balance. My crutch gives me much more stability, allowing me to help maintain my balance and stopping me from toppling over.

Using a crutch might make me insecure at times, but using it has made going out much less of a hassle and without the worry of falling over or losing my balance. Image by Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay.

It has saved me the red-faced embarrassment of being left face down on the ground plenty of times by now. When your disability is invisible, people constantly question your need for things such as use for an accessible toilet or a blue badge, for example. Mobility aids, however, often serve as a shorthand for being disabled, and how that there is something wrong and my need for assistance is therefore legitimate. It sometimes feels like a huge weight has lifted when I no longer have to prove my disability and illness.

"Mobility aids, however, often serve as a shorthand for being disabled, and how that there is something wrong and my need for assistance is therefore legitimate. No longer have to prove my disability and illness." Share on X

Overall, though, my crutch has gone from something that brought me shame and uncertainty to something that has enabled me to live more of a life than I did before. And by accepting and embracing my crutch, I am by extension accepting and embracing myself.

When I go out, the first thing I grab is my bright pink and very cool crutch. No hesitations.

Mobility Aids: Signpost For Something Is Wrong

With all the falls that I have been experiencing lately, the crutch that I bought myself last year has taken quite a battering!  The crutch itself has dents, scratches – some of the damage that has been caused by the falls has even caused some cuts on myself.  Where the paintwork on the crutch has flaked, it has caused the paint to sharpen; and it is these sharpened points that has been causing cuts on my legs and feet when I have had falls in the house.

Also, the anatomical moulded right-handed designs have become uncomfortable, and where it has rubbed against my fingers, a callous has formed there!  So I thought that I would treat myself to a new crutch – one which would be more comfortable and not cut me!  I remembered reading online on a forum that I often visit, that one lady recommended an online store that sells crutches at a reasonable price.  And therefore I headed to Chic Aid Crutches to look at the range that they offered.

And what I found was impressive!  Chic Aid Crutches offers an impressive range of different crutches, including full cuff crutches, half cuff crutches, designer crutches and even folding ones!  And even more impressive is the wide range of colours that are available!  We have all seen the standard NHS crutches – they are heavy, uncomfortable and the grey colour just looks dull and boring.  Using them, feels depressing as they are just not fashionable!  Why should we be sick and be unfashionable with it?  Especially when we have the option to use a bright,  colourful and fashionable mobility aid which feels comfortable, lightweight and what’s more is fun!  It does not feel like a mobility aid but rather a fun fashion accessory!

After purchasing the crutch, the delivery time was fantastic – I only waited a day for it to arrive, and the crutch was also well-packaged and with no damage to the crutch whilst it was in transit.

Lately, I have really come to love the colour orange – its bright, fun and is a colour that instantly cheers me up.  It’s a reminder of a beautiful sunset.  And it’s because of this, I chose an orange colour for my new crutch.  A beautiful and cheerful colour that will look lovely during these Summer months.

My brand new crutch
My brand new crutch

 

And it has some great features – a padded foam covered handle – which is very comfortable to use and what is even more great is that it doesn’t rub against my finger.  The height can be adjusted in tow places – the height from the floor to the handle, and between the handle and the cuff.  This is great for me, being short!  It is also very lightweight and is quiet when it’s being used; great for when I am in the house and my Dad is in bed after working nights, as the NHS standard crutches can be noisy when being used.  Another fantastic feature and incredibly useful is the black Pivoflex ferrule, which provides increased stability with their ‘flex’ action – a feature that is great for me, due to my balance problems, and so a mobility that aid that provides increased stability really is a must-have feature.

I really love my new crutch and perhaps one day I will buy more from Chic Aid Crutches and look chic and fabulous whilst being sick!

Thank you Chic Aid Crutches!

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Welcome again to the ’12 Days Of Christmas – a celebration of everything that I am thankful for whilst living with a chronic illness.  On the 5th Day of Christmas…I was thankful for an object!

The object that I am thankful for?  Well definitely lately it has been my crutch.  An object that comes with me wherever I go, and as in my opinion, symptoms have become worse lately, I find that I am needing it more and more whilst in the house.  I rely on this crutch, especially when out, as it often prevents me from experiencing falls ( sometimes falls are very bad, that even the crutch will not prevent them – but for the most part, it saves me!).  It basically just helps me to keep my balance and to help me walk everyday.

And not only is it extremely useful in helping me live my life with the condition, but the crutch is not one of those boring crutches that are provided by the NHS.  Oh no, my crutch is bright pink, is lighter and much quieter than the grey standard crutches (great for when Dad is on nights and is in bed during the day!!) – the crutch feels funky and chronically awesome.  Even when living with a chronic illness, it doesn’t have to stop you from being fashionable!

 

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A picture of what my ‘cool’ crutch looks like!

And for that I am ‘chronically’ thankful!

 

To find out more about the crutch that I own and others in the range, then visit their website at:

www.coolcrutches.com/

 

Hello, again!!  Another day, and another post for the WEGO Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge.  Ready?  Today’s prompt reads as follows:

10 things I couldn’t live without…Write a list of the 10 things you need (or love) most…

Another challenge that sounds so easy, but when sitting down and trying to complete it is actually quite difficult.  I presume that things such as food, water, air don’t have to be included as these are things that everyone needs to survive and live.  This challenge seems much more personal…things which I probably could live without, but things which make my life better…

So here’s my Top 10 Things I Love Most or Couldn’t Live Without (and in no particular order!):

My Parents – an obvious first choice, as they are the most amazing parents – supportive and caring.  They are both my rocks and have been with me through the good and bad times, and Dad without moaning, drives to appointments or wherever I need to go, or if I need to go to the shops for something, and when he’s not working will go out and buy me lunch which is a great help especially when my legs are feeling particularly weak so don’t have to worry about standing to make myself something to eat.  And Mum is super brilliant – helping me out whenever, phoning to check on me if they are both working and I’m alone in the house.  Mum is also the greatest person to talk to whenever I am feeling down or having a bad day, and we also have a great time together on the rare days we go out shopping together, or even staying in the house and watching a film.  No words can express my gratitude to them or how much I love them…
My Dog – my dog Honey, although crazy and unbelievably annoying at times (you should see her whenever people come over, particularly when they leave!!).  However, she is also the most sweetest, caring and loyal dog – if I’m on my own and have a fall she is there by my side straight away making sure that I’m OK.  Or, if I’m having a particularly bad day, and balance is bad and my legs are very weak she is constantly following me, and never wants to leave me out of her sights.  And if I’m bad, and lying in bed or if I’m on my computer, she will lie down beside my bed, or on the bed, or lie beside my computer chair.  Once I fell whilst on my own, and was unable to get up afterwards, and she lay down beside me the whole time, until Mum came home approximately 20 minutes later, soon as she came through the door Honey rushed to her to alert her that I needed help.  She is a super dog!!

Other family members – As with my parents, also couldn’t live without other members of my family, all of whom are also supportive and help whenever they can.  I have stayed with an Aunt and Uncle of mine when my parents have gone away on holiday, as couldn’t cope on my own for the duration that they would be away, and so they kindly took me in and looked after me in their absence…

My Crutch – My crutch is my main mobility aid which I am finding that I am becoming more reliant upon.  Whenever I am out of the house, I constantly make sure that I have my crutch with me as due to the dizziness and problems with my balance, I find that it is something that helps ground me.  And also due to the weakness in my legs, the crutch is incredibly useful to help keep me somewhat upright whenever my legs buckle or give way.  And it means that I can have somewhat more independence in the sense that I do not constantly have to hold onto somebody when out…

Online Friends and Community – The girls who I have met online are also something I can not live without now that I have met them.  It’s lovely to have finally found a group of amazing and special people, who I count upon during the good and bad times…who can understand what I am going through.  And it’s lovely that I am able to talk to them online via Skype and we can share our problems, or triumphs and have someone on the end of the computer to talk too when going through a horrible time of it, and know there is someone there who understands.  Love you guys and a special shout out to Marissa, Theresa, Lynda and Michele…

My Computer – Another love of mine and something that I couldn’t live without.  It enables me to buy things that I need such as new clothes, books or DVD’s, as I am not always able to get to the shops to buy these, especially long shopping trips due to the weakness in my legs and the inability to stand for very long.  As I found recently, when I have had the rare chance to get out, not all clothes shops even have benches or seats in their changing rooms, which I need to use, and as a result had a few falls whilst trying some clothes on – online shopping makes it so much easier in that I can order clothes and have them sent to me and can try them on at home.  Also enables me to Skype with friends who I have made online and who are very special to me, and other chores such as paying rent or researching and of course writing the blog!!…

My extensive DVD Boxset Collection – Yes, I have quite the Boxset Collection in my possession – CSI, Bones, Criminal Minds, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice and the rest.  But these are great at keeping me occupied during the times I am alone, stuck inside the house, or to give me escapism from my illness.  They also come in handy, on the ‘very bad days’ when my legs are so weak, and I am feeling very bad that I cannot get out of bed, and so they are excellent at keeping me occupied and entertained during those time…

Music – Yes, music is another passion of mine.  I love all different types – pop, rock, jazz, blues.  I listen to it when doing chores, or am stuck in bed, when I’m on the computer, to remember memories from the past or to create new ones. Music to make me happy or to wallow in when feeling sad.

Twitter and Facebook – I probably could live without these, but these are excellent resources for finding friends new and old, for keeping in touch with friends or family living near or far, or for generally keeping in touch with the latest news or gossip.  I use it a lot for the support group aspect – for making new friends who may be experiencing similar problems as me.  They are also fantastic for reaching out to different companies or for finding organisations which may be able to provide support or help. Also, a great tool for spreading the words of my blog and to let people know when there is a new post up…

Books – I could not live without my books…especially my Jodi Picoult novels as I adore all of her work and is a writer I really admire.  Love books which can provide escapism, to take you off and wonder different countries or worlds. Books which explore the past, present and future.  And especially, as with Jodi Picoult books, ones which make you think and question different moral and ethical questions.  If there are any avid readers out there, I would thoroughly recommend Jodi Picoult’s works!!  And there are an extensive number of books, to help you learn help you with particular problems or concerns.  Having a chronic and invisible illness can be so tough, knowing that there isn’t a cure out there or no treatments that can really help, so I have found a book called ‘Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired’…a books which provides hope and coping strategies for those like me suffering from an invisible chronic illness, and how to deal with the emotions and difficulties that come with living with them.  A book that has also been recommended to me is ‘How to Be Sick by Toni Bernhard.  All books mentioned can be found at Amazon.com (US), Amazon.ca (Canada) or Amazon.co.uk (UK).

So those are my Top 10 of things that I couldn’t live without, what are yours?

All comments welcome….

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