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Living With The Darkness

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All of us will have situations or places that we find difficult; situations that push us emotionally, revealing the depths of our strength and ability to cope with high-stress situations.

Add living with a chronic illness into the mix, and the number of situations or places that we find demanding increase exponentially.  The reasons for the difficulties these places or situations may vary, for some it may be the fear of the ‘unknown’ for example, or even they are a potential trigger for symptoms associated with the condition.  What are some of the places or situations that you find uncomfortable or challenging because of your chronic illness?

One such place for me (could also be classed as a situation too) is the cinema. Especially those large multiplex cinemas that have become so popular, and killing off the small, independent theatres that I prefer.  With its high ceilings, fluorescent lighting and the wide open spaces in their foyers are an enemy to the dizziness and vertigo that accompanies the neurological condition in which I live.

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The Multiplex Cinema – a great enemy of vertigo!

However, with the recent release of the Disney film ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and my intense desire to see it, as the original animated version is one of my all-time favourite films! Which meant that I would have to face the demon that has become the multiplex cinema.

The chain in question is Showcase Cinema, and although in the past I have managed visits to a cinema much further away from where we live, I had decided to try the nearer cinema as yes, it is much closer, but also is more convenient for my needs as a person with mobility problems.

Unlike the cinema, I had visited a few times over the past couple of years; the Showcase is flat and on one level, so no stairs required which are good news for my severely trembling legs.

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Beauty and the Beast. Photo from Disney

The excitement of seeing the film, especially after reading the many fantastic reviews that followed was mixed with trepidation at the knowledge that it would be challenging for the dizziness and vertigo as well as the difficulties that my brain has processing all the visual information.  A couple of times, our plans at going were sadly postponed due to the severity of the pain in legs; pain that left me crying for much of the night and early hours of the morning.

[Tweet “A saying that encapsulates living with chronic illness is “We plan and our bodies laugh.””]

Plans were made to go on a different day, and although the pain was not as severe as before, it was still pretty bad, as well as feeling off kilter.  But then I realised, that there would be no ‘perfect’ day to go and see the film without any accompanying symptoms.

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“People plan, and God laughs”, or the Spoonie equivalent is “We plan, and our bodies laugh!”

If I was going to wait for that one ‘perfect’ day then sadly I might be waiting an extremely long time, or if that perfect day would ever arrive.

As I have mentioned previously, the only predictable thing about living with a chronic illness is the inevitable unpredictability.  The unpredictability that makes scheduling plans so much harder as there is no way of predicting how you will be feeling or what your abilities will look like on any given day.  Then there is the anxiety that symptoms will present themselves when we are out, leaving us in pain and feeling sick when we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves.

[Tweet “The only predictable thing about living with a chronic illness is the inevitable unpredictability.”]

As a result, despite the pain, fatigue, and dizziness I made the decision to brave the cinema anyway.  The symptoms are constantly with me, so I figured that there would be no perfect, symptom-free day to go and face the cinema.  To not go, would be letting my condition win, and this neurological condition has taken enough for me, so why should I let it take away my love for films too?

Despite the positive mindset, I still felt nervous and unsure, but as I went through my handbag, making sure I had everything to take with me, I found a great quote from the Itty Bitty Book Company:
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I did it! I refused to let my condition rule my life, and despite whatever the dizziness and vertigo threw at me I persevered and managed to stay and watch the entire film (which was brilliant and visually beautiful).  It’s strange the strength we have to endure such symptoms and the ability to stay in those situations which are also our triggers juxtaposed with our feelings of weakness.  But one of the reasons why I wanted to share this was to remind everyone struggling with symptoms and living with chronic illness that we are stronger than our conditions.  Our perseverance and tenacity are bigger than our symptoms.  As the above quote reminds us, we can do this (whatever this proves to be).

Sitting there amongst the rest of the audience, I had moments however of feeling entirely alone.  Consumed by feelings of dizziness, and the effects of vertigo while everyone else, including those with me, made me feel alone and isolated, serving me a reminder of how different I am compared to everyone else as well as the tremendous impact that living with a neurological condition has on every facet of our lives.  But again, thanks to the power of social media I realised that I am not alone.  The situations and places that we find difficult and the symptoms they evoke may look different for each of us, but the emotions and feelings they invoke are the same.
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But from going, I also learned some lessons that may help me in future visits, for example, I may need to sit higher up in the movie auditorium as I found that to see the screen properly I had to tip my head back which can be a trigger for vertigo.  Therefore, by sitting further back, I will be in the direct eye line of the screen.  Coping strategies are also needed when facing situations that can trigger symptoms, so it is imperative to find what helps you no matter how silly it may seem to everyone else.

Why I found that inner strength to decide on going to the multiplex cinema, which only leaves me feeling dizzy and nauseous is also perhaps to a new level of acceptance that I have developed since being diagnosed with a neurological condition.

Acceptance which allows me to live alongside my condition and its accompanying symptoms instead of running away and avoiding those situations that trigger the onset of my symptoms.
Now that I faced that of what I was avoiding, I am determined to go again and again and recapture my love of cinema and film.  I am taking back control of my life, playing by my rules and not that of the neurological condition I live with, but which doesn’t have me.

[Tweet “Chronic Illness is something that I live with, but which doesn’t have me.”]

I hope that you too find the strength and courage to face something that you might have stopped doing.

I know you can do it!
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The Longest Ride…of life with Chronic Illness

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Living with chronic dizziness is hell.  The unpleasant sensation of having your whole world constantly moving even when still takes everything away from you.

Your friends, social life, independence, career plans to name but a few are lost when chronic illness strikes.

Long-term illness pecks away at your identity; taking pieces of things that make you-you: the friends you meet, the places you like to socialise and your hobbies and interests.

For me, living with this neurological condition has taken a lot, and one example of something that it has taken for me is being able to go to the cinema and watch a film.  High ceilings, flashing strobe lights, fluorescent lights are just a few delights that can worsen the severity of the dizziness that I endure constantly.  Furthermore, they can also be triggers for other symptoms associated with the brain stem lesion such as vertigo and visual disturbances.  As someone who loves films this is an incredible loss; I mean sure, I can still watch them at home but there is nothing like going to the cinema and watching films on the big screen, is there?

A couple of weeks ago, however, saw the release of the new Nicholas Sparks film ‘The Longest Ride‘ and as a fan of his books and the adaptations that have been inspired by his works, I just had to try and push myself to go and see the movie.

My ticket for a showing of 'The Longest Ride'
My ticket for a showing of ‘The Longest Ride’

As a result, my carer and I attempted for the first time in several years to visit the cinema.  And I am happy to say that I managed it; successfully staying in the theatre to watch the entire film.  I would love to say it was easy, but like everything with living with a chronic condition, it was not.

The dizziness at times was so severe and my vision kept becoming blurry.  All my instincts was telling me to leave and go somewhere my symptoms although would still exist, would be less severe.  But the love of the film, and the beautiful story that unfolded during the two hours (and was also helped by the gorgeous Scott Eastwood).

The film was a beautiful love story about love itself but also the sacrifices that are made for it.

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This achievement may seem like a very small feat given the fact that going to the cinema is an activity that many people partake in every day.  Healthy people often take being able to go to places such as the cinema for granted as for me living with a neurological condition, it was a big a challenge as someone attempting to scale an enormous mountain.  So, for me personally this was not a small feat, it was a huge win for me in the conflict that chronic illness has created inside my body.

During the course of watching the film it was not only dizziness, vertigo and the visual disturbances I had to contend with but also severe neuropathic pain in my legs (not helped by the lack of leg room) and the trembling in the legs made it difficult even being able to physically walk to the cinema itself.

I was thinking of the film long after it ended, and kept thinking of its title ‘The Longest Ride’.

For me, the title was defined by the enduring love between the two characters, Ruth and Ira.  But it also got me thinking about its meaning in my life.

Living with chronic illness in itself is a long ride.  The term itself is clear of this as the definition of the word can be used to refer to an illness which persists for a long-time or is constantly recurring.
From the onset of symptoms, living with a chronic illness is a long ride, consisting of endless doctor’s and hospital appointments, persistent and recurring symptoms (and often the onset of new ones) as well as the ceaseless days of feeling frail and sick.

Imagine an extremely long and persistent road, well, living with a long-term condition is often like making the long ride down this road, and which often feels like there is no end.  The journey towards diagnosis is even a long ride itself, with repetitive appointments with consultants leading to disappointment as medical tests fail to answer the one question we want answering – what is wrong with me?

Living with chronic illness can often feel like travelling on a long road with no end in sight...
Living with chronic illness can often feel like travelling on a long road with no end in sight…

And even after the diagnosis has been confirmed, chronic illness allows the long ride towards not only acceptance of the diagnosis but also to learn how to live with and manage the symptoms of said chronic illness.

Thinking back to the film, and the gargantuan achievement of going to the cinema despite experiencing such unpleasant symptoms that for one makes it extremely difficult to sit and watch a film but also has previously stopped me from enjoying such perks as trips to the cinema, has made me realise that we should not allow our conditions to take full control over our lives.

Yes, chronic illness is bound to take pieces of our old lives and identity and change them, however, we should not allow our illness to stop us from doing things that we love.

Yes, the cinema trip was demanding on me physically, affecting me even days afterward, experiencing a flare in severe symptoms, but it was still worth the trip.

Not only did I manage to watch a film that I desperately wanted to see, but I also defeated my condition reminding me that I am stronger my condition.

Now, I just need a little reminder of the film and the cinema trip to pin to my positivity board to serve as a reminder of the defeat over the dizziness and my neurological condition/  I was thinking of a postcard of the film poster or something so if anyone has any ideas or anything please get in touch!

And if any of you, love romantic films then I would thoroughly recommend ‘The Longest Ride’.

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Where there’s a will; there’s a way….

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In my last post, I wrote about my disappointment at not being able to stay at the local multiplex cinema to see Les Misèrables – a film that has been on my ‘must-see’ list since I heard about the film.

However, I have now actually seen it!!  Although it meant that my Personal Assistant and I had to travel further afield to a cinema that is not as big and imposing as the cinema that is nearby.

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And it has made me realise that although our lives is plagued with problems as a result with chronic illness – and often we feel that it leaves us unable to do things that we once enjoyed.  However, maybe the last statement is not true – maybe the way we used to do something is something we are unable to do; but there may be another way that we can still participate in the particular activity.  We just need to find a different path to be able to enjoy our chosen activity.

Not that the cinema was without problems for me – all of the stimuli from objects flying towards the screen, the loud audio and high ceilings left me feeling very dizzy, and often had experiences of vertigo and vision lost throughout the film; but even so I thoroughly enjoyed the film and found a real sense of accomplishment that I managed to overcome all the unpleasant symptoms and stay to watch the entire film.  I could not recommend the film enough – the beautiful songs and the incredible performances of all the cast (and in my opinion, even include Russell Crowe in this) carries the audience through a number of emotions throughout the film – and yes, I cried several times through the film.

That old adage is indeed correct – “where there’s a will; there’s a way!”

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Learning to Live with Disappointment with Chronic Illness

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Disappointment is often something that you live with when living with any chronic illness – due to fluctuating symptoms and flare ups we often have to miss special occasions or cancel plans with friends or family.  And followed by cancelling of plans, comes the inevitable pangs of disappointment of missing out on such occasions.  This disappointment is even more amplified when friends talk about how wonderful the night was; making you feel even more miserable that you missed out (again!).

I felt this pang of disappointment recently – one of my goals for the beginning of the year was to visit the cinema as I really want to see the film version of Les Misèrables.  However, when I attempted the trip to our local multiplex cinema, I was so overcome with the dizziness and vertigo that I was just unable to stay in the building.  Of course, I felt extremely disappointed – in myself and my broken brain; stopping me from enjoying something as ‘normal’ as visiting the cinema.  I all honestly, the experience made me feel like a failure – failure as I failed to achieve a goal that I so desperately wanted to accomplish.  Hopefully, this is a setback and one day I will be able to go into that cinema, and even be able to stay long enough to watch the film.

So how should we ‘spoonies’ cope with these inevitable disappointments when we are unable to attend events or accomplish goals we wanted to achieve?

Well,we fist need to acknowledge the disappointment and anger that we may feel towards the illness that often feels as having robbed our lives. Then after acknowledging the anger we then have to deal with it.  This could be going to counselling or attending a support group associated with your particular condition.

Educate yourself, of your condition – there is no such thing as an overeducated patient.  Read as much literature as you can; and learn how the disease or illness can affect the body.  This can make it easier to perhaps plan for such times when we are invited out somewhere or planning trips somewhere, and perhaps being able to come up with a ‘plan of attack’ – a plan for dealing with such problems that can arise as a result of the particular health condition.

Perhaps, the biggest lesson that I have learnt is that we are all more than our condition.  We, of course, need to acknowledge the existence of said disease or illness, however it does not need to be self-defining.  Although there may be certain activities or have certain limitations, there are still however, plenty of things that we ARE still able to do.

It is often important when dealing with disappointment after not achieving goals, it still to keep a positive attitude as research has shown that being positive despite illness makes it much more easier to cope with.  Be grateful for everything that you do have rather than focusing on everything we haven’t or focusing on pain or our negative situations.  Perhaps keep a gratitude journal and list all the things that we have been grateful for on that day.

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How do you deal with disappointment?  And more importantly how do you cope with the disappointment?

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