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Through The Lens of a Flare
In Chronic Illness

Through The Lens Of A Flare

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Sheryl from A Chronic Voice, as well as sharing her own stories and lessons with chronic illness.  Sheryl is an excellent support to other bloggers and writers living with illness and chronic pain.  One such way is through monthly link-up parties whereby bloggers and writers share their stories through given prompts.  I’ve decided to take part in this month’s Link Up Party, using the prompts to describe my experience during the latest flare caused by Functional Neurological Disorder (FND). 

Budgeting

Budgeting: Noun. An estimate, often itemised, of expected income and expense for a given time in the future, a plan of operations based on such an estimate.  An itemised allotment of funds, tine, etc for a given period.  The total sum of money set aside or needed for a purpose, e.g. the construction budget.

Often asked to contemplate the word budgeting, many would do so in regards to money and finances.  However, when living with a chronic illness, a more valuable commodity is energy.  Or spoons.

[Tweet “When living with a chronic illness, energy or spoons becomes such valuable commodities.”]

The Spoon Theory is a metaphor created by advocate Christine Miserandino. The metaphor is used to describe the planning that those living with chronic health conditions have to do to conserve and ration their energy reserves to accomplish, well anything. Christine conceived the favourite metaphor after a discussion with a friend.  Her friend had asked what living with lupus was like for her.  To use a visual aid to help with her explanation, Christine handed her twelve spoons and asked her to describe the events of a typical day, taking away one spoon for each activity.  It demonstrates the need to ration the spoons we do use to avoid running out before the end of the day.

[Tweet “During a flare we have to carefully budget the number of spoons we need for the day ahead.”]

During a flare, however, further limits the number of spoons available. And is something that I have been experiencing during this prolonged flare recently.  Even doing a small amount of chores has left me severely fatigued, and a need to recover the next day and sometimes even longer. As a result, I have had to carefully budget the number of ‘spoons’ or units of energy.  If I fail to do this, it could leave me in more pain than I’m already in, or not even able to get out of bed the next day.  It requires me to be strict with myself and my time, putting off some tasks until the next day or even when I’m feeling ‘better.’

spoons a wonderful metaphor to describe the fatigue that comes with living with a chronic illness
Spoons to represent the limited units of energy when living with a chronic illness with each activity removing one from your supply

Speeding

Speeding: move quickly

What a problematic prompt, especially when writing about an experience of a flare.

Speed is not generally something which is present during a flare.  Recently, the trembling and weakness have worsened, requiring to move slowly and methodically to avoid falls or legs suddenly collapsing.  To speed or move quickly, therefore, is not currently in my vocabulary.

[Tweet “To speed or move quickly, is not currently in my vocabulary.”]

The only thing I could come up with, however, is changing into pyjamas!  Anyone who is feeling unwell craves the pleasure of wearing comfortable clothing.  And is there anything more comforting and satisfying than a pair of warm, snuggly pyjamas? As soon as it’s convenient, or even as soon as I set foot in the house, I love to race inside to get changed into my pyjamas.  And this is never more evident than when going through a flare.  During such times, I seem to spend more time in my PJ’s than anything else.

[Tweet “There is nothing more comforting during a flare than getting changed into warm, snuggly pyjamas!”]

The intensity and duration of this flare also seem to be speeding, however.  I sometimes question and fear whether it is just a flare and not a deterioration.

Read more: Becoming Lost During a Flare: Revisiting Acceptance

Slowing

Slowing: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity: a slow train. Characterised by a lack of speed: a slow pace

Ah, yes, slowing is an apt noun for describing life during a flare.

Life seems to slow down while in the midst of a flare.  Days and very often nights are full of debilitating pain and the effects from other horrendous symptoms.  Symptoms so intense and crippling that minutes start to feel like hours, and hours feel like days.

[Tweet “Days are filled with debilitating pain…minutes start to feel like hours, and hours feel like days.”]

It feels that time has paused, and pain and other problematic symptoms are the only things that we can focus on during the present moment.

Physically I have been slowing down also.  The trembling and weakness in the legs have been severe, having an adverse knock-on effect on my balance.  As a result, I have needed to make small and tentative steps when walking around to ensure I don’t lose balance and to protect myself from falling.

Slowing down, in general, is excellent advice for anyone with chronic illness who is experiencing a flare. To learn to listen to what your body is telling you.  To rest when you need to recuperate.

[Tweet “Slowing down is excellent advice for anyone who is experiencing a flare. To rest and recuperate.”]

Living Life Like a Snail
When going through a flare, I tend to move at a snail’s pace!

Evaluating

Evaluating: form an idea of the amount, number, or value of; assess.

I think there is an innate need in all of us to assess how well we’ve done at something.  To ask, had I done my best? Could I have done more?

During a flare, and with more time than I know, what to with or have the energy for I tend to start evaluating everything.  I assess the actions, or rather inactions of the day and the accomplishments (or lack of) and become wholly dissatisfied with both myself and my life.  I start to compare my experience with others and begin to grow depressed, feeling as everyone’s lives have moved forward while mine has stagnated.

Evaluating can both be useful and damaging.  Personal accountability is vital as it gives us greater autonomy over our health.  And evaluating aspects of our health help us with this, as we gain more understanding of appropriate coping strategies.  A better insight of the various signs that tell us of an impending flare.  We learn a deeper awareness of our health condition.  However, it can also be damaging as it has a detrimental effect on our self-esteem and mental health.

[Tweet “By evaluating the pain and what does and does not help makes it easier to manage future flares.”]

While in the thick of this current flare, I had begun noticing that some of the coping strategies that have helped in the past no longer seem to be easing the excruciating pain.

By evaluating my pain and what does and not help calm the burden of it, the better equipped I am to manage future pain flares.

Escaping

Escaping: break free from confinement or control.

I think everyone at some point in their lives has wanted to escape.  To pack our prized possessions and avoid the mundane routines and responsibilities of everyday life.  Escaping to a beautiful, tropical island or inside a film, or anything else a person desires.  Escaping can be enticing.

Living with a long-term health condition, like a neurological disorder that inhabits my existence, escaping can be even more appealing.  To avoid the very knowledge that chronic equals forever.  Escaping the pain, and the other incapacitating and constant symptoms, the treatments and its endless side-effects, and the limitations that exist.

[Tweet “The opportunity to be able to escape debilitating pain is appealing but sadly isn’t possible.”]

Unfortunately, escaping from our bodies and the illnesses that permeates deep inside them isn’t possible.

No exit when experiencing a flare with chronic illness
When experiencing a flare, there are no exit signs or means of escape unfortunately

Can’t escape a flare, however

While in the midst of a flare, however, a yearning for an escape becomes even stronger.  To be able to leave behind the disarming pain, fatigue and weakness and to visit a quiet and serene place where such things don’t exist.  But we can’t.  We can only lie there and suffer the profound consequences of such a flare.  During such times, I find that my only means of escaping are through captivating novels, living vicariously through the stories and adventures of others, or by getting lost in a boxset binge of one of my favourite television shows, or a film that is both absorbing and comforting.  My current favourite boxsets to binge watch are Arrow and Blindspot, two box sets that I’ve added to my already extensive collection.  Or an escape via social media.  Anything to be able to get my mind off the pain, and trembling that is persecuting my lower limbs, and occasionally my entire body.

Flare days often calls for a boxset binge!
Flare days often call for a box set binge as a distraction from pain and other debilitating symptoms. Arrow (S6) and Blindspot (S3) are two of my current favourite shows to watch

[Tweet “The only possible escape from a flare is anything to help distract me from the pain and trembling.”]

Any escape would be welcome, but when experiencing an intense and prolonged flare like the one I am currently enduring, the options are limited; barely being able to move from where we lay.

Of course, I would much rather an escape in the form of a cruise!

Read more: A Chronically (Ill) Boxset Binge.

 

October Link Up Party with A Chronic Voice

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7 ways to cope during a flare
In Chronic Illness

7 Ways to Cope During A Flare

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Medical Definition of Flare: 1. an exacerbation of a chronic disease. Often referred to as a flare-up, a flare occurs when symptoms of a disease that has been present for a time suddenly worsen. A flare is a transient worsening of a disease or condition that eventually subsides or lessens.

One of the most frustrating and stressful aspects of living with a chronic illness is the unpredictability. The never knowing how you are going to feel or any given day.  Never knowing if today is going to be the day when symptoms are going to worsen suddenly.

[Tweet ” Concerning chronic illness, a flare occurs when its symptoms suddenly worsen.”]

We can become hyper-vigilant, analysing every pain or unusual sensation as a potential precursor for an oncoming flare.  It can feel powerless; we control the tiniest aspects of our health we can such as pacing ourselves, ensuring we get enough sleep and maintaining a good diet. But still, we find ourselves in the midst of a flare.

And when we are in the midst of a flare, there is still worry and uncertainty.  Just as we are in the dark as when a flare will occur, it’s also not known how long it will last.  The increased disability, isolation, loneliness, and guilt only add to the stress.  And the longer the flare, the greater these stresses impact us.  However, these stresses can not only be consequences of the flare, but they also have the potential to prolong it.

Living with chronic illness and pain is much like riding a rollercoaster!

Living with a chronic illness and experiencing a flare is very much like riding a tumultuous rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster with many ups and downs, twists and turns, but not knowing when they are going to occur.

[Tweet “Experiencing a flare is like riding a roller coaster – lots of ups and downs and twists and turns!”]

In my last post, ‘Becoming Lost During a Flare: Revisiting Acceptance‘ I discussed the effect that my latest flare has had on not only my physical health but also the impact it has on my emotional health.  The anxiety and loss of confidence that has resulted from the physical and psychological losses that have occurred during this particular flare.  The symptoms have become a thief, stealing little things which are essential to me and help me function within the world around me.

Given that the experience of a flare is negative, how can we survive while going through one?

How To Survive a Flare

Surrender

It’s interesting that this word has such negative connotations.  For many, surrendering means giving up.  The reality is that it means letting go.  Before, acceptance when a flare would occur, I could feel myself tensing, trying to fight against it, to make it go away. Doing so, however, actually had the oppositive effect.  Instead, the flare would fight back, becoming stronger.  By surrendering, we choose to accept the reality as it is in the moment.  And when we accept the reality, we are more likely to take the steps needed to take care of ourselves appropriately.

[Tweet “When we accept the reality, we are more likely to take steps needed to take care of ourselves.”]

Photo by Katii Bishop from Pexels

‘This Too Shall Pass’

As stated in the definition at the top of the post, a flare indicates as a transient worsening.  Transient of course meaning fleeting or short-term.  It will eventually subside.  No matter how many lows there are on our roller coaster, we will ultimately find the highs again.  And we must remind ourselves that during the darkest times; to hold onto hope.

[Tweet “It’s important to remember that flares are fleeting and will eventually subside.”]

Don’t Blame Yourself

When we are experiencing a flare, there is a tendency to look back on what we have done which could have triggered it. To blame ourselves for our current predicament and think that we could have avoided it had we done x, y or z. The reality is, however, that it is not our fault.  Our bodies and symptoms are highly unpredictable with its own rules and agendas; flares are often unavoidable and going to occur whatever we choose to do.  Feeling guilty is not productive and is not going to make you feel better.

[Tweet “Feeling guilt is not productive; symptoms are highly unpredictable with its own rules.”]

And on those occasions that the flare was a result of our actions, we can use it as an opportunity for growth.  To learn from our mistake and to resolve to do better in the future.  Blame and recriminations are not going to help you feel better.  What will help is to return to those self-care behaviours (such as resting) that will ease the burden of suffering worsening symptoms cause.

 Remind Yourself of Your Accomplishments

While in the midst of a flare, we are unable to achieve very much.  Regardless of the size of our to-do list, we are unable to gather the strength or motivation to complete the tasks.  As a result, it can lead us to feel unproductive, as if we are failing ourselves and those around us.  We never, however, celebrate and reward ourselves for which we can do, especially in the face of adversity and limitations.  So, ditch the to-do list and instead make a list of the things you have done despite chronic pain and other debilitating symptoms!  And reward yourself – enjoy your favourite snack or put on a feel-good film.

[Tweet “During a flare, ditch the to-do lists and congratulate yourself on what you have achieved.”]

Create a Self-Care Box

As we never know when a flare will occur, or even how long it will last.  Preparing a Self-Care Box is something you can create beforehand to help you during times of extreme worsening of symptoms. By being proactive and making a plan before its onset, we remove the challenge and stress of coming up with a sufficient self-management plan, which can be difficult when we are in the midst of one.

[Tweet “A Self-Care Box should contain things which make you laugh, to help calm you, and ease suffering.”]

A self-care box should contain various items that comfort and please you; things that nourish your soul and help you cope during times of stress and suffering.  It could include an MP3 player full of songs that help relax and makes you happy.  It could also contain meditation and relaxation exercises which are excellent at reducing stress.  Other items might include magazines and books, inspirational quotes and affirmations, a journal for when you feel well enough to write.  I always add my favourite pair of comfortable pyjamas.  Things to make you laugh, things to make you calm, and ease your suffering. These are all ideas on what to include, but a self-care box should be personal to the individual.

Find Distractions

We all need a break from the chronic pain and other debilitating symptoms. However, when experiencing a flare this can be easier said than done.  As much as you can do, find a break and solace from crippling symptoms through distraction.  Read a gripping book. Watch a mindless TV show or an utterly magical film.  Read articles online about a subject that fascinates you.  A distraction, of course, will not take the pain away entirely but by taking attention away from it, but it might make it easier to manage.  It can also help prevent catastrophising thoughts that can exacerbate symptoms.

[Tweet “Distractions can help prevent catastrophising thoughts which can exacerbate symptoms.”]

Connecting with others also experiencing chronic illness and chronic pain can make experiencing flares easier to deal with

Seek Support From Your Tribe

Attempting to endure chronic illness on your own can be isolating, leading to anxiety and depression.  It can also worsen the already debilitating symptoms, prolonging the duration of the flare.  Reaching out to others for support and encouragement when pain levels rise and symptoms intensify.  Just talking about how you are feeling, and confiding the extent to which you are suffering to those who understand and can help calm the ferocity out of a flare.  Even better is talking to those who also experience chronic illness and pain, and who can prove to be an excellent wealth of information for coping with pain and other symptoms.  Join a support group or community for those living with chronic illness and pain, and be there for others when they are in need of support.

[Tweet “Reaching out to others who understand can help calm the ferocity out of a flare.”]

Those are only seven tips on how to survive a flare, but what are some of your favourite ways to cope when they suddenly occur?  Feel free to add your advice to other warriors below…

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Becoming Lost During a Flare Blog Post
In Chronic Illness

Becoming Lost During a Flare: Revisiting Acceptance

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During my recent foray into revisiting my old posts, I came across this post from five years ago.

In the post, I talk about the importance of acceptance when learning to live with a chronic illness.  It also made me reflect on my current decline in some of the symptoms I experience because of FND.

Once again, the trembling in the legs has worsened.

Significantly worsened in fact.

The Saga of Pain and Trembling Legs

Every day, my legs have felt incredibly unstable and weak, amidst the severe pain that already wracks them.  There is a persistent feeling of incredible stiffness and heaviness.  A heaviness that makes it feel like I am attempting to walk through thick mud.  But, juxtaposed with this heaviness and stiffness is an immeasurable weakness.

A weakness so severe that it continually feels if my legs are going to collapse from under me.

The trembling and this general weakness that exists within my lower limbs is not a new symptom.  So, you would think that I would be used to it by now.  But when confronted by worsening symptoms; they feel anything but familiar.  With worsening symptoms, we are once again thrust back into working through the cycle of grief.

"But when confronted by worsening symptoms; they feel anything but familiar.  With worsening symptoms, we are once again thrust back into working through the cycle of grief." Share on X
Directions of Grief
Five Stages of Grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance via Shutterstock

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression.  These are the key elements that we battle through alongside the fight we face with our symptoms before reaching acceptance.

"We need to battle through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression before reaching acceptance." Share on X

Accepting a ‘New Normal’

But, before we can arrive at acceptance, we must first deal with the psychological fallout that worsening symptoms create. Since the trembling has worsened, it has also significantly affected my mobility. Standing and walking is problematic as the shaking feels incredibly violent. Anxious that at any moment, I will collapse to the ground.  As a result, I have lost confidence, particularly when out of the house, the fear of having a fall never far from my mind.

It feels that I am drowning.  As though my days are about surviving rather than living. Every day I am tormented by symptoms beyond my control.

"My days are about surviving rather than living…tormented by symptoms beyond my control." Share on X

Symptoms are so severe that I am no longer able to function within the world around me.  People assure me of my bravery and resilience in the face of illness.  However, it’s during such flares that words such as bravery and resilience cease to have any meaning to me.

The Unpredictability and Isolation of a Chronic Life

Ask anyone living with a chronic illness, and they will tell you how unpredictable life can be.  Unpredictability is the very hallmark when living with a chronic condition.  Every day we wake up never knowing how the symptoms are going to impact the new day that awaits us.  When symptoms worsen, we never know whether it is due to deterioration in our condition, or just due to a flare.  And when symptoms do become worse, the fear that it is due to a decline becomes very real.  We already had to come to terms with a diagnosis and the new normal that comes with it.  And with worsening symptoms, we again need to adapt and find another new normal.

"When symptoms worsen, the fear that it is a decline with our health condition becomes very real." Share on X

The Effects the Physical Has On Our Mental Health

Furthermore, when symptoms do worsen, we can often isolate ourselves.  The isolation may be as a result of the symptoms themselves, or because of the emotional consequences, it has on our mental health.  I have recently had experiences of isolation.  Due to the severity of this recent trembling, it has affected every facet of my life, most notably my mobility. As a result, I have been unable and afraid to go out much, and when I do, I tend to go to familiar places; places where I know where I can quickly sit down if I feel they are going to collapse.

When living with such symptoms, especially when they are invisible, itself also causes isolation.  We often hide behind a mask; suppressing our pain and fatigue behind a smile.  The pain, fatigue, trembling, and dizziness does not manifest themselves physically.  No one can see or understand the torment that our bodies withstand.  And that can be incredibly lonely.

"No one can see or understand the torment that our bodies withstand. That can be incredibly lonely." Share on X

By not being truthful about the reality of our current situation, we begin to isolate ourselves further. Recently, I have become quite withdrawn, choosing to turn inward, becoming lost in a descending fog of hopelessness and despair.  Stress and feelings of sadness is a consequence of the physical toll that living with illness has on our bodies and minds.  Stress, however, can also exacerbate the symptoms, potentially causing a flare or making one much worse.

"By not being truthful about the true nature of our health we are further isolating ourselves." Share on X

Arriving at Acceptance

Reaching acceptance, although the journey is long and arduous, makes coping with chronic illness more manageable, arriving at acceptance, however, is difficult.

For many, it means resignation or giving up.

Acceptance instead is more about learning effective ways of coping with this new reality and quietening negative thoughts and feelings.

Acceptance and having a positive attitude isn’t a cure for chronic illness, but they can help make it easier to overcome the challenges and limitations that we may encounter.

"Acceptance and having a positive attitude isn't a cure for illness, but they can help make it easier to overcome the challenges and limitations that we may encounter." Share on X

One thing I have learned along the way, however, is that achieving acceptance is difficult.  When we think we’ve accepted everything about our illnesses, something happens such as worsening symptoms, and once again, we find ourselves back to the start.  Much like a revolving door, we often travel round and round the different stages until we locate the exit and reach acceptance.

Perhaps, when living with a chronic illness, there is no such thing as ‘complete’ acceptance.  If recent experience has taught me, coming to terms with a chronic illness involves a continuous journey between denial and acceptance, and so many other emotions.

"Coming to terms with chronic illness involves a continuous journey between denial and acceptance." Share on X
arriving at harbour after storm
Reaching acceptance can feel like arriving at a safe harbour after a storm

And as I now find myself amidst a torrential storm of pain and trembling, and days spent trying to survive the impending floods.

But, I hope soon that I once again find a safe harbour that is acceptance.

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Behind Closed Doors: Life With A Neurological Condition
In Chronic Illness

Behind Closed Doors: Life With A Neurological Condition

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In The Darkness & Behind Closed Doors

Life with a neurological condition is spent in the darkness.

We live with the symptoms behind closed doors.

Behind closed doors where no one can tell how much pain we are in, or the suffering caused by the many other symptoms that comprise our everyday life with chronic illness.  Our days are spent behind closed doors living with these symptoms.  When we do go out, we do so behind a mask.  A mask that consists of make-up to conceal the effects of living with illness every day.  Effects such as dark circles under the eyes and a general pale complexion that make us look ill.

We live with chronic illness in the darkness. We live with the symptoms behind closed doors. Share on X

But we don’t want to look ill; it’s more than enough to feel so every day as it is.  And so, we don our mask to conceal our ‘sick’ identity.  However, the masks we wear only often leads to suspicion from others who know us.  They are unable to fathom how we can still look ‘good’ and yet claim to be chronically ill.  Many believe we must be exaggerating our symptoms to gain sympathy and attention.

But we don't want to look ill; it's more than enough to feel so every day as it is.  And so, we don our mask to conceal our 'sick' identity. Share on X
woman holding hands over eyes
Often neurological conditions come with pain; pain that is can be constant and unrelenting

But they can’t see.  Nobody can see the destruction that living with constant and relentless symptoms has on our bodies and our ability to function in the world around us.

Life With A Neurological Condition: Pain Often A Constant Presence

This week, in particular, has been hard; the pain has been my alarm clock.  Today, for instance, I woke just before six o’clock, sleep interrupted by a wave of crippling pain in my legs.  Pain that feels like legs trapped in a vice that refuses to loosen. Pain has not only been disrupting my sleep but has also been keeping me up late into the night.  Nights where the pain has been my only companion.

But Pain Is Not Always The Source of Frustration and Despair

As a result of my diagnosis, it is not only pain that torments my legs.  I also endure stiffness and weakness in both of them.  As a result, it takes a considerable amount of energy to get out of bed.  Once I do; however, my legs give way, and I end up in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. Unable to do anything else, I manage to haul myself up back into bed.  In bed, I burrow beneath the warm duvet, which provides comfort and security from the cold, which only seems to aggravate the already horrendous pain. Incapable of doing anything else, I catch-up with the world I am currently unable to be a part of via social media, or watch funny videos on YouTube to in a bid to distract me from the pain and trembling that is ravaging my legs.

laptop in bed in the dark
The internet, social media such as YouTube can be a great distraction day or night when symptoms are at their worst

Eventually, usually after a couple of hours of resting, I can get out of bed and continue with my day.  Often, more often than I’d like to admit, I go without breakfast, my stomach protesting at the very thought of food due to nausea.  On days, I can manage to eat, I grab a breakfast bar, something quick and easy and requires no preparation.

Life With A Neurological Condition: The Invisibility

By looking at me you would not believe that anything was wrong with me, however, for me, it feels as though my legs are working overtime to be able to do everything that others take for granted. Taking a shower, getting dressed, doing household chores and preparing meals is extraordinarily challenging. The continual trembling of my legs, it can feel as if they are no longer strong enough to be able to support my body.

There are not enough words to adequately describe the weakness and fatigue I experience when continuously living with pain and trembling.  Everything is a struggle, and as such, forced to take breaks in between having a shower and getting dressed.  Or between chores that need doing around the house.  Just standing is problematic for me because of the continual trembling, feeling as if I’m attempting to balance on jelly. On the worst days, being able to achieve anything at all is exceptionally challenging.

With a body that can do very little, my day consists of resting on the sofa or my bed in my sanctum watching one of my many TV boxsets or an uplifting film on Netflix.

With a body that can do very little, my day consists of watching one of my many TV boxsets. Share on X

The scenario above is a small snapshot of a typical day.

Life With A Neurological Conditions: Days are Unpredictable

However, as anyone living with a neurological condition can attest, there is nothing typical about our days.

Our days are unpredictable; no two days are exactly alike…Things can change instantly. Share on X

Our days are unpredictable; no two days are exactly alike.  Even minute by minute, things can change instantly.  I can feel fine one minute, and suddenly I am lying on the floor after my legs unexpectedly give way.  Or a sudden bout of vertigo overwhelms everything, knocking me off balance. I found a quote from an old blog post, that resonated with me.  It reads “Life with a chronic illness can change instantly within a blink of an eye, one minute the symptoms are in the background, calm and peaceful…and the next they are wreaking havoc upon your body and impacting your life and routines.”

quote from blog crashing violent waves background

The Unknown Of Life With A Neurological Condition

The quote sufficiently describes life with a neurological condition.  Plans for going out or accepting invitations to weddings or other social gatherings are problematic to accept.  Why?  Because we are unable to check our diaries, unable to discern how we are going to feel on a particular day. Never knowing the state in which our bodies are going to be on a specific day.

One minute the symptoms are in the background calm and peaceful…the next they are wreaking havoc. Share on X

We are in a constant state of being stuck in the ‘unknown.’

The road ahead of us contains only a giant question mark.  Not knowing what lies ahead of us tomorrow, next week, next year or even further ahead in regards to our health.

Being chronically ill we are in a constant state of being stuck in the 'unknown'. Share on X

But unlike most people, we in the land of the sick learn to love every second, every minute, and every hour, of any of those good days because we know that the bad seconds, minutes, hours or days may be just around the corner.

As unpredictable as life with a neurological condition may be, however, our lives are still an adventure with infinite possibilities waiting for us to explore.

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I Still Want Adventure In The Great Wide Somewhere
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I (Still) Want Adventure In The Great Wide Somewhere

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As Illness Becomes Permanent the Person We Once Were Fades Into Oblivion

Anyone living with a chronic illness is all too aware of the constant impact that comes from the day to day persistence of symptoms such as chronic pain, and fatigue can have, as we watch the person we once were fade into oblivion. Symptoms that first started as mild, seemingly benign, suddenly become invariable. Their presence, not a result of a brief illness but a permanent and life-changing condition. Over time, these symptoms take over our body and mind. The purest pleasures that we once so enjoyed suddenly becomes unattainable. Once something like going on holiday was pleasurable and now invoked anxieties when travelling.

Perhaps it was different for me. The neurological condition that I eventually diagnosed with is as a result of a problem that arose during my birth. As such has left its permanent scar on my life since. Although the symptoms were at first insignificant have become progressively worse since.  As such, I have never been an adventurous or outdoor person. Sports, for example, has never been my thing, proving myself to be more of a clumsy and uncoordinated person. Growing up, and struggling to fit in with others, I was quite happy to stay at home, tucked away in my bedroom to read or watch a favourite film.

Preferring the Safety of the Familiar

Even when I ventured on my own to attend university away from home, I eventually returned after several weeks. I found myself unable to cope away from the comfort and safety of familiar surroundings while navigating mysterious and unexplainable symptoms. Although never a strong passion of mine, I always enjoyed travelling. Whether it be visiting other parts of the UK or soaking up different cultures abroad.

However, as time passed, these symptoms grew in intensity. The culmination of which was preventing me from living life. Anxiety, pain, fatigue, and vertigo were taking over my every day, slowing becoming my new normal.  Endless trips to see consultants and specialists proved fruitless.  Until the diagnosis of a neurological disorder. A burden that I must now carry with me wherever I go.

Were my days of travelling finished?

When the symptoms began to deteriorate, I thought the days of travelling was over.  Feeling the constant effects of such debilitating symptoms, it seemed safer to stay within the comfort zone that my illness has enforced. Afraid that like my illness, this limiting comfort zone is permanent.  My world had become limited, whereas the symptoms became more pronounced and took a more significant part of my life.

"Feeling the constant effects of such debilitating symptoms, it seemed safer to stay within the comfort zone that my illness has enforced. Afraid that like my illness, this limiting comfort zone is permanent. " Share on X
quote life begins at the end of your comfort zone

Life Begins at the End of Our Comfort Zones

But there came a time when I wanted to see more of the world.  Thanks to funding from our local authority, I was able to employ a carer to take me out for a few hours a week. As I  began to visit new places and learned to push through the effects of such debilitating symptoms, my confidence increased. It was only then I  decided to go on holiday for the first time in I can’t remember how long.  Due to the severity of the dizziness, vertigo and perceptual difficulties that come along with them, we decided to try a cruise to avoid the long waiting in an airport terminal.

Lessons Learned From Cruising

Last month, I returned from my fourth cruise.  And ever since, I’ve come to reflect on my experiences of travelling while living with a long-term health condition.  Before the trip, I had been experiencing increasing neuropathic pain in the legs. The excruciating pain often had me sobbing with the intensity of the torment it inflicts. Pain so severe it even made me physically sick as a result. It, unfortunately, continued throughout the cruise. The pain forced me to submit to the painkillers, prescribed to me in case of such debilitating pain. It, however, only added to nausea I was already experiencing due to the motion of the ship.

Where we are is irrelevant; pain is pain. It will be there no matter where we are

But it made me realise, that location is irrelevant.

Pain is pain.

Symptoms are symptoms.

"Where we are is irrelevant. Pain is pain. Symptoms are symptoms. They will be there no matter where we are." Share on X

They are going to occur no matter where we are. Being crippled, writhing in pain, crouched over the toilet at home is no different from being debilitated by pain in the cabin of a cruise ship.  Yes, it’s easier to manage and plan for symptoms when in the security of familiar surroundings but can be achieved even when on the move.  It just requires careful planning, packing essential items that will help manage symptoms when they do occur.

"Yes, it's easier to manage and plan for symptoms when in the security of familiar surroundings but can be achieved even when travelling. It just requires careful planning." Share on X

As this realisation became reaffirmed after each trip I took, it became easier to depart on further cruises.  As flares occurred before a trip, however, inevitable doubts crept in. Doubts which questioned whether I could cope with travel while enduring such severe symptoms. But as the holiday was already fully paid for, as Queen once sang “The Show Must Go On.”

Over time, I have evaluated the limits that the neurological disorder and its symptoms have on my life and adapted my travel as needed.

"Over time, I have evaluated the limits that the neurological disorder and its symptoms have on my life and adapted my travel as needed." Share on X

For the Love of Cruising

I know that places with high ceilings trigger severe episodes of vertigo, hence why cruising has become so appealing.  The trembling of my legs and the lack of warning before they give way means that I am unable to walk far. As such I have particularly enjoyed the Norwegian Fjords as many of these ports are within the towns themselves and they tend to be easy to navigate by yourself.  Also, cruise companies offer some lovely excursions and all itineraries details the total length of the tour and how much activity (like walking) there is so that you can choose one best suited to you and your particular needs.

"For successful travel, we need to evaluate our limits and adapt our plans accordingly." Share on X

As chronic pain is a constant companion of mine, before our cruise, we’d booked a trip to the incredible Blue Lagoon in Iceland. The warm mineral water helps melt away pain and stiffness.  And it worked!  The whole time we were in the beautiful blue water, my pain levels markedly decreased.  We booked a couple of other trips in several of the other ports on the itinerary. All under four hours and had minimal walking involved but still allowed me to appreciate the fantastic sights that Norway and Iceland offers.

The luscious and relaxing water of the Blue Lagoon in Reykjavik, Iceland

The Anxiety of Being Outside Our Comfort Zone

Before a trip, of course, the monster that is anxiety rears its ugly head. I begin to question whether I am strong enough to cope with constant and debilitating symptoms while travelling.  However, I have survived and at times even thrived even while away from the safe and familiar. Although there were difficult times, I got through them.  I even became stronger and resilient as a result.  I since, have been able to reassure myself with the mantra “You can do this.  You’ve been through worse, and got through things you thought you couldn’t but did.”

"Despite the difficult times, travelling has helped me become stronger and more resilient." Share on X

You become resilient when the intense swelling of the sea, constantly upsets your sense of balance, making it difficult to walk. And you become resilient when crippled with severe pain that feels as if it will never end.  You’re resilient for enduring continuous and unrelenting symptoms and still getting up and enjoying all a holiday has to offer.

The Great Unpredictability of Illness is Much Like The Great Unpredictability of the Weather

This year, reminded me of the great unpredictability of the weather. Unfortunately, high winds prevented the ship from docking in two of the ports scheduled on our trip.

It told me that like the weather the symptoms of chronic illness is also unpredictable.  But as it reminded me, unpredictability doesn’t have to ruin fun or enjoyment of plans; it just means finding ways around the restrictions like the weather or our symptoms.

As much as travelling can be stressful, and that anxiety will be a part of future travel plans, I pledge not to let that stop me. I believe that travel is something that has me happier, stronger and more resilient.  Despite the limitations that the symptoms have on my life, I still want adventure in the great wide somewhere.

"Despite the limitations that the symptoms have on my life, I still want adventure in the great wide somewhere." Share on X
belle quote beauty and the beast adventure in the great wide somewhere
A post about why I crave travel and adventure despite living with constant and often debilitating symptoms of a neurological disorder
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