Chronic Pain Archives

In Chronic Illness

Pain or Painkiller: A Difficult Decision To Make

August 7, 2021 1 Comment

I lie here in bed, unable to discern anything but pain. A burning, searing pain travelling up and down my back and legs. Pain that proves to be both unyielding and punishing in its intensity. Another flare, one of many I have experienced over the years of living with chronic pain. Once again, finding myself held hostage by the betrayal of my body. As I lie here, besieged by gruelling and unbearable pain, I have to decide: pain or painkiller. A choice that is not an entirely easy one to make.

"I find myself held hostage by the betrayal of my body. As I lie here, besieged by gruelling and unbearable pain, I have to decide: pain or painkiller. A choice that is not an entirely easy one to make." Share on X

Pain Or Painkiller: The Dilemma

It seems so simple. You feel pain, so you pop a couple of painkillers to quash it before it becomes unmanageable. But when living with constant debilitating pain, the answer is not always so straightforward. Although they look unthreatening, those white pills can often cause unpleasant side effects that can be just as bad, if not worse, than the pain itself. Many a time, I have experienced intense, burning pain in my stomach. Burning pain that feels as if my stomach lining has eroded by the toxicity of the pills I have taken.

"Although they look unthreatening, those white pills can often cause unpleasant side effects that can be just as bad, if not worse, than the pain itself." Share on X

Even if I am lucky enough to dodge such side effects, there is a chance they will not even work. From my viewpoint, painkillers rarely kill the pain; if I’m lucky, the pain will lessen slightly, but it never surrenders the way I wish it would.

"In my experience, painkillers rarely kill the pain, if I'm lucky, the pain will lessen slightly, but it never surrenders the way I wish it would, the way I need it to." Share on X

A fuzzy cloud descends in my head when I have taken painkillers to help me cope with the relentless pain. But the side effects are not only limited to unpleasant physical sensations. One that makes it extremely difficult to think or concentrate. When under the influence of these drugs, I cannot focus on things I enjoy. I’m unable to read, write or even follow the plotlines of TV shows or films. And I question whether they are a friend or foe.

Pain Or Painkiller: A Catch-22

The decision to take painkillers is, therefore, a catch-22 situation. On the one hand, I can reject pharmaceutical help to encourage the pain to cease. To offer me rest and peace from the torturous clutches of chronic pain. Or, I can choose to swallow these pills only to find that they have done little to alleviate my suffering. Or, even worse, trigger intense side effects that leave me feeling even more ill. Whichever path I take, it feels that I lose either way. And again, I question whether medications are an ally or an adversary.

"The decision whether to take a painkiller is a catch-22. Whether I choose to endure the pain or take a painkiller and face the side effects, it feels that I lose either way. I question whether they are an ally or an adversary." Share on X

pain or painkiller — Pain or painkiller feels that it is a constant question when living with a chronic illness where the pain is also continuous—photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels.

As my hand reaches toward the packet of drugs, a voice whispers, reminding me of the evils of such opiates. But my hesitancy to swallow the pills that supposedly offer relief from unbearable pain is not only because of its punishing side effects. Every day there are stories in newspapers or television documentaries of the damage they can cause to the liver. But my hesitancy to swallow the pills that supposedly offer relief from unbearable pain is not only because of its punishing side effects. Or the likelihood of becoming overly reliant or dependent on them, painting those who require continuing pain relief as addicts. Or how we need to take more and more drugs to kill the pain until eventually, nothing will help liberate us from the suffering.

Chronic Pain and Pill-Shaming

Like many others, I shame myself for even needing and taking painkillers. I often stop myself from taking pills that could help extricate myself from the pain I am experiencing. For the most part, I only take painkillers as a last resort. Firstly I try everything I can think of to help alleviate my suffering without relying on pills. Popping a pill is almost seen as lazy or an easy option to address pain. Such thinking implies that those who do, do not work hard enough to help ease our suffering. Like so many others, I have often been at the receiving end of “Have you tried…?

"I often stop myself from taking pills that could help extricate myself from the pain I am experiencing. For the most part, I only take painkillers as a last resort, shaming myself for needing or taking them." Share on X

Painkillers offer a small slice of normality, but it’s never for long, and soon my reality of excruciating, unbearable pain begins anew – photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels.

I hate having to rely on medications to be able to function. I hate how they offer me a slice of normality, only for illness to snatch it away again. Not being in pain (or at least not in as much pain) is almost like living in an artificial reality. I know that this pain-free existence is not my reality, aware that it will soon end. Soon, this peace and tranquillity will end, and my reality of excruciating pain, dizziness, fatigue and sweeping weakness will begin anew.

" I know the pain-free existence that painkillers offer is not my reality, aware that it will soon end. Soon, this peace will end, and my reality of intolerable pain and suffering will begin anew." Share on X

But when the pain becomes chronic, never-ending and unyielding, it is unhealthy not to treat it. The dark tentacles of chronic pain can coil themselves around every aspect of our lives. It affects not only how we feel physically but also how we feel mentally. Depression and anxiety can be consequences of living with untreated chronic pain, leading to even more pain. Living with chronic, relentless pain can also affect what we can do, a list that can become significantly shortened at its worst.

But Sometimes Pain Needs To Be Treated

Pain is not something that we should have to negotiate. When we are at the mercy of relentless, unyielding pain, sometimes our bodies need a break, a respite from it. Yes, the side effects of medications are a hell of their own. But they do provide a reprieve from the pain’s intensity. It may be short, much shorter than we would wish, but it can be a welcome relief. A break from its intensity often allows me the opportunity to recoup some of the lost hours of sleep that pain has stolen from me. And it provides me with a short window to read or catch up on the television programmes that I have missed because the pain has impeded my concentration.

"Pain is not something that we should have to negotiate. When we are at the mercy of relentless, unyielding pain, sometimes our bodies need a break, a respite from it." Share on X

I have noticed great benefits on the days when painkillers have been a part of my pain management. I have done more than wrestling with pain, wasting my day away.

Yes, the harsh side effects and its other disadvantages can seem that painkillers are a foe, something we must avoid at all cost. But pain, too, is a villain. One that impairs our quality of life, altering every facet of our life, sucking the very life out of us.

There doesn't have to be a choice between pain or painkiller — But painkillers can give us a better quality of life, allowing us to do and enjoy more than spending our days wrestling with the pain. By being careful with dosages, etc., we should no longer choose between pain or painkiller. Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

"Yes, the harsh side effects and its other disadvantages can seem that painkillers are a foe, something we must avoid at all cost. But pain, too, is a villain. One that impairs our quality of life." Share on X

Painkillers are an ally, one that can grant relief and support in times of great need. And no longer does it have to be a choice between pain or painkiller.

In Chronic Illness

What Happens When Pain Becomes Chronic

September 13, 2020 5 Comments

It is hard to imagine a time when chronic pain did not play a significant part in my daily life. That time is incredibly hard to envisage as I lay here in excruciating, searing pain.

But there was a time when chronic pain, was just a mild annoyance. To me, it was just pain. Yes, it hurt and made life difficult, but it was something that I could handle. I thought that it was normal, a sign of growing pains and not of anything wrong, especially anything serious.

Oh, how I wish I could return to the days before the pain became chronic and overwhelmingly relentless. Before I could no longer remember what it is not to be in constant, excruciating pain. Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash.

Oh, how I wish I could return to those days. But today, especially on one of my worst days I can’t imagine what it is not to be in pain. Or a time when it was anything but chronic. The time when the problem was considered normal and not a permanent reminder of the neurological disorder that has consumed my entire being.

"But today, especially on one of my worst days I can't imagine what it is not to be in pain. Or a time when it was anything but chronic." Share on X

Now, I can no longer remember how it feels not to be in pain. Or even how long it has been since the pain has become chronic. Or a permanent feature in my life. But it has now become my reality. One that continues to flare and get worse, and to which I have to learn to adapt to time and time again.

"Now, I can no longer remember how it feels not to be in pain. Or even how long it has been since the pain has become chronic. Or a permanent feature in my life. But it has now become my reality." Share on X

Often Feeling Nothing Than The Pain Itself

Yes, when living with chronic pain, there are good moments as well as bad. The problem, however, is that the bad days often heavily outweigh the good. And of course, there are the frequent awful days. The days in which chronic pain consumes the entire day, sometimes days.

"Yes, when living with chronic pain, there are good moments as well as bad. The problem, however, is that the bad days often heavily outweigh the good. And of course, there are the frequent awful days." Share on X

It is on these awful days that it seems that the only sensation that I am aware of is pain. The feeling of the soft material caressing my skin or the cold of the metal of the bracelets surrounding my wrist does not register. Instead, I am only aware of the throbbing, squeezing and stabbing pains that dominate deep inside my weakened legs.

curled up in a foetal position because of pain — When pain becomes chronic, it can often seem like the only feeling we can discern is the pain that is ravaging our bodies.

The pain is constant; yes, there are times when it might be better than other days, but there is never an off-button. Living with chronic pain, the feelings and sensations that it invokes never stops. Pain is often wholly overwhelming, entirely unpredictable, and frustrating. One from which we have no respite or holiday from, however much we wish that we could.

"The pain is constant; yes, there are times when it might be better than other days, but there is never an off-button. Living with chronic pain, the feelings and sensations that it invokes never stops." Share on X

Chronic Pain Is Gruelling and Exhausting To Live With

The persistent and constant unpredictable nature of chronic pain means that to live with it is gruelling and tiresome. Battling the severe crushing pain twenty-four-seven becomes your own personal Mount Everest. Every day you are forced to overcome and persevere through its harshest conditions.

"Battling the severe crushing pain twenty-four-seven becomes your own personal Mount Everest. Every day you are forced to overcome and persevere through its harshest conditions." Share on X

But often, the difficulty in navigating such terrain is that it continually changes. And as the territory changes, so do what we can tolerate. No one day is predictable; one day, I might be able to accomplish the tasks I set for myself but unable to do anything at all on another. Some days I able to push myself further than my limits but on others doing so only makes the pain worse.

The persistent and constant unpredictable nature of chronic pain means that to live with it is gruelling and tiresome. Battling the severe crushing pain twenty-four-seven becomes your own personal Mount Everest. Every day you are forced to overcome and persevere through its harshest conditions.

Chronic pain continually pushes you to your limits and further pushes your boundaries. It is continuously relentless and all-consuming; a storm that cannot stop, only weathered.

"Chronic pain continually pushes you to your limits and further pushes your boundaries. It is continuously relentless and all-consuming; a storm that cannot stop, only weathered." Share on X

Tempting To Hold Onto Hope; The Thought That It Will Get Better

Despite the ferociousness of chronic pain, however, I still find myself holding onto the hope that it will change. The hope that the pain will miraculously disappear never to return and life will forever be different.

However much I wish that the pain will disappear I wake up disappointed when I wake and it remains.

Each morning, however much I hope that things will be different, I am immediately met with searing, debilitating pain. And each morning I feel so sad, disappointed, and deeply frustrated that the pain remains the same; and life isn’t any different than the previous day. Heartbreakingly, of all is that when the pain becomes chronic, this scenario becomes our hellish version of Groundhog Day.

"Each morning, however much I hope that things will be different, I am immediately met with searing, debilitating pain. And each morning I feel so sad, disappointed, and deeply frustrated that the pain remains the same." Share on X

The Dream of Running Away From The Pain

When pain firsts start, or before it becomes chronic, it is easy to run from it. At first, pain is benign and only slightly bothersome, so distraction is easy, and pain is something that you can handle and put up with relative ease.

When it becomes chronic, however, pain is much harder to cope with, and making distraction much harder to implement in life. At this moment, whilst in unbearable pain, I wish I could run from it; running from chronic pain is something that I always wish I could do. It’s as if by denying it’s very existence will stop it from hurting and not affect me or have the impact it does on my life.

"Running from chronic pain is something that I always wish I could do. It's as if by denying it's very existence will stop it from hurting and not affect me or have the impact it does on my life." Share on X

However, I am unable to run from the pain that is destroying my legs and my life. Although I try to outrun it, pain continually reminds me that it is stronger and faster than I. Pain always catches up with me, and am reminded of its power and ferocity. Nor does time stand still while consumed by pain. No, time and life continue while pain perseveres with its destruction, and I still suffer.

"Although I try to outrun it, pain continually reminds me that it is stronger and faster than I. Pain always catches up with me, and am reminded of its power and ferocity." Share on X

But my running from the pain, I am also running from the reality of my life with chronic pain. By doing so, I am unable to address my chronic pain. Only by addressing it and the FND that has consumed my life, I can move forward and find ways to live with it instead of against it.

Thoughts of Mending The Pain, Until It Becomes Chronic And Mending Can No Longer Transpire

Pain is something that everyone has experienced. We hurt or injure ourselves, and pain suddenly appears. It’s often excruciating and distressing, but there is comfort in the knowledge that it is temporary, with an expiration date. We know that our bodies will mend itself, and the pain will dissipate.

But such comfort does not exist when one suffers from persistent chronic pain. Because living with chronic pain, there is no expiration date. It is not temporary, with no end in sight.

Life becomes a battleground; us versus the pain

"But such comfort does not exist when one suffers from persistent chronic pain. Because living with chronic pain, there is no expiration date. It is not temporary, with no end in sight." Share on X

Instead, pain begins to dictate our lives. It dictates whether we can get out of bed, wash our hair, leave the comfort home or even meet a friend for lunch. Life begins to revolve around pain as every decision; every task needs to consider it as to whether we can say yes to it.

"Life begins to revolve around pain as every decision; every task needs to take it into consideration as to whether we can say yes to it." Share on X

We try anything and would gladly give up anything to fight and defeat the pain. It becomes a battleground; us versus the pain – a fight that we often lose and often nothing helps ease it. And so we quickly learn that mending may never be possible, so instead are forced to find ways to cope with it as best we can; anything to stop it from driving us crazy or continually stealing even more pieces of our lives.

"We try anything and would gladly give up anything to fight and defeat the pain. It becomes a battleground; us versus the pain – a fight that we often lose and often nothing helps ease it." Share on X

In what ways, has your life changed when your pain became chronic?

This blog post was written for Pain Awareness Month and as part of the September Link-Up Party with A Chronic Voice.

In Chronic Illness

To My Pain

April 20, 2019 4 Comments

Sheryl from A Chronic Voice, as well as sharing her own stories and lessons with chronic illness. Sheryl is an excellent support to other bloggers and writers living with illness and chronic pain. One such way is through monthly link-up parties whereby bloggers and writers share their stories through given prompts. For April, and because for several weeks I have been experiencing a severe pain flare, I would use the prompts to write a letter to my pain.

To My Pain

Yes, I have addressed this letter to you, ‘my’ pain and not just pain. I know pain is felt by many. Perhaps if you were benign, harmless and temporary, I would have only addressed it to pain. But you’re not, you’re persistent and chronic, becoming a significant and permanent part in my life. You have become another part of me, so I think I can refer to you as ‘my pain.’ The pain I feel, the pain you make me feel, is personal to me; something that is felt by only me, remaining invisible and unknown to everyone else.

"Pain is deeply personal to the individual. We do not feel the same pains. It remains invisible and unknown to everyone around us." Share on X

Living with constant and debilitating pain is tiring…well more like exhausting!

What’s it like to live with you, you ask? Well, it’s tiring. Wait, it can be so much more than tiring. It’s exhausting. For weeks now, the excruciating and debilitating as it’s worst, there have been no breaks, no respite from the torment you have been inflicting on me and my life.

"Living with chronic pain is always tiring; exhausting even. Pain allows for no breaks, no respite from its torment." Share on X

You, which has become a sharp, electric shock type of sensation throughout my spine and legs, and one which has prevented me from getting to sleep, or on other occasions waking me from sleep. Getting a decent amount of sleep has therefore been hard to come by. And it has only made these last few weeks even more tiring as a result.

The impact that you have on those you blight spreads far and wide. The heightened levels of pain you have caused me has also added anxiety in my life. At times, I have become so overwhelmed and incapacitated by you that I can find myself unable to function. Physically, it can cause my legs to buckle before giving on me unexpectedly, giving me little time to react. You can also cause brain fog; causing me to remember important information or losing words I am searching for amongst a cloud of thick fog. The added stress and anxiety has become tiring, this constant worry about when this sudden loss of being able to function will occur, even the fear of going out in case of such an attack.

It’s tiring having to deal with setbacks that you create; the impediments created by your overwhelming urge to show your continued dominance, causing yet another dreaded flare. The continued knocks to our self-confidence as we once again begin to question our abilities and what we are capable of on any given day.

"It's tiring having to deal with setbacks from chronic pain; the impediments created by its overwhelming urge to show its continued dominance, causing yet another dreaded flare." Share on X

Through difficult times comes the opportunity for educating

Through the exhaustion and tiredness that you create, however, is also the opportunity for educating ourselves about you and what methods we can implement to calm and lessen the effect that you have on my life.

It reminds me of the quote ‘A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.’ Meaning that through the tough times that you cause, we can learn more about what helps and what doesn’t to come up with a more effective pain management plan for the future.

Time and time again I’m reminded that pain is uncontrollable. You like nothing more than to show your power and dominance, and where there is nothing I can do to quieten your reign of terror. To try and control you, would prove to be futile, and waste precious energy I don’t possess. The only thing I can do therefore is to learn ways to manage your existence.

"Time and time again I am reminded that chronic pain is uncontrollable. Liking to show it's power and dominance. We can only learn ways to manage its existence." Share on X

I have been educating myself on alternative methods to manage you and your unwelcome presence. I have been mainly looking into CBD oil and the positive effects it can have on you, on pain. And I have been learning that there is certainly a lot to educate me about concerning CBD oil!

At the receiving end of your wrath…

Until I take action however, I continue to be at the receiving end of your anger and wrath. Especially at night, when there are no distractions to be found to help ease the burden of pain. I’m forced to receive your attempts to enforce insomnia, as well as the debilitating pain.

And unfortunately sleep does not come, and when I awaken, I observe incredibly dark circles under my eyes. My reflection was expressing the lack of sleep that I received the night before. The need to rejoin the real world calls, I depend on concealer and blusher to disguise the physical effects that you bequeath.

"Living with chronic pain and it's invisibility we are often at the receiving end of judgements and suspicion; believing that we are faking being sick when in fact we are faking being well." Share on X

You are mostly invisible, but disguising the only physical evidence of your existence, I am at the receiving end of judgements and suspicion. When people cannot see something, they often deny its reality. In the case, of illness people assume that we must be fabricating our supposed illness; that because we look healthy than we must be so. What most people cannot comprehend that we are not faking being ill, but are instead faking being well.

I'm not faking being sick' I'm actually taking being well

As much as pain has taken it has also been giving…

I could write a long list of what chronic pain has taken from me, such as loss of independence as one example. However, pain has also been giving me little gifts that are important to remember and appreciate.

"As much as chronic pain has taken from me, it has also given me many gifts and taught me many valuable lessons." Share on X

Chronic pain has taught me some valuable lessons that make it easier to bare living with you every day. You have allowed me to learn things about myself that I may have never learned otherwise. Giving me the knowledge that I’m stronger than I ever thought; the training to be better prepared to face difficult situations as well as future flares. Pain has also given me patience. When experiencing a chronic pain flare, although exceptionally unpleasant, I know there will be an end. I need to wait it out, thus requiring patience.

"Pain has taught me patience. Something I've needed when experiencing a chronic pain flare; knowing there will be an end, I need to wait it out." Share on X

Quieting…

I am now calling on patience now as I wait on this current chronic pain flare to cease and subside. Oh, I know that you will inevitably return but right now I am waiting on you to quieting down the strength of the power you hold over my body. Waiting on the day to which your volume has quietened enough for me to be able to continue with my life without your constant influence.

Regards

Me, Rhiann.

April Link-Up Party with A Chronic Voice

In Chronic Illness

Hiding Behind a Mask

February 27, 2019 4 Comments

Waking After a Night of Painsomnia

This morning, I awoke with a start as the alarm started to blare signalling the beginning of a new day. Except, that my day started many hours before. When the bell began to sound, however, I had only managed to grab a couple of hours sleep.

Why? Because of painsomnia.

How living with painsomnia feels when it leaves you with an inability to sleep!

Painsomnia is the lack of sleep or inability to obtain sufficient sleep because of physical suffering, like chronic pain. And when living with permanent chronic pain, painsomnia becomes just another symptom of living with a neurological condition.

"Painsomnia is a lack of sleep or inability to obtain sufficient sleep because of pain…it's another symptom of living with a chronic illness." Share on X

The ‘Sick’ Appearance Staring Back At Me

Stumbling to the bathroom due to stubborn and uncooperative legs, I take a look in the mirror. The first thing I notice as I study my appearance is the dark circles and bloodshot eyes. These, a visible reminder of the crippling pain and the subsequent lack of sleep. Neurological disorders, such as the one I live with is classed as being invisible, a condition that is not readily visible to others. As I looked hard at my ashen complexion and the dark circles under my eyes, I realised that I looked sick. It appears that sometimes our conditions are not as invisible as the term suggests.

"I realised that morning I looked sick…our conditions are not as invisible as the term suggests." Share on X

pink flowers make-up bag with benefit brightening and airbrush concealer with hand mirror sitting in front of it — Make-up such as concealer (my current favourite being the Benefit Brightening Concealer which works miracles on my worst days!) allows us to wear a mask of disguise when feeling the effects of chronic illness. What products do you love to use to create your mask?

A Sick Day?

If I had the luxury of staying at home, then I would have afforded myself a duvet day. A duvet day to allow me the opportunity to provide care for myself. To partake in those behaviours that make me feel better. However, today happens to be one of the two days I am out with my carer. And although I could have cancelled, I had errands that needed fulfilling.

So what could I do?

Well, after battling with my legs to be able to shower and accrued enough energy to get dressed, I grabbed my make-up bag. I snatched my favourite and ever faithful concealer, dabbing it under my eyes to hide and obscure those stubborn bags. I apply a little foundation and blusher to give me some colour, and so I don’t look like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Hiding Behind A Mask

The make-up I apply allows me to construct a mask. A mask that I can hide behind away from pain and illness. A persona whereby I can pretend that I am well. A persona whereby I can inhabit a world of being well. A world in which I am not in constant pain.

"Make-up allows me to construct a mask. A mask that I can hide behind away from pain and illness. A persona whereby I can inhabit a world of being well." Share on X

image of freddie mercury with lyrics from 'the show must go on' written underneath — Lyrics from the amazing ‘The Show Must Go On’ by Queen. One of my all-time favourite songs and lyrics which I am able to relate to when experiencing a bad flare day!

But we don’t put on a mask purely for vanity reasons. We also assume a different persona in consideration for those around us. We put on a brave face, hiding pain and the effects of other symptoms to alleviate the worry and burden on those closest to us. When out in the world, conversing with those we don’t know or don’t know we are sick, then we may slip on this mask to avoid questions when symptoms suddenly strike.

"When out in the world, conversing with those we don't know or don't know we are sick, then we may slip on this mask to avoid questions when symptoms suddenly strike." Share on X

There is always a worry that we focus too much on our illness and its symptoms. A concern that others may think we sound like a broken record complaining about pain and everything else that accompanies illness. Therefore, the most natural path to avoid this is to mask the pain and discomfort that coexists with our ailments. There is also something quite liberating about donning a mask, a way of forgetting about our sick identity; enjoying a rare slice of normalcy. There is a word for those who hide their pain behind a smile; this is ‘eccedentesiast’. And those of us living with chronic pain and illness we become masters at this.

woman holding a clear glass jar in the shape of a head in front of them — Living with chronic illness and chronic pain we become masters of disguise; hiding behind a mask to disguise the effects they have.

"There is something quite liberating about donning a mask, a way of forgetting about our sick identity; enjoying a rare slice of normalcy." Share on X

The Need of a Mask to Hide Pain and Illness

Pain and chronic illness are a permanent fixture in our lives, however, and as such wearing a facade is challenging to maintain day after day. But sometimes our conditions overpower us, and our masks slip, revealing the pain, fatigue, and misery hidden beneath the false exterior.

"But sometimes our conditions overpower us, and our masks slip, revealing the pain, fatigue, and misery hidden beneath the false exterior." Share on X

If you look closely, you can see the pain etched on my face by the grimace that appears. By the fake smile that I give which doesn’t reach my eyes. The dullness that is apparent in my eyes; the lack of sparkle or brightness that is recognisable when pain isn’t present.

Sometimes Hiding Behind A Mask Doesn’t Work As It Begins to Slip

When our masks slip, and the pain and the emotional effects of illness are exposed, it can make us feel vulnerable. We fear the judgement of others; worry that they will misunderstand the tears as a sign of depression. Or we are insecurely waiting for those well-meaning comments regarding the need to remain positive in the wake of something they will never understand. Worry that will others see those tears and other visible indicators of pain and illness as a sign of weakness. The mask we wear, we do so to hide from the judgements of others just as much to conceal pain and illness.

"When our masks slip, it can make us feel vulnerable. The mask we wear, we do so to hide from the judgements of others just as much to conceal pain and illness." Share on X

a person holding a red piece of card in front of their face with a frowning face — Sometimes hiding behind a mask doesn’t work as masks slip and the pain and other emotional effects of living with symptoms of a chronic illness are revealed to others, making us feel vulnerable and judged.

Living with a chronic illness, we often already spend a lot of time at home. It in itself can become uncomfortable; itching to want to break free from the confinement and explore the world. But, our homes are often a sanctuary, the one place we feel comfortable to discard the mask and show our truth.

So let us not be ashamed or made to feel weak because of the masks we wear. Let us not feel weak or vulnerable when they slip off to reveal the reality of pain and illness waiting underneath the facade. It is not a sign of weakness; it instead empowers us to prevail regardless of what happens or what is in store in the future.

"Wearing a mask is not a sign of weakness; it instead empowers us to prevail regardless of what happens or what is in store in the future." Share on X

Hiding behind a mask is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of self-preservation.

"When living with a chronic illness hiding behind a mask is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of self-preservation." Share on X

Hiding Behind A Mask Cover Image - decorated mask looking in a mirror

In Chronic Pain

Seeking Joy in The Midst of Chronic Pain

February 2, 2019 7 Comments

If I were asked to sum up my current life in just one word, then there is only one word I could conjure which would adequately describe it. Pain.

From the moment I wake up, and until I (finally) fall asleep, all I can feel is the pain that assaults my body. The pain has become the bookends of my days. My entire life and existence becoming defined by its tight grip. It is all-encompassing. There are no aspects of life that the pain leaves untouched. And it’s become the strongest voice in my life.

"Pain becomes all-encompassing. It leaves no aspect of our bodies or lives untouched and becomes the strongest voice in our lives." Share on X

The pain is like a kidnapper. It enforces you into a cage, you an innocent victim and the pain as your captor. It isolates you and robs you of your already fragile independence. Every step sends a jolt of debilitating pain throughout my spine and legs. It prevents you from venturing too far, shackling you to the house.

Chronic pain is the biggest thief. It steals your independence, your plans, your sleep…it steals your life.

"Pain is like a kidnapper. Enforcing you into a cage, and you as it's innocent captor. It isolates and robs you of your already fragile independence." Share on X

As the days of crippling pain increase, so does the shade of the dark circles under my eyes, thanks to insomnia that develops as a result. Along with the dark circles, my eyes are red from all the tears shed as a result of the excruciating pain and the subsequent lack of sleep. Days in which my existence is more concerned with survival, clinging onto the edge of a cliff by my fingertips and grasping on until the time I can take the next dose of painkillers — medication which only dulls the pain. But, when the pain is at it’s worse, we will accept any relief we can get.

It can be difficult to feel happy or joy during a relentless pain flare. The unpredictable nature of the beast; not knowing when the next incapacitating pain will strike. I could be feeling great one minute and overwhelmed with immense pain the next. It is hard to find joy while trapped in a life that you didn’t want or ask for, and one in which you are unable to escape.

"It is hard to find joy when trapped in a life that you didn't want or ask for, and one in which you are unable to escape." Share on X

Living with constant and unrelenting pain is much like living under a permanent dark cloud. Feelings of joy, happiness, and contentment feel like they are so out of reach. But when these feelings go on for so long, we realise that this has to change. With the realisation that the pain is forever so, we have to find happiness for ourselves. To allow a slither of light between the dark clouds, and welcome some light within the darkness.

When we realise that pain is forever so does the realisation that we need to search for joy within it.

"With the realisation that pain is forever, we so to understand that we have to search for joy within it ourselves." Share on X

For some, it sounds counter-intuitive; the idea that a person can feel such pain but can also feel happiness at the same time. How can that be so? It’s difficult yes, it’s not about denying the existence of pain but acknowledging and accepting it. Accepting the pain and illness as permanent companions limit the power they have over our thoughts and emotions. I can accept I am in pain and the unfairness of it, but also not allow the agony to stop me from welcoming positivity and joy in my thoughts.

I have experienced many incredible moments while being in a great deal of pain. Moments such as travelling, for example. My last encounter with travel was also one in which I was suffering a torrent of agony. It failed to stop me however from appreciating the awe-inspiring scenery before my eyes.

Travelling is one such pursuit that makes you fully appreciate the real magic and beauty of the world outside our immediate surroundings. But much more, it allows us to venture beyond our everyday life. Beyond our lives with chronic pain. It’s a beautiful reminder that there is so much more to life than pain. More to our lives, and more which defines us beyond pain and illness, something which can be difficult to remember while in the midst of such devastation. It provides the opportunity to steal time back from the horrible thief that is chronic pain.

"Seeing the world reminds us that there is more beyond pain and illness. It provides the opportunity to steal time back from the horrible thief that is chronic pain." Share on X

The amazing scenery that I’ve seen as a result of my travels. Joyful and happy memories that they evoke despite the recollections of the pain and illness that threatened to blight the trips.

While experiencing such desolation during the everyday, mundane days of our lives, however, it can be difficult to find and appreciate moments of joy. When the pain is piercing, it is only by observing that for which you are grateful for is often the only thread of hope to grip tight. And without hope, we would not be able to see a way through the pain and the myriad of other symptoms that accompany it.

"When the pain is piercing, it is only by observing that for which you are grateful for is often the only thread of hope to hold onto – without hope we would not be able to see a way through." Share on X

Allwoing a small moment for gratitude and positivity with the The Happiest Gratitude Journal from The Itty Bitty Book Co: https://ittybittybookco.com/products/the-happiest-gratitude-journal

Joy is the smooth and creamy taste of chocolate on the tongue. Happiness is wrapped up beneath a warm blanket with a superb book. There is a pleasure to be found with a binge-watch of a favourite television box set. Or a movie marathon beneath a comforting blanket or duvet. Enjoyment is the distraction from pain and illness with an expedition outside the house. It’s the enjoyment of a warm and satisfying mug of hot chocolate in a favourite haunt.

Joy is an unexpected phone call or text from a good friend. It’s an acknowledgment that we are loved and we’ve not forgotten while the pain has shackled us to a sick bed.

Positive and uplifting quotes can help us find joy within our lives with chronic pain. — We can find joy even in the midst of pain and illness but only if we do our best to search for them.

There are moments of happiness and joy amidst the destruction and devastation of chronic pain. The sun can prevail amongst the dark, thunderous storm clouds allowing light to banish the darkness that exists.

"There can be moments of happiness and joy amidst the devastation of chronic pain. The sun can prevail amongst the dark, storm clouds allowing light to banish the darkness that exists." Share on X

If pain is making its destructive presence known in your life, I hope you can find moments of joy regardless. And I hope that you are able to banish the clouds and the subsequent darkness with light and hope.

You are not alone.