Remember, Alice in Wonderland when she fell down the rabbit hole and found herself in a different world? Well, recently that has felt like my life. Except, that instead of finding myself in a world filled with the Cheshire Cat, the White Rabbit and the Mad Hatter; I have instead found myself stuck in world of pain, dizziness, depression, falls and loss of feeling in legs.
No, recently it has not been a happy time, and one of the reasons why I haven’t updated the blog for a while. Writing in the midst of pain and depression has proved too difficult. I think, i have also not wanted to wrote about the tough times, as I often worry about sounding too negative and self-absorbed. However, a good friend recently reminded me that a blog about living with chronic illness should document the bad days as well as the more positive posts. To keep a blog is to be truthful and to be reflective of life; and life for everyone has its ups and downs, especially when you factor a chronic illness into the equation of life.
The depression crept up on me out of the blue. I suppose, it wasn’t a surprise that the depression has reappeared; it is only natural, when living with severe and debilitating symptoms for so long, And the symptoms that have been severe lately has not just been the older symptoms such as the dizziness and weakness in the legs, but the newer symptoms have also been problematic. Before now, I had only experienced short periods where I have lost all sensation in my legs. Recently, however the periods with no sensation in my legs, have become much longer; lasting all day even. For me, it feels so strange and unnerving to feel no sensation, and means that walking is much more difficult as you really need to concentrate and look to where my legs are – and walking become a lot slower than normal!
It was due to the loss of sensation which led to a very bad fall down the stairs, the other evening. Typical, that I has alone for the night when it happened, having no one around to help me. Luckily, the fall didn’t result in any broken bones or other significant injuries – just a lot of bruises and a cut on my leg. The only casualty from the fall, was my Kindle, which now is broken and in need of replacing. This really upset me, probably more than it would have, if not for the depression. As many of you know, I have a love of reading, and my Kindle was a lifeline for me on the days where I am unable to get out of bed as it allowed me access to books when I am unable to go to my book shelves.
However, as the loss of feeling in my legs ended; the feeling coming back, it only resulted in pain, and after the fall, pain like I have never experienced before.
The constant battles with the dizziness and depression; and the battle between pain and loss of sensation in my legs have really thrown me down the vortex and transforming the world that I thought I knew. But, life with chronic illness can be like that; symptoms disappear and replaced with new ones. It’s a world that keeps changing. But hopefully, perhaps one day I can fall down a vortex that leads to my very own Wonderland…